Thanks for staying, darling
"If my missus went to Spain and I saw pictures of her I would be gutted but I'd always realise she would come back. She speaks French, Dutch, English, but not Spanish, so she couldn't talk to the b****r. So she would come back to me."
Martin Jol's cryptic message after Tottenham officials allegedly flew out to Spain for a meeting with representatives of Sevilla coach Juande Ramos.
"There's a fine line between loyalty and stupidity and, no doubt, I've been stupid. It won't happen again."
Roy Keane has a pop at himself after Sunderland's 3-0 defeat at Wigan.
"It's disappointing to be dropped from any team - even my mates' fantasy league team!''
West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green on his England squad omission.
"I had more fun staying in a tent than a five-star hotel."
Jenson Button gets his feet back on the ground following a camping trip to France.
"I feel like Dick Turpin after getting away with a highway robbery."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy after seeing his side stand and deliver against Blackpool, despite being "rubbish".
"I had 18 players at Brentford and 20 at MK Dons, but when you see all the players run out at training here it's like a scene from Zulu!"
Martin Allen compares the size of his Leicester squad to the Michael Caine epic...not a lot of people knew that.
"I don't remember Mansell's incident - I was only one!"
Lewis Hamilton after journalists likened his puncture in Istanbul to Nigel Mansell's blow-out in 1986, which cost him the world title.
Oh no, not you again
"Tim's probably thinking 'every time I show up for a Grand Slam I play this clown'."
Dmitry Tursonov ahead of his first round clash with Tim Henman at the US Open - the Briton's last Grand Slam event. Tursonov has already beaten him in three previous slams.
"It's still in my body and I'll have to pass it at sometime but my passing's absolutely diabolical. That's what I told the doctor: "What chance have I got of passing anything - did you see me play?!"
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway speaks about his kidney stone in his BBC column.
"As soon as we won the penalty, my mind flashed back to 1999 when it was Bergkamp versus Schmeichel. Now it was another Dutchman against his son. I was hoping history would not repeat itself, but it did. I just hope I don't come up against his grandson."
Arsene Wenger after seeing Kasper Schemichel save Robin van Persie's penalty, eight years after the old man denied Dennis Bergkamp in the FA Cup semi-final replay.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I've come to Middlesbrough for the shopping."
New signing Mido responding to Roy Keane's comments on WAGs. (Ian McD, Cumbria).
"Tremlett it was with the dive, but he got down to that like a arthritic giraffe on rollerskates."
Ben Dirs, live cricket commentary - creative as ever! (Mark Worrall,
"That was two-thirds of the way towards being a half-decent jump."
Jonathan Edwards confusing everyone with maths during the athletics World Championships.
(David Berry, England).
"He always seems to do the most simple things the hard way - if he was building a house he would start with the roof."
Dennis Cometti on Australian TV describing an AFL player. (John Ellen, Australia).
"Don't make me laugh!"
Honda F1 driver Rubens Barrichello to his mechanic who had (accurately) claimed team-mate Jenson Button was two seconds per lap faster than him. (Phil, England).
And coming on for Shrewsbury...
"I know, I look like Amy Winehouse!"
Shrewsbury player Dave Hibbert after supporters commented on his black eye. (Sam Morris, Shrewsbury).
"Nothing bread and butter about it, it was covered in jam."
Sky Sports commentator after Nani's strike against Spurs. (Craig Killah, Scotland).
"Mark Viduka brings the ball down on his thing, twists round his old team-mate and slams the volley home."
Charlie Henderson's live football commentary on your website. (Jess, Australia). After a punter texted in, Charlie admitted 'Ahem, that was supposed to be thigh' -Ed.
"I like the track, I like the place, the country, the city and especially the track."
Ferrari driver Felipe Massa on Istanbul. Reckon he likes the track?
(Chris Humphris, London).
''I am a man of few words but I always speak my mind."
Gabriel Heinze upon being unveiled at the Bernabeu. Can he ever make his mind up? (Gareth Hussey,
"I'd like to think we could beat them but then again, we do tend to struggle against teams in the bottom half."
Man City fan on last Saturday's Football Focus talking about the Manchester derby. How long was he waiting to use that one?! (Pat, Ireland).
Blades rock, man!
"Sheffield United beat the f*** out of West Brom today. Go Blades! I'm just caught up in the Blades fever!"
Red Hot Chilli Peppers' Flea, pledges his allegiance to the Blades on stage at Reading Festival.
(Chris H, United Kingdom).
"Manchester Unit... Sorry, Manchester City, are top of the table tonight..."
Old habits die hard for 5live reporter. (Mr G, England).
"Both keepers seem to be suffering from confidence."
Alan Shearer giving a mis-diagnosis during England's game with Germany.
(Mark Davidson, England).
"I want to ask the Premier League why it was so difficult for Liverpool to sign Javier Mascherano, but so easy for Carlos Tevez to join Man Utd?"
Rafa Benitez. Errrr, is that the Tevez transfer that took all summer? (Paul McCarthy, England).
"You know it's your day when you dive two-handed and stick your other hand out to take the catch."
Alistair 'three hands' Cook on his brilliant catch at the Rose Bowl. (Paddy,
"The only thing Cook did wrong was look so suprised after taking the catch."
Vic Marks on TMS after Cook's catch. (Daniel Grey, England).
"Monty ain't no Jonty."
Sky Sports commentator Ravi Shastri. Hmm, possibly not but it was still a good throw to take out Ganguly during the first ODI between England and India. (Jo Hill, England).
