"My, what big eyes you have..."
"I think I have a naive team. They are naive because they are pure and they are clean. We don't have divers, we don't have violent people."
Jose Mourinho on his clean-living Chelsea boys, following their dodgy penalty against Liverpool.
"If Chelsea are naive and pure then I'm Little Red Riding Hood."
Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez disagrees.
"Sadly, I have been unable to persuade Fifa, Uefa, and the Premier League to allow me to use 12 players in every game!"
Benitez defends his rotation policy.
"I am Australian, as simple as that, and I always will be. I'm not going to be Adolf Warne or anything like that - I'll always be Shane Warne."
Shane Warne, politically correct as ever, on the row over whether he should be able to take German citizenship so another overseas player can come to Hampshire.
"The Premier League is our meat and potatoes and Europe is our dessert."
Blackburn captain Ryan Nelsen thinks playing in the Uefa Cup is sweet.
"These so-called big stars are people we are supposed to be looking up to. Well they are weak and soft. If they don't want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London, it's a sad state of affairs."
Sunderland boss Roy Keane says what he thinks - just for a change.
"I've got four women in my house - my wife and my three daughters - and I tell you what, it's pretty scary. I keep my head down and if we're out shopping I try and look in a man's shop while they make their minds up."
Ian Holloway gives his verdict on who wears the trousers.
"I like changing my hairstyle, much to my mother's annoyance. It depends on my state of mind."
Fernando Torres should be playing for Barnet.
"I don't know if I'm being undermined. I don't think so but you never know. The only thing for me is that it was a bit early... you say early doors in England."
Spurs boss Martin Jol on the growing rumours surrounding his future - just as he was mastering the lingo.
Hmmm, gym or McDonald's?
"I tried but every time I worked out I threw up and I thought to myself that you can get drunk and throw up, so it's just not for me. I'd rather smoke, drink Diet Cokes and eat."
John Daly opts to continues with his fatness regime after Tiger Woods claimed his rivals were not fit enough to challenge him.
"We are like the primary school boys walking into the secondary school for the first time and finding out who the bully boys are."
Derby boss Billy Davies adjusts to life in the Premier League.
"We're playing a different way this year - a different football, a different smell."
Mourinho hopes to come up smelling of roses again.
"I love the big man, absolutely brilliant. Some of the films were a bit dodgy. That one where he was diving off a cliff, climbed back up to the top, his hair was immaculate and he wasn't even wet... and for me that's why he's the King.
Ian Holloway's Elvis tribute in his BBC column.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"He's literally left Ben Haim for dead there."
The post-match analysis of Liverpool v Chelsea and Jamie Redknapp reveals Fernando Torres's secret past as a serial killer. (Keith Allman, England).
"It's a crucial part of the game, passing and catching."
Rugby 7s commentator on Sky. (Tom Nixon, England).
Good things come to those who wait
"Steve Bruce all in black today, and with his white hair you know what he reminds me of? A pint of Guinness."
5live commentator on Steve Bruce - shades of Mitchell and Webb's snooker commentators? (Thom, England).
"It's a big four minutes for Chris Hutchings. He's five minutes away from his first win."
Andy Gray on the Wigan manager. (David Bedlow, England).
"It's not Hangeland again, is it? I keep reading about him myself. If the papers mention him again I might actually go and watch him play."
Newcastle Boss Sam Allardyce talking about "transfer targets".
"It's rugby by numbers - A,B,C."
Dewi Morris talking about England after the match against France.
(Fiona Williams, England).
"How old is he, 36, 37? Still a top footballer, isn't he?"
Jamie Redknapp on Kanu, who's just turned 31. (Shiraz, England).
"And the e-mail address to send in to is Soccer AM... I mean Soccer USA."
Tim Lovejoy forgets who he works for. (Luke Plastow, UK).
"I bet that was one of those times for Hleb when he wishes he had one of those Inspector Gadget extendable legs which he could use by pressing a button on his hip and it would bring the ball down enabling him to score... unfortunately he doesn't."
BBC London commentator on Arsenal's Alexander Hleb. (Thomas Roche, England).
"And the Castleford player runs straight into Mark Smith's tackle."
Ooh, painful! Bill Arthur commentating on the Widnes v Castleford game. (Andy Mayes,
England? Nah, you're all right
"If Sven keeps on like this he'll be the next England manager!"
Gary Lineker on MOTD after Man City went top. (Gareth,
"I signed a three-year deal at Liverpool earlier in the summer. The deal keeps me at Anfield until 2011."
Adam Hammill gets confused with his dates after he signs a deal with Liverpool. (Sammy d, UK).
"Everyone deserves a trial. Even Saddam Hussein got a trial. One question I have is what was I sacked for? A former manager commented on some of these people, referring to mushrooms. But he was being very unfair to mushrooms. They grow on their own and they can stand on their own. The people involved here can't."
Ex-Clare hurling manager Tony Considine hits out after being sacked by the board without even being informed of their decision!
"We couldn't have been drawn against a higher-placed team, as they are second to Everton currently."
Gary Johnson's brilliant analysis of the league table after drawing Man City in the Carling Cup. (Rob Rudall,
"Nothing surprises me any more in the Premiership, but that surprises me."
