Hey, where's that tenner you owe me?
"If you ask me if I jump with happiness when I know Mr Poll is our referee? No."
Jose Mourinho won't be shedding any tears if Graham Poll retires.
"Everyone knows he's just a big-time Charlie who loves his own publicity and plays up to the camera. I can assure you no-one here will be losing any sleep over him retiring. It's the best news we've had in years."
'Senior Chelsea player' reacts to the news that Poll may be ready to retire in a Sunday newspaper.
"I'll ******g carry him back for youse."
Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd tells a group of Liverpool fans who stopped him at traffic lights they can have Michael Owen back, before quickly backtracking.
"I joked: 'I see that ****house Rooney hasn't turned up - he must have known I'd get him in the ring!'"
Ricky Hatton reveals what he said to Wayne Rooney's Manchester United team-mates after the striker failed to show up at a training session in Hatton's gym.
"I said to Carlo there is no way he can now not win this competition. He gave me a magnificent bottle of wine but I told him I would only drink it once I see him lifting the Champions Cup."
Sir Alex Ferguson is backing Carlo Ancelotti's AC Milan to beat Liverpool in the Champions League final.
"We recently bought a PS3 and we got the new F1 game, although it is last year's drivers. I am looking forward to the new one coming out so I can be me!"
Formula One leader Lewis Hamilton enjoys the simple pleasures in life.
Next stop Savile Row
"I have to answer the phone a lot more than I used to and I am not good at that. I have a face for radio without the voice. I have also got to find a match-day suit that fits me."
New Bolton manager Sammy Lee.
"We've got the experience and the know-how, now it's up to the players to get on the dancefloor and show they can do their thing."
MK Dons manager Martin Allen wants his players to boogie their way to the play-off final.
"We were up to our chests in quicksand - now we are up to our necks."
Motherwell boss Maurice Malpas after his side's 4-1 defeat at Dunfermline, which dragged them into the SPL relegation dogfight.
"Football is made up of subjective feeling, of suggestion - and, in that, Anfield is unbeatable. Put a s*** hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium and there are people who will tell you it's a work of art. It's not: it's a s*** hanging from a stick."
Real Madrid legend Jorge Valdano has a pop at Liverpool's style of football.
"Jose understands winning and losing are twins in a way. You have to deal with them in the same way. When you win, you don't gloat and when you lose you don't go bananas."
Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson praises Jose Mourinho in the wake of United's Premiership
title win, weeks after suggesting the Premier League should taken action against the Chelsea manager for his outspoken comments.
"I am a Libran and we like to procrastinate. That's what we do. We like to chill and see how things pan out."
Middlesbrough striker Mark Viduka has a should I stay or should I go moment.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I would rather be watching Dancing On Ice."
Alan Green during Man City-Man Utd. (Trev Lloyd, UK).
"And the ball goes back to Van der Sar, part of United's back four."
Classic George Hamilton commentating for RTE on Milan v Man Utd in Champions League.
(Danny, Cork, Ireland).
Why aye, man!
"I think 51% of Geordies might like the idea of Sven's girlfriend Nancy Dell'Olio on the Newcastle Quayside."
Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd on claims Sven-Goran Eriksson is the fans' favourite for the St James's Park hotseat.
"It's a one-off game...home and away."
George Burley on the play-off between Southampton and Derby. (Mark Horwood, UK).
"Hope you enjoy your season in the Premiership."
Preston announcer at Deepdale to Birmingham fans and team. (Dominic Gillett, England).
"I was telling Mr Poll a couple of things I have had in my heart since the Tottenham game at White Hart Lane. But it was nothing special. I was cleansing my soul."
Jose Mourinho describes the spiritual process of arguing with Graham Poll. (Paul Gorrie, Spain).
"Graham Poll is good for games likes these because he makes so many mistakes the players get angry and motivated."
Mourinho on Match Of The Day after the Chelsea-United game. (Henry, England).
Ever get the feeling those two don't get on? Ed.
"He's as slow as a tortoise doing the egg and spoon race!"
Sid Waddell commenting on Dennis Priestley's time between arrows in the Darts Premier League. (Martin Altoft, England).
"Kimi Raikkonen, if not disgruntled, certainly looking less than gruntled."
James Allen commentating on the Spanish Grand Prix. (Stephen W, UK).
We'll have that fixed in a jiffy, Saj
"Call the plumber, Sajid's leaking again!"
Sky Sports commentator when Mahmood was hit for three boundaries in an over in the Durham v Lancashire cricket match. (Martin Mottershead, Didcot, UK).
"He might be overweight, he might be slow, but he knows how to take penalties."
Graham Taylor damns Wigan's David Unsworth with faint praise after his penalty against former club Sheffield United sent them down. (Ilyaas Anis, UK).
"If we built a stadium with a million seats, the match would still sell out."
Uefa spokesman William Gaillard after fans claimed there were not enough seats available for Liverpool at the Champions League final.
(Martin Whitington, UK).
"Now we'll get a chance to see what Dong is made of."
ESPN commentator at the beginning of the Manchester United-Chelsea game on Wednesday. (Filip, Canada).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We Want Our Money Back!"
Newcastle fans when Michael Owen went down injured against Watford. (Gavin Tokhai, Watford).
"You're not special anymore!"
Manchester United fans to Jose Mourinho during the Premiership clash at Chelsea. (John Davies, UK).
Reading fans: "Europe on Thursday nights!"
Watford fans: "Scunthorpe on Tuesday nights!"
(Stephen Fletcher, England).
"Your dad is a cucumber!"
Sung to the Colchester United goalkeeper Dean Gerken by Crystal Palace fans.
(Sam Matthews, England).
Where's yer Gerken gone?
"You should have stayed in a burger!"
Palace fans to Gerken after Colchester went 2-0 down. (Palace 4 Life, England).
"Sebo's on, we're takin' the p***!"
Rangers fans chant after introducing the misfiring striker Filip Sebo when 2-0 up against Celtic. (Murray Douglas, Scotland).
"Theres only one Gary Johnson."
As sung by the great man himself after Bristol City clinched promotion.
(Daniel Thomas, Birmingham).
"You're just a small town in Norway."
Plymouth Argyle fans away at Hull City.
(Damien Allmark, UK).
"All we are singing is give us our sheep!"
Cardiff fans to the Ipswich police after losing our inflatable into the home end. (Andi Morris, Cardiff).
"Who are ya?"
Macclesfield fans to their player-manager, former England captain Paul Ince, when he came on as a late substitute in their League Two survival clash with Notts County. (Phil Hopton, England).
"The football league, is upside down
The football league is upside down
We're going up with the Rotherham
The football league is upside down."
Brentford fans away at Tranmere.
(Jack Smith, UK).
"We're going down in a minute" and "Always look on the bright side of life."
Charlton fans display some gallows humour. (Matt Chitty, UK).
Sung by the Arsenal fans during the match with Chelsea on Sunday. (Jon Davies, UK).
"What time's your minibus?"
Spurs fans to the few Blackburn supporters who made the trip to London on Thursday night. (Martin Dossett, England).
''Earnshaw's an alien."
Chant sung by Ipswich fans to Cardiff City - once home of the Norwich striker.
Just get it away from me!
"You're scared of celery!"
Chelsea fans to Cesc Fabregas at Arsenal on Sunday - referring to the Carling Cup final when he was pelted with several sticks of the green stuff. ( Zoe, London, UK).
Leeds fans: "Top of the league and you *****d it up."
Derby fans: "Championship and you *****d it up!"
(Rehan Khalid, England).