Are you Liverpool in disguise?
"We are not Superman."
Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez. That's cleared that up, then. (Ahad, UK).
"You've got to lose to win."
Roy Keane after Sunderland lost 3-0 to Wigan.
"Manchester United have a free kick on the edge of the corner box."
Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday. Legend. (Chris Murray, England).
"Sidebottom, who has a sidestrain, has been sidelined for this match."
All India Radio commentator for the first ODI between India and England. (Shodan. A.R., India).
"I heard a snap, I heard a snap!"
Shouted by MK Dons full back Gareth Edds whilst rolling around in agony. It took a word from another player informing him that it was his shinpad that broke to get the hardman back to his feet.
(Ed Finn, UK).
"I thought Frank Lampard was going to follow through then!"
John Motson during the first half commentary of the England v Germany game. (Kris Jones, Neath, South Wales).
Sven anticipates some unluck
''Sometime in the season we will have unluck, as you say.''
Sven Goran-Eriksson after the Manchester derby. (Luke Merali-Hosiene, England).
"We're in second place. We're in pole position."
David Healy talks up Northern Ireland's chances of Euro 2008 qualification. (Steve Owen, Ireland).
"Whatever happened to Bolton's 'up-your-bum' football?"
Radio 5live reporter following Bolton's 3-0 win against Reading. (Jack Colohan, Wales).
"Falkirk play some good football, they don't sit back and defend."
Walter Smith trying to give some unconvincing praise to Falkirk after Rangers scored seven past them - at least he got the second part right!
(Chris Rosie, England).
"Taylor's carried his left foot from one side of the pitch to the other."
Sky commentator Peter Drury during Portsmouth v Bolton - nice one Peter!
(Richard Ewart, Australia).
"And just as England looked in command, we're back to 1-1."
John Motson pointing out that every football match starts with a 1-1 scoreline. (Gary Robertson,
"They're only human."
Geoff Billington talking about Ellen Whittaker's horse Locarno at the European Show Jumping Championships. (Rosie, UK).
"A moth the size of a pigeon has just gone into the floodlight - they never learn, do they?"
BBC Radio London commentator on the Sparta Prague v Arsenal game.
(Paul Worley, England).
It's not a joke, honest
"The reason for my beard is that over the summer I lost my razor."
Rafa Benitez extinguishing any superstition-related reasons for his new-look appearance. (Rob, England).
"You can't worry about what your hair looks like rather than the result."
York City Manager Billy McEwan on the prospect of the Minstermen being on TV. (Andy Cole, England).
"I will make Birmingham the biggest club in the world!"
Carson Yeung on the impact he intends to make if he becomes Birmingham chairman. (Alex, England).
"Santa Cruz did very well there to get in between the defenders and get offside."
Kevin Gallacher commentating on Blackburn Rovers v MyPa Habib on Channel 5. (Lodal).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"It's neat, it's weird, it's Rafa's goatee beard!"
Liverpool fans salute the great man's strange growth. (Dylan Knight, England).
"You're not fit to referee."
Boro fans to referee Lee Mason as he limped from the pitch to be replaced. (Michael Briggs, England).
"You're too fat to referee!"
Blackburn fans to tubby official Alan Wiley after a shocking performance against Arsenal. (Danny Roberts, England).
"Get the Chelsea out of Leeds!"
Sung by Leeds fans when Tore Andre Flo came on against Southend - five minutes later he scored! (Joe Green,
"There's only one Gordon Ramsay."
Saints fans singing at their away-day to Norwich. (Simon Carter, England).
"Don't ya wish ya keeper was Craig Gordon? Don't ya wish ya keeper was Craig Gordon? Don't ya!"
Sunderland fans chant at Liverpool match (To the tune of "Don't Cha" by Pussycat Dolls) (Owen Mitchell, England).
"Petr Cech has got his hat on,
Petr Cech has got his hat on,
'Cos without it he can't play!"
Sung by my girlfriend (Jessica Hadwin) every time that Chelsea are playing.
(Phil Emberton, England).
"Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be,
We're going to wembley, Que sara sara."
Bradford fans at 0-0 against Wolves.
"Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be, Were going to Shrewsbury, Que sara sara."
Bradford fans 10 mins later after going 2-0 down. (Liam Chew).
"**** off back to London."
Man City fans to Man United fans.
"**** off back to Stockport."
Man United fans reply. (Hayder Khan, England).
"Steve Maclean, Steve Maclean.
Does whatever a Steve Maclean does.
Can he shoot? Can he score?
'Course he can 'cause he's a goal machine.
Look out, for Steve Maclean."
Cardiff fans welcome Maclean's first Cardiff goal at QPR with this Simpsons Movie-themed chant. (Leigh, Wales).
"Score in October, we're gonna score in October!"
Forest fans singing at Swansea.
(Michael Jones, England).
Wolves fans prefer the Rhyl thing
"We'd rather go to Rhyl!"
Wolves fans to their Blackpool counterparts in the 2-1 win at Molineux. (Martin Wall, England).
"You're just a **** Gareth Bale!"
Spurs fans to Ryan Giggs. (Dale Lloyd, England).
"He's only four foot tall."
Forest fans to Dennis Wise. (Mike, England).
"You only sing when youre rowing!"
Cambridge fans singing to Oxford. (James).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Scorer for Kilmarnock, number 16 Dick Turpin."
Fir Park announcer When Kilmarnock striker Rhian Dodds scored a last-minute winner against Motherwell in a game which the Well totally dominated.
(Gerry Creechan, Scotland).