Race you round the block, Robbie
"I'm about as fast as me Nana!"
New Cardiff striker Robbie Fowler admits his boots are meant for walking these days.
"I'll be surprised if we get jelly beans at the drinks break again!"
Matt Prior in his BBC column, following 'jelly bean-gate'.
"I squealed at the first one and he stopped and then he did it again. It hurt for about five minutes. Hopefully it won't happen again because it wasn't the most pleasant experience. Fortunately I'm all intact now."
Bradford Bulls prop Sam Burgess on the delight of having his testicles squeezed by Leon Pryce of St Helens in a Challenge Cup match.
"I don't normally speak to anyone over 30, never mind sign them."
Bristol City boss Gary Johnson on the capture of 30-year-old striker Lee Trundle from Swansea.
"Unfortunately the photographers get me eating at places I shouldn't be because I'm a sportsman."
David Beckham wishes he hadn't visited that hamburger joint.
"Go ******* swivel!"
What mild-mannered Lewis Hamilton allegedly said to McClaren boss Ron Dennis in a heated radio exchange about disobeying team orders.
"You can play chess for about 10 hours and still lose, know what I mean?"
Sir Alex Ferguson has a thinly-veiled pop at Chelsea's cautious style of play ahead of the Community Shield.
"Strong words were said and he was told in no uncertain terms that if he didn't like it, he should clear off."
Birmingham boss Steve Bruce gets tough with Hossam Ghaly after the potential transfer target appeared unhappy with training methods at St Andrews.
Go ahead, Neil, make my day
"A lot of fans refer to him by his anagram - 'Colin W*****' - and when he comes out with rubbish like this it's easy to see why. Perhaps when you spend so much time rehearsing to get picked for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing it affects your memory."
Actor Sean Bean hits back at claims in Neil Warnock's autobiography that he swore in front of the former Sheffield United manager's young son.
"I struggled the first few days with breakfast. Instead of a croissant and cappuccino, I was faced with eggs."
Manchester City new boy Rolando Bianchi on English cuisine. Just wait till he's presented with black pudding...
"What horrifies me is people who've made money out of property or biscuit tins telling a class act who's managing their club who they should be signing."
Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn won't be telling Roy Keane who to buy. And who can blame him?
"Kick them as near the half-way line as you possibly can!"
Hearts goalkeeper Craig Gordon comes up with a cunning plan for his team-mates to stop Barcelona in
their pre-season friendly.
"You've read my card on the back - it's a telephone number."
Colin Montgomerie after shooting a back nine of 5-6-2-5-6-2-5-2-4 in the first-round of the WGC Bridgestone Invitational.
"I know that Spurs are a team who like to play offensive football."
Recent Tottenham arrival Kevin Prince-Boateng has obviously heard some frightening reports about his new club.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"'And Ryan Giggs finally scores at this stadium."
Commentator after Giggs opened the scoring in the Community Shield. Give him a chance, he's only played there twice!! (Rhys Llewellyn, Wales).
Sledging? Not me, mate
"I've never agreed with personal sledging, no Australian has, but everyone will try to throw another cricketer off their game if they can."
Former Aussie cricketer Andy Bichel on 'Jelly bean-gate'. An Aussie saying none of them personally sledge?! (Joe Eizenberg, Sydney, now of Bristol).
Five Live commentator: "How will Tevez fit into the Manchester United team, Mark?"
Mark Lawrenson: "Up front with Rooney I'm guessing."
Mark Lawrenson at his usual sarcastic best after the Community Shield. (Jamie Arkle, England).
"Mikel just followed through."
Martin Tyler commentating on a late challenge in the Community Shield - I think. (James Gore, England).
"Well I couldn't understand that, it wasn't in Brazilian was it?"
ITV commentator on listening to Barrichello's radio. Probably not, no - mainly because they speak Portuguese in Brazil. (Ben Burrell, England).
"He is a good, good, good, great goalscorer."
Matthieu Flamini runs out of superlatives for Thierry Henry when asked how much the Gunners will miss him.
(George Quin, Suffolk).
"This one's from The Sun. Actually it's not from the back page, I've strayed to page 3."
Mark Pougatch gets distracted while doing the sports round up on Five Live Breakfast. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"Good batsmen get runs and good bowlers get wickets. If you don't get wickets, you're not a good bowler. If you don't get runs, you're not a god batsmen. Simple as."
Geoffrey Boycott stating the obvious. I could have done that job better than him. (Ameer Kapasi,
"The horses race over 1400m, which is 3/4 of a mile, which is less than a mile."
