Quotes of the Week

Watch out Mrs Warnock!

"It's seven years today, my anniversary, and it was my birthday yesterday - it's been a great weekend for me. I better be careful with the missus otherwise I will probably put her in the club!"
Neil Warnock celebrates seven years as Sheffield United boss with a 2-1 win against Charlton.

"If you ask me if I'd rather see Chelsea or Man Utd win the title then I will answer Arsenal."
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger responds to accusations from Jose Mourinho that he would rather see United win the title than Chelsea.

"I had the Baggy Green in my hand a few days ago and smelt it. I love the smell - it smells of sweat and beer."
Andrew Symonds on the delights of Australia's famous cap.

"I do not know why a player at 25 wants to tell me all about their big experiences. When I consider the age I am now, I would have a lot to tell people. But it seems to be an English habit to come out with books that nobody needs."
Arsenal's 37-year-old goalkeeper Jens Lehmann on former team-mate Ashley Cole's controversial autobiography.

"We had a bit of Abba on before a game this season. It might explain the kind of start we had."
Sunderland midfielder Graham Kavanagh reveals Abba has been banned from the dressing room stereo.

"If I go to the movies with Lesley, we will go to the 4pm show. Only three or four other sad people are there. Even then, that can lead to you laughing at something the other guy may not find funny and there's a problem."
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan on the perils of attending a matinee in Glasgow.

"I took Kanu on the Tuesday before the first game of the season because I never had any strikers. He said he hadn't kicked a ball since last season and I asked him if he'd been training. He said 'Yes, I've been running around the park some days' and I thought 'Yeah, I bet you have!'"
Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp on Kanu.

"Nine times out of 10 it would have flown over the bar and I'd have got a load of expletives!"
Matt Taylor on his wonder strike for Portsmouth against Everton.

Altogether now..."Y.M.C.A"

"I am a West Bromwich Albion fan, all the players in the team signed this shirt for me, and I wanted to win this title for all the West Bromwich Albion fans...we are going to go up again this season, and then kick some ass in the Premiership." "
Goran Ivanisevic on his decision to wear a West Brom shirt in the final of the Masters tennis tournament in London. Final opponent Paul Haarhuis wore a hard hat to protect himself from the Croat's legendary serves.

"People thought I had fallen out of a tree and bumped my head when I asked Harry back."
Former Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric on Harry Redknapp.

"At least I will be able to watch the Ashes, because I won't be sleeping."
Wigan boss Paul Jewell is left anticipating a restless night after his team's 4-0 loss to Liverpool.

"I am asking questions. A lot of people are asking questions. Is Monty here or has he gone home?"
Ian Botham questions the wisdom of leaving out Monty Panesar from the England team which went 2-0 down in the Ashes.

"Since the boss said I would play, I've been thinking I should kiss the penalty spot, the grass and the post. I think every Liverpool player should do that."
Liverpool keeper Jerzy Dudek on learning he would be in the side to face Galatasary in Istanbul, scene of his finest hour in 2005.

"There is no merit in avoiding a fall by never climbing. The successful team is that which makes one plus one equal 11."
Words of wisdom from Sheikh Mohammed, linked with a takeover of Liverpool. Maybe he could give the England team a pep talk ahead of the third Ashes Test?

"Giles needs removing immediately. The only thing he can turn is my stomach."
Redring on the 606 messageboards.

This man is not for turning

"It's a great draw getting Chelsea, but I just hope we get United in the fourth round."
Macclesfield boss Paul Ince hopes to get past Mourinho's men in the third round of the FA Cup and draw a really big club.

"You don't like being called The Shermanator, do you?"
Shane Warne to Ian Bell, referring to the character from American Pie.

"I've been informed the Sherman-ator is a bit of a nerd who wears funny glasses and has bad BO. I think they're talking about me!"
Commentator David Lloyd.

"You close your eyes, you wang it down, and you take your chances!"
Matthew Hoggard gives some scientific bowling tips after his seven-wicket haul in the second Test.

"I'm looking forward to meeting Les again. I've got nothing to worry about because I always got my homework done!"
Blackburn boss Mark Hughes prepares to meet up with former mentor Les Reed when he takes his side to Charlton. Addicks boss Reed used to run the FA course where Hughes learned his trade.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"It was a disgrace, the Sheffield Utd players were rolling around as if they were dead."
An angry Watford fan on 606 after their encounter with the Blades that evening. (Christian Guy, England).

Old chocolate hands himself

"He's got chocolate wrists there."
Paul Merson about Hilario's attempt to keep out Flamini's goal. (Luke Simmonds, Chatham).

"Ronnie is one of the greatest ever players but he is going to have to win some more competitions before he will be considered one of the greatest ever."
John Virgo on BBC snooker coverage. (Guy, UK).

"Thierry Henry has quite literally thrown the toys out of his pram."
Matt Lawton, Daily Mail (on Jimmy Hill's Sky programme). Quite literally? Are you sure, Matt? (David Hunter, England).

