It's enough to make your hair stand on end
"This is the only time we have had to play before United and that's because we control the fixtures. Just imagine if we didn't control them!"
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho hits back at Sir Alex Ferguson's claim that Chelsea engineered their game with Tottenham to take place just 39 hours after Spurs' Uefa Cup match in Seville.
"If we win, we go to the semi-final, if we lose, I will go to Earls Court and watch the wrestling on the 24th with my children.''
Mourinho has a contingency plan if Chelsea fail to make the Champions League semis.
"I'm trying to teach them to play football, not wrestling."
Mourinho might fancy a trip to see Hibernian play, after manager John Collins criticises his team for conceding too many fouls.
"It's not all over but I bet that old fat woman has got her throat spray out."
Legendary golf commentator Peter Alliss gets ready to acclaim Zach Johnson as the new Masters champion.
"Robert Green has bought a lottery ticket and we asked him for his numbers!"
West Ham boss Alan Curbishley after keeper Green turned in a five-star performance to keep Arsenal at bay as the Hammers sneaked a 1-0 win.
"They have my credit card number, and we will say 'how much do you need this week? Let's do it'.''
Arsene Wenger thinks about setting up a direct debit with the FA's disciplinary panel.
"You now have Gibraltar who want to come in. Why not Barnet? It is the same.''
Wenger questions the claims of international football's minnows.
Think of how many I-Spy games you could play
"I have always tried to look at the positive, even when you are in 10 miles of traffic on the M25.''
The ever-optimistic Alan Pardew.
"I've certainly done well out of the game but you make adjustments. You don't have to drink champagne and caviar every day. There is nothing wrong with a cheese sandwich.''
England rugby union international Jason Robinson opts for the simple life after announcing his retirement from the game.
"You'd need to speak to a psychologist to find out what goes on in his head at times and I think you have to go to university for six or seven years to be able to say for sure."
Dundee Utd manager Craig Levein is at a loss to explain what Barry Robson was thinking following his dismissal against Celtic for headbutting Lee Naylor.
"I'm not superstitious but every time she comes we lose. Actually, we got a draw once I think."
Reading boss Steve Coppell expresses his relief after his mother decided not to celebrate her 80th birthday by attending the game with Liverpool. They still lost.
"It's a 14-hour flight back on the plane from Dubai and the hostess said: 'Wake up, you have 40 minutes to go. The lady behind you is convinced you're dead, would you put up your hand?' I put up my hand and turned around and said 'I'm very much alive, ma'am'.''
Golf legend Gary Player, 71, on his ability to sleep for hours during flights.
"It's not something you see every day - a manager flying on to the pitch to make a half-decent tackle!"
Swansea centre-back Izzy Iriekpen is surprised by Bristol City Boss Gary Johnson, who tackled the player to protest at time-wasting.
"It was a good tackle and one we needed at the time. My son Lee said it was the one and only tackle he'd ever seen me make!"
Johnson's view of things.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I ******g hope so!"
Mick McCarthy, Wolves manager, when asked by a reporter if their 6-0 loss at home to Southampton was a one-off.
(Matt Varndell, England).
Rafa nose, you know
"Lets say that if he has a few games without scoring, maybe we should arrange to break his nose again."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez after Peter Crouch scored two great headed goals in the two matches since the operation on his broken nose.
(Matt Helm, England).
"Peter Crouch is starting to look a bit leggy up front."
Chris Waddle on Five Live. Tell us something we don't know, Chris! (Chris Wright, England).
"One fan, who had told me earlier he loved Quinn so much he would give him a kidney, suddenly changed his mind. 'The bloke's a legend,' he declared, 'he can have both of my kidneys'."
Sunderland Echo reporter Ian Laws, describing the infamous Niall Quinn taxi journey.
"There's only one other out there with a white floppy on."
Aggers, on the upstanding members of the Ireland cricket team fielding against England.
"Ian Holloway, Michael Foot, Sir Francis Drake - like the Spanish Armada your boys took one hell of a beating!"
The official Burnley FC website's take on the club's first win in 18 games v Plymouth on Tuesday night.
(Keith Tempest, England).
"We are very, very close to being a really good one-day team. We are just not winning critical periods and doing enough during the whole match."
England skipper Michael Vaughan on why England are very, very far from being a good one-day team. (Paul Gorrie, Spain).
