It's just too easy!
"Nobody can stop him. Probably the only way to do it is to kill him. When he runs at you, you try to grab his shirt or do whatever you can. But he just goes past you, makes fun out
of you and leaves you kicking the air.
Even when he is sitting on a bike, Cristiano is doing tricks. He eats with the ball, he watches TV with the ball. He probably even sleeps with the ball."
full-back Patrice Evra waxes lyrical about team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo.
"We were good friends until we started winning, then he started changing his mind. He has very good relationships with managers of teams that normally he
Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez kicks off the Champions League
semi-final war of words with Jose Mourinho.
"This is absolutely fantastic - it is better than sex!"
Jockey Robbie Power after winning the Grand National on Silver Birch.
"You might get some now, then!"
Winning trainer Gordon Elliott's instant reply to Power.
"When you are in a dogfight you have to fight like dogs. If it is a gunfight you can't afford to go in with just a knife."
Chris Coleman, just before he swapped his weapons of choice for a P45 after being sacked by Fulham
"It's about 30 more than I've been getting lately!"
England captain Michael Vaughan after top-scoring with 30 in the World Cup win over Bangladesh.
"They've got the devil in them - and that comes from the manager."
QPR manager John Gregory on Sunderland's Roy Keane after the Black Cats' 2-1 win.
"I don't give two hoots about West Ham...it would be nice to be puffing on a cigar now but we don't do things like that."
Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock after seeing his side beat fellow-strugglers West Ham 3-0.
"With a team you live in a tunnel and sometimes you have to go down and flirt with hell to see how much you can deal with that, so that you become stronger. But you go quickly to hell and very slowly to heaven."
Arsene Wenger gets all philosophical after Arsenal's defeat of Bolton.
And in goal for Portsmouth...
"It just had to go. It was a bit tongue in cheek when I said I'd grow it until I set a new record. The way games have gone for me I'd probably end up looking like Santa Claus by the time it happens!"
David James - one clean sheet away from a Premiership record - decides to have a shave.
"There have been cup shocks before but this would be up there with man landing on the moon."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd ahead of their FA Cup semi-final with Man Utd. He wasn't wrong.
"I think the Bosman thing is a pile of donkey dung."
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway after learning midfielder Tony Capaldi is considering his future.
"If I could go back in time I would have stayed at home."
Roma coach Luciano Spalletti after seeing his side beaten 7-1 by Manchester United.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"As they say in Italy, it's Goodnight Vienna."
Century FM Commentator as Man Utd went 5-0 up against Roma.
"Extra time probably came at the wrong time for us."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's FA Cup defeat by Chelsea. When exactly was he expecting extra time to come?! (Paul Gorrie, Spain).
No flies on Nigel...
"I've been saying for a long time now that the bottom three will go down."
Nigel Winterburn commenting on who he thinks will be relegated from the Premiership this season. (Kevin, England).
"I think we deserved the three points."
Michael Essien gets a little bit confused as to what he's achieved, having rifled home the last gasp Champions League winner against Valencia. (Adam Pearce,
England). It must be a Chelsea thing - Wayne Bridge said exactly the same after winning the Carling Cup.
"It was always going to be a must-win game against England, but now it becomes even more must-win."
Jacques Kallis on South Africa's crunch game against England. Which they must win. (Chris,England).
"I look forward to taking the club into a new era."
Comment from new Luton chairman David Pinkney - just as the club look certain to be relegated!
Martin Brundle: "Congratulations on your fifth pole, Felipe."
Felipe Massa: "You've just congratulated me on the next one because this is my fourth!"
ITV's Martin Brundle looks into the future on his gridwalk before F1's Malaysian GP. (Phil, England).
"I'd compare him to the incomparable George Best."
David Pleat singing Cristiano Ronaldo's praises during Man Utd's win over Roma. (Sotirios Alpanis, England).
"He wears a suit; so he's a tactician. He wears a tracksuit; so he's a motivator. He carries a clipboard; so he's a bus conductor."
Stuart Pearce on Rafa Benitez ahead of City's match with Liverpool at Eastlands.
(Stuart McKinney, Northern Ireland).
Punny old game for Saj
"Those jokes were getting me down but that wicket's really brightened Mahmood."
A terrible pun following a Saj Mahmood wicket on the Cricinfo website - in response to a few even worse ones during the England-Bangladesh game.
(Dylan Knight, Sheffield).
Interviewer : So is the pressure now on Manchester United?
Jose Mourinho: No, no pressure. If they play well, they will win. If they don't play well, they will get a penalty and still win.
Mourinho after Chelsea closed the gap at the top of the Premiership to three points.
(Chris Brown, Wales).
"Some chap in the crowd spies the camera and starts pointing at his lady-friend's devil's dumplings. Marvellous stuff...I mean, no need for that..."
Fantastic stuff from Ben Dirs commenting on extra-curricular activities at the England-Bangladesh match.
(Phil Railton, England).
"If games were only 80 minutes long we would be around 15th or 16th."
Aidy Boothroyd thinks the game of football is too long for Watford to cope with.
"Giggs is enjoying himself in the centre of the threesome."
David Pleat talking about United's attack during the Man U v Roma game.
(Aaron Glover, Brighton).
"Then Ryan O'Leary had to come on in the second half because Simon Ford was feeling his groin at half-time."
Comment from Kilmarnock Manager Jim Jeffries after the game v Hearts. (Stuart Graham, UK).
"I'm proud to be a symbol like the army knife or the mountains."
Roger Federer at the unveiling of his own Swiss postal stamp. Because being a mountain or an army knife is the in thing to be.
(David Hedley, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We're s*** and we're beating you."
Southend fans to Preston counterparts. (David, England).
"Four goals! We only want four goals!"
Spurs fans at beginning of second half against Sevilla, who were 2-0 up, leaving Tottenham needing four to win. (Joe Dua).
It's better than watching the Palace
"We want the National!"
Palace fans during game with Wolves at Selhurst Park when the Grand National was put on the big screens for a few seconds and then taken off. (Henry Randell, England).
"Cedric Cedric show us Uras."
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras.
(Callum Hunter, Scotland).
"3-0, and we're s*** away."
Exeter City fans to Crawley fans during the Grecians' 3-0 triumph at Broadfield Stadium. (Olly, England).
"What's it like to be non-league?!"
Sung by Dagenham & Redbridge fans to Aldershot after going 1-0 up in the game that they clinched promotion to the Football League.
(James Ainsworth, England).
"Going down, going down going down!"
Ipswich fans to Barnsley when they led 2-0.
"Staying up, staying up, staying up!"
Barnsley fans when they pulled a goal back with 10 minutes to go.
"Cheerio, cheerio cheerio!"
Ipswich fans to Barnsley after going 5-1 up. (Maddie Britton, England).
"He plays on the left, he plays on the right, that boy Ronaldo made England look s***e!"
Manchester United fans repeatedly singing in the 7-1 thrashing of Roma. (Amman Ayub, High Wycombe, England).
"One Song, we've only got one Song!"
Charlton fans about Alexandre Song.
(Michael Gormley, England).
"You can stick your Fiat Punto up your a***!"
Scotland fans at Italy v Scotland. (Dave, Glasgow).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Hey Vaughan. Lend us your bat for our beach cricket - you're not using it!"
Spotted during England-Bangladesh game.