"Steve Buckner's got a lot of wind in his trousers."
Aggers after tea on the third day of the Adelaide Test. (Adam, England).

"The players will be going in for a sandwich now...except Shane Warne, who will probably have a burger, some pasta and chips."
Aussie commentator at lunch on day four at Adelaide. (Kenny, England).

Henry hasn't been the same since he turned down Barcelona, its as if he has got 'Barcelona-itis'.
Mark Lawrenson on Match of the Day. (Adil, Leytonstone).

"Gilo goes up for lbw - umpire Koertzen looks at him as if he's just found him in bed with his daughter."
Cricket commentary from Ben Dirs on the BBC website for day four of the second Ashes Test. (Pete Barnes, Wales)

Please don't make me watch England!

"This has been completely and utterly limp by England, they're playing with all the intensity of my drunk aunt playing Cluedo at Christmas."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS. (Adam Harwood, England).

"Rugby's a game of two halves-it's all about the last third."
Andy Robinson on England's pathetic attempts at playing rugby. (Simon 'The Unit' Mocatta, England).

"Lloyd Sam's goal-bound snap-shot was deflected wide by Ledley King's tackle."
On the BBC website's write-up of the Spurs-Charlton game. The 'lengths' a defender will go to eh? (Matthew Tickner, Bridgend, South Wales).

"It's winner takes all, but a draw will do."
Mark Saggers on BBC Five Live talking about Arsenal and Porto. (Phil Gandy, UK).

"I wouldn't say the game was dead, but we killed it off in the first half."
Eidur Gudjohnsen - Barcelona v Werder Bremen.(Ray Rajani, London, England).

"Its Deja vu all over again."
Nasser Hussain commentating on yet another play and miss by an Australian batsman. (Duncan Cobbett, UK).

"I've never written a speech in my life and I never will. I wrote one once and it was rubbish."
Ian Holloway gets confused as to whether or not he has ever written a speech. (Paul, UK).

Ian Botham: "Where were you last night?"
David Lloyd: "An oyster bar....apparently it puts lead in your pencil. I don't know about that. I think it only matters if you have got someone to write to."
Discussion held between David Lloyd and Ian Botham during the morning session of day two in the Adelaide Test. (Mike Snelson, England).

Of course I know the rules

"Players cannot play for two clubs in one season."
Eggert Magnusson has clearly not got his head round the January transfer window. (Tom W, England).

"It's amazing that Arsene could see that from that distance."
Martin Tyler drily notes that Arsene Wenger's eyesight is remarkably clear when his own player is fouled. (Phil, UK).

"If this was being played in my garden, I'd call the police. This is rubbish."
Michael Holding on Shane Warne's negative bowling against Kevin Pietersen. Of course, Warney had the last laugh. (Rob, England).

"This is a bit like going to Galatasary... I mean - we're going to another country after all!"
A Colchester supporter on the way to Cardiff City. (Daniel Parker, United Kingdom).

"Seems like a good bloke, Strauss, the type of man who would take your sister out for a purely platonic Chinese after she's been dumped by her boyfriend."
Ben Dirs on the BBC website commentary on the final day of the second Test. (At J, England).

"Championship strugglers Hull City part company with boss Phil Parkinson after six moths in charge."
On the BBC Sport website! Not surprising that things didn't work out with six moths running the show.( Jon Loose, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

At least I'll be home for Christmas

"You're getting sacked in the morning."
Bolton Wanderers' fans (almost) prophetic chant to West Ham manager Alan Pardew, after West Ham's 4-0 defeat at the Reebok. (Mark Broadbent, England).

"You're not as good as Christmas!"
Stockport fans to Wycombe's Jermaine Easter. (G Bailey, England).

"Gone Christmas shopping. You should have gone Christmas shopping!"
Swindon fans at Walsall as the home side went 2-0 down. (Phil M, Switzerland).

"Get your s*** stars off our flag!"
Barmy Army to Aussie fans! (Steve R, Australia).

"Have you ever, Have you ever, Have you ever seen the sun?"
Watford fans to their Manchester City counterparts during a particularly wet visit to the City of Manchester Stadium. (Fran Fowles, UK).

"You won the league, in black and white, you won the league in black and white, you won the league in the sixties, you won the league in black and white."
Arsenal fans taunt Spurs about the last time they won the league title. (Tom Trewick, England).

"You should have dived like Ronaldo."
Heard at Boro after Giggs went around Schwarzer and stayed on his feet. (Marko K, UK).

"All bling and Burberry, high teenage pregnancy, no father on the scene, all robbing cash machines!"
A chant that Sittingbourne fans sing to the local rivals Chatham. (Harry Hornby, England).

"Randy, Randy buy them a roof, Randy, buy them a roof."
At Portsmouth v Villa in the roofless away end as it started raining! (Ian Millard, England).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?