"The quickest team should win."
Clive Tyldesley offering his expert opinion during the Boat Race. (Will Tofts, Southampton).
"Murray played well, despite a strain to his groin which he felt several times through the match."
From the Radio 4 six O'Clock news. (Ian).
How're you feeling downstairs, big fella?
"All eyes are on Andy Murray's groin."
Sophie Brown - BBC online commentator - offering her perspective on the Murray v Sluiter Davis Cup clash. (Justin, Russia).
"The penalty - I have to choose my words very carefully - it was a disgrace."
Spurs striker Robbie Keane choosing his words very carefully after the defeat by Sevilla. (Amman Ayub, High Wycombe, England).
"Then I pulled out something I didn't have..."
Alessandro Ballan (Team Lampre) on his victory in the Tour of Flanders. (Stephen W, UK).
ITV Commentator: "You know my fashion sense, David."
David Pleat: "Yes I've seen your dress."
Exchange during Sevilla v Spurs.
(James Robertshaw, England).
"He is as hard as Tarzan's feet."
A BBC commentator describing Marco Matterazi.
"As miscarriages of justice go, this was up there with the Birmingham Six."
Sports writer Simon Hart in the Telegraph on West Ham's one-shot win against Arsenal, who dominated the other 89 minutes, 55 seconds. (Bill (Pom), Sydney, Australia).
"The past is basically history."
Russel Arnold in his column for the BBC. (Maroof, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Does your whippet know you're here?"
Bristol Rovers fans to their Doncaster counterparts.
(Tom Byfield, England).
Now you see him...
"Where's your statue gone?"
Sung by Wolves fans to Southampton fans after Saints were forced to pull down an embarasssingly out of proportion tribute to Ted Bates. (Joey, UK).
"They try to take the ball past Nyron, he says no, no, no!"
Sunderland fans' new chant about Nyron Nosworthy, based on the Amy Winehouse song, Rehab.
(Josh Cawley, England).
"One leg! He only needs one leg!"
At Craven Cottage, after Ian Pearce had shrugged off a bad foot injury to score Fulham's equaliser.
(Chris Jones, England).
"McSheffrey, whoah-oh-oh. McSheffrey, whoah-oh-oh. He comes from Coventry...he's better than Henry!"
Birmingham City fans taunt Coventry counterparts after their 3-0 win. (Arun V, England).
"Are you Burnley in disguise?!"
Group of stunned Burnley supporters after going 4-0 up against Plymouth following 18 games without a win.
"What the f*** is going on?!"
Burnley fans are still having trouble taking it all in.
"Niall Quinn's taxi cabs are the best,
So shove it up your **** Easyjet,
Fat Freddie wouldn't do it for the Mags,
Niall Quinn's taxi cabs!"
Sung by Sunderland supporters after Quinny spent £8,000 on taxis for stranded fans. (Michael Coverdale, USA).
"We're gonna win 7-6..."
Wolves fans, with five minutes to go, keep the faith as they trail 6-0 at home to Southampton.
"Whats that coming over the hill? It's relegation, it's relegation!"
Colchester fans taunting rivals Southend During their 3 0 drubbing. (Chris Morgan, England). nb. Colchester sang the same song to Leeds three days later (Chris Petty, UK).
Hey, watch the gloves!
"Take your gloves off for the lads."
Hereford fans to Swindon's Sofine Zaaboub. On a blazing hot day when players were stopping frequently for drinks, he was possibly the only player in the country to be wearing gloves!
(David Tingle, England).
"What shall we do with a drunken sailor?"
Irish fans to Freddie Flintoff at the Cricket World Cup.
"One shot, we only had one shot!"
West Ham fans to Arsenal after somehow sneaking a 1-0 win. (Uwais Patel, Blackburn).
"He's big, He's Dane, He's got a famous name, Kasper Schmeichel, Kasper Schmeichel."
Falkirk Fans on Kasper Schmeichel.
"Bring out the wee cup!"
Hearts fans goading the Hibs fans who were waiting for the parading of the League Cup after Hearts won the Edinburgh Derby.
(Ross Lister, Scotland).
"We're worse than England!"
Palace Fans during game against Sheffield Wednesday when they were down 1-0.
"We're better Than Brazil!"
After equalising against Wednesday.
"We're worse than England!"
After letting in a late goal.
(Isaac Fanin, England).