Cornelius Lysaght at Goodwood on Tuesday. (Nick Cooksley, UK).
Sid Waddell - legend
"Its like watching Man United v Chelsea on rollerskates on ice. Brilliant!"
Some commentary gold from Sid Waddell during the Van Gerwen-Baxter darts match. (Adam Sykes, UK).
"He'll have to work hard and grow a bit to make the first team."
Rio Ferdinand on the chances of the new nine-year-old sensation that Man Utd have on their books. (Mark Smyth, Sligo, Ireland).
"And then Carlos Tevez, football's equivalent of a murderer out on bail, scores the goal that kept West Ham up and put us down."
Neil Warnock, not bitter at all, writes in his book "Made in Sheffield" (as reported in the Guardian). (Adam Levy, England).
"Are there many others in the same boat?"
Jonathan Agnew to a Sheffield club cricketer flooded out of his home and his ground. (Astrofiammante, London).
"That was very inventive - a bit like an armless hitch-hiker."
Commentator Dennis Cometti describing the action in an Aussie Rules game on TV. (John Ellen, Australia).
"He took a hard bump then - I would imagine he's seeing a number of Monets right now."
Cometti again after an Aussie Rules player is concussed. (John Ellen, Australia).
"He felt his foot, which is a bit of a worry."
Presumably Everton assistant manager Alan Irvine would be a bit more worried if Tim Cahill couldn't feel his foot.
"Scott Brown must have two lungs!"
My friend's comments on Brown's performance for Celtic against
Parma. (Andy Ross, Scotland).
"Great refereeing from the, er, referee."
Chelsea TV commentator on the referee in the Brondby v Chelsea friendly. Well who else would be refereeing?!
(Thomas McIlroy, England).
No flies on Jose
"He has South American qualities because he comes from South America."
Jose Mourinho talking about new signing Claudio Pizarro. (James Knight, Wales).
"Gavin McCann will add stability to an already stable midfield."
Sammy Lee on Five Live. Sounds like exciting times at Bolton. (Simon, England).
"You've got to play at that unless you've got a mattress under your shirt."
Michael Holding on Chris Tremlett's wicket-taking delivery to Sachin Tendulkar in the second innings of the second Test. So THAT'S what Mike Gatting used to wear! (Mike Rice, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You're not singing anymore!"
At Sunday's Arctic Monkeys gig, when the band stopped playing due to a technical fault. (Adam Wright, Llandrindod Wells, Wales).
"Shoes off, if you hate Ken Bates."
Leeds fans during a pre-season friendly against Burnley. (Sealy, England).
"Colgan, Colgan, show us a save!"
Heard at the recent Barnsley-Wigan friendly. I think Tykes fans might want a new keeper! (Jake, Barnsley).
"What did you call Zidane?"
Sung at the Emirates Cup by Arsenal fans to Marco Materazzi.
(Dom Gale, England).
Bean there, done that
"Where's your jelly beans?"
Sung by India fans on the boundary at Trent Bridge as Pietersen took up his fielding position nearby. (A Butcher, England).
"How does it feel to paddle home?"
Queen of the South supporters chant to the Carlisle fans during a pre-season friendly after the floods that left Carlisle submerged two years ago. (Luke Leslie, Dumfries, Scotland).
"You fat b******!"
Chelsea fans to Wayne Rooney at the Community Shield. (Johnny, UK).
"We're Dragons 'til tonight, We're Dragons 'til tonight. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Dragons 'til tonight!"
Warrington Wolves fans at the Wigan Warriors v Catalan Dragons game at their home ground, the Halliwell Jones Stadium. (Oliver Judson, Warrington, England).
"Robbie Fowler's magic, he's got a cracking shot.
And when he signed for Cardiff, he said 'I'm buying Splott'.
He bought up half the valleys and all the Gurnos too.
And 40 thousand bluebirds said 'I'm gonna live with you'."
Fowler's new song at Cardiff! (Boothy, Wales).
Does whatever a Spider-Hig does,
Can he score goals galore?
Yes, he can
He's the man - LOOK OUT!!
He is a Spider-Hig.
Falkirk fans' song to new striker, Michael Higdon, after his debut double against Gretna. In a Simpsons Movie tribute-stylee. (Fraser Bloy,
Grangemouth, Scotland). Scans beautifully! Ed.
"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" and
"You fat B******!"
Man City fans to Ricky Hatton at the Man City v Valencia friendly. Fortunately Ricky saw the funny side!
(Carlo Marson, England).