Quotes of the Week

He's big, but it's not clever

"Some players have psychologists, some have sportologists - I smoke."
US Open winner Angel Cabrera.

"If you want to win, you have to pay up to £100,000 a week to a player who can hardly read or write and he earns four or five million pounds. It's crazy."
Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed tells it like it is.

"I was a bit ripe by the end of it and a few flies were gathering around me. People left me alone for a while."
Golfer Chris Gane on being forced to practise in sweltering heat with waterproof trousers over his jeans after his suitcase failed to turn up ahead of the Austrian Open.

"I had 15 messages after the game. The best one was from my mum which said 'Come outside and get some sweets'!"
England under-21 star Nedum Onouha reveals how his mum helped him get over the racist abuse from Serbian fans during their group match.

"Will I try any harder to get things right? I could try harder and, to be honest, maybe I'm trying too hard."
Steve Harmison's bowling can be very trying.

"He knows I don't like heavy metal but he's friends with one of the guys in Metallica and they are at Wembley on the Sunday night in three weeks' time."
Andy Murray on coach Brad Gilbert's plans for the Scot if he wins Wimbledon.

He's behind you!

"I have to admit there was almost a need for a change of underwear."
European Tour chief referee John Parmor on the moment when a state trooper growled in his ear minutes after Parmor had spotted a bear as Lee Westwood played the seventh at the US Open.

"I thought 'I'm going to be on Question of Sport with them asking me what happened next...answer: He was eaten by a bear'!"
Westwood sees the funny side.

"I have won this four times now, and you have won only three. I had to get that in, because it is not very often that I can say it at a tournament, and I don't know whether I will be able to say it again."
Andy Roddick gets one over coach Jimmy Connors following his fourth Queen's triumph.

"Would you phone the president of Ghana?"
Jose Mourinho when asked by a Ghanaian journalist if he ever phoned Roman Abramovich to see how he was.

"I'm well up for a laugh and toyed with the idea of riding a donkey into the ring but I'm allergic to them. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would have been on the night? I'd have had a swollen face before taking a hit!"
Ricky Hatton on his plans to get Mexican-ed up for his fight with Luis Castillo in Las Vegas.

"It's sod's law, isn't it?"
Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce on being handed an opening day Premier League fixture at former club Bolton.

"It has gone absolutely nuts."
Silverstone spokesman on the demand for tickets to the British Grand Prix in the wake of Lewis Hamilton's win.

"It's just insane."
Hamilton after securing back-to-back wins with victory in the US Grand Prix.

Freddie knows a thing or two about the demon drink

"Michael has become England's greatest-ever captain with his amount of wins and if you can't go out and celebrate that, what can you do?"
Freddie Flintoff keeps a straight face to support Michael Vaughan after the England skipper is pictured looking the worse for wear.

"We have a plan. It involves us spending but it will be part of a plan, not just spending like a drunken sailor."
Liverpool co-owner George Gillett outlines his spending policy.

"It was just a friendly tap on his beer belly."
Snooker star Alex Higgins upon being accused of punching referee Terry Riley during an exhibition match.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"She came along and cleaned up my dumplings."
"Did she indeed?!"
Sir Viv Richards telling Jonathan Agnew about a woman sampling his cooking. There was silence for a second before the TMS box erupted into laughter for five minutes. (Tony Howe, UK).

"Boro are one of the big clubs in England and we have the chance to challenge the top four and play in Europe every year."
Yakubu, throwing his hat in for a dope test. (Xerxes, India).

"Now I'm an old head with a lot of experience, I think I can close my eyes and 'wang' it in roughly the right spot!"
Matthew Hoggard's technical analysis of his bowling. (Daniel Ford, England).

"Although he is very young, he has two years of experience in the Premier League."
Fenerbahce deputy chairman Neset Yalcin on Colin Kazim-Richards. Someone has been pulling a fast one - he only played in the Prem for one season (with limited appearances). (Dan Johns, Brecon, Wales).

"We needed a shot in the arm and he gave it to us."
San Fransisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy with a poor choice of words to describe the 747th career home run of Barry Bonds, who was linked to alleged steroid use. (Sandy, England).

You never see them in the same room

"You can say what you like about my hairstyle, but it's never caused epilepsy and cost significantly less than £400,000 to design."
Boris Johnson on claims that the London 2012 Olympic logo looked like his hairdo. (Phil, England).

"I think there is less pressure on me because I am the only one that won it last year."
Geoff Ogilvy stating the obvious when asked about the pressure that comes with being the defending US Open champion. (Kane Rennie, Australia).

"Now Henman needs to put this bed to set. I mean set to bed. I'm losing it here."
Andrew Castle commentating at Queen's Club. (Andy Croft, England).

"Ten minutes ago it seemed like Mission Impossible."
Sky commentator when Real Madrid went 2-1 up after being 1-0 down against Mallorca. The camera was on Tom Cruise in the stands at the time. (Shy, India).

"He's a good driver in and out of the car."
Ron Dennis on Lewis Hamilton. What does he drive out of the car? (Robbie, UK).

"Well there was certainly a crack in the Australian defence."
Aussie commentator after a South African player had his pants pulled down by an Aussie defender. (Fershad, Australia).

"Nine times out of 10 you bat first, and the other time you still bat first."
Alastair Cook on Michael Vaughan choosing to bat first. (JM, England).

"He prefers bowling to the right-handed right-handers."
Michael Atherton on Steve Harmison. (Toby, England).

And he's going for a treble

"That's 11 trebles on the trot. If you count the double 12 as a treble."
Rod Harrington getting carried away while watching Phil Taylor after he hit a 9-dart finish. (Tony Baitson).

"The crowd play a massive part here, it's like having a 13th man in football."
Colin Osborne after making it through to the quarter finals of the darts UK Open. (Matthew Harding, England).

''Albert van den Berg bending over backwards like a giraffe at the watering hole.''
Commentator Craig Marais in the South Africa v Samoa Test. He's surely the only one to ever see a giraffe bend over backwards. (Deano, South Africa).

"Bell on strike. Ding!"
Cricinfo commentary during Ian Bell's first innings 97 at Old Trafford. (Scott Craze, England).

NOT THE CHANT OF THE WEEK

"...and the supporters are all singing 'One Adrian Morley'."
Ray French commentating on the St Helens v Warrington Challenge Cup quarter-final). "What a waste of money" is what the Saints fans were actually singing! (Gary Meyler, Belvedere, Kent).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"Thanks you Beckham."
Real Madrid fans salute their departing hero.

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?