Alan Curbishley on the delay in the move for Kieron Dyer to West Ham. (Ryan Reid,
"Drogba will finish top scorer by a long stretch and Tevez won't be too far behind."
'Thevoiceofsport' on 606 forum. (Dave Mearns,Germany).
"Arsene Wenger comes to the end of the technical area with his arms in his pockets."
What's wrong, the suit or his posture? (Michael Don, England).
And coming on for Portsmouth...
"Nugent and Vidic have just had a bit of a tutu there."
Paul Merson commentating on the Man Utd-Portsmouth game, presumably meaning a 'set-to' rather than a ballet dress. (Tom Shearer and James Wood,
"Man Utd are completely outclassing Portsmouth, and I don't see them having any problem winning this one..." (five second pause) "... one-all".
Merson giving his opinion on how the Pompey-Man U game was going.
(Andrew Ebling, England).
"He is different from our other strikers... he can score goals."
Rafael Benitez on Andrei Voronin.
(Matt L, UK).
"Chopra's pulled off Chimbonda beautifully there."
Alan Shearer on Match of the Day describing Michael Chopra's late winner for Sunderland v Spurs.
(Jez Ellis, England).
Dougie Donnelly: "So, Pat, in one word, can Rangers qualify?"
Pat Nevin: "Absolutely no doubt."
Pat "why use one word when three will do" Nevin.
"Don't hoover up while Chelsea are playing because if you knock the telly, Robben will fall over."
Former Dutch international Ruud Gullit quotes chaos theory scientists to give his verdict on Chelsea!
"And the two strikers exchange hands..."
During the Radio Scotland commentary of the last Rangers game, as Nacho Novo replaced Kris Boyd. (Erin Keenan,
Gerrard's got a great engine
"He's so vital to Livepool, everything goes through him. He's like Clapham Junction!"
Mike Parry on Talksport, talking about Stevie G's value to Liverpool.
(Berny Higgins, UK).
"Tottenham haven't created many chances, Robbie Keane's flashed a couple of times but nothing more."
Andy Gray during the Spurs-Everton match. (Kieran Milward, England).
"Anton Ferdinand on Championship Manager."
Bobby Zamora in West Ham's matchday programme when asked the worst thing he has ever bought. (Davey, Essex).
"He's been around a bit and played around a bit."
Bolton chairman Phil Gartside on GMR when asked what qualities Sammy Lee had as Big Sam's successor. (Ginny, England).
"My dad runs a takeaway in Paisley and I have to help out this weekend because my mum and brother are both away in Pakistan, one of our chefs is unavailable and our delivery driver has gone to jail for three weeks."
Scotland off-spinner Majid Haq, one of several Scottish players who cried off for the Intercontinental Cup match against Ireland last week citing work commitments. (Steve,
"Josh Low did great to get in the box, he literally broke his neck to get in there."
Garry Birtles during the Peterborough v Southampton Carling Cup tie.
(Kevin Borras, England).
"Not many teams score two goals at Chelsea in the first half, let alone 90 minutes."
Alan Shearer on MOTD2. (Chris, London).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
They're right you know
"One Sauce - you've only got one sauce!"
Bath fans to Worcester Warriors at the Middlesex 7s. (Freddiesworder).
"Boom boom boom, everybody say Mayo... Mayooo."
Notts County fans to new signing Paul Mayo. (Adam Sutherland, England).
"There's only one 'f' in Eifion."
Sung by Wrexham fans when substitute Eifion Williams was warming up.
(Jack Colohan, Wales).
"You only sing when you're at weddings."
Hibs fans to their Gretna counterparts.
"Twelve more points to go, until we get to zero!"
Leeds fans at Tranmere after their 2-1 win took them to -12. (Lee S, England).
"You're camp and you know you are!"
Sung to QPR goalkeeper Lee Camp by Leyton Orient fans. (Ross Mitchell, England).
"Blackpool, Blackpool give us a roof!"
Huddersfield Town fans while getting drenched in the uncovered seating area designated to the away fans. (Will Triner, England).
"Thierry Henry, Thierry Henry!"
Fulham fans to Arsenal whenever they missed a chance.
"Thierry Henry, Thierry Henry!"
Arsenal fans when they took the lead. (Daniel, England).
"You're not famous anymore!"
Hearts fans to Aberdeen fans.
"You're not Scottish anymore!"
Aberdeen fans' response. (David, Scotland).
"We hate Villa more than you!"
Sung by Birmingham fans to other Birmingham fans a few rows down at Stamford Bridge. (Daniel Padian, England).
"Who's the Scouser in the black?"
Aston Villa fans after Mike Riley awarded Steven Gerrard a free kick. (Jonathan Thompson, England).
"I'm forever blowing bubbles."
Sheffield Wednesday fans can't resist having a dig at the Blades during the Carling Cup tie away at Rotherham.
(Peter Hubbard, England).
"England's Number One!"
Norwich fans' chants to the Barnet keeper after 30 minutes, with the Bees 5-0 down! (Chris M, UK).
"We've got the whole world in our team!"
Chant by the Barmy Army when Kevin Pietersen was batting at The Oval. (Hassan, England).
"Away in a manger
No crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down his sweet head
The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where...
Hea-lay, Hea-lay, Hea-lay!"
Fulham fans to their new star striker David Healy. (D Allen, UK).