Quotes of the week

Love ya, Kev!

"I have played a lot of Test cricket with Paul Collingwood over the past year. I seem to be spending more time with him than my fiancee."
Kevin Pietersen on his 310-run partnership with Collingwood in Adelaide.

"I pinned the poem, 'If', by Rudyard Kipling, up in the dressing room but I don't think any of the players could make head or tail of it. I left it up for an hour but took it down before it got defaced."
Luton manager Mike Newell thanks Kipling for ending his side's run of seven successive defeats with victory over leaders Preston.

"I certainly knew the gaffer didn't write it!"
Luton captain Steve Robinson on the poem.

"I didn't know what it was. I thought it might be an angry letter from a fan so I kept well away from it."
Striker Rowan Vine gives his verdict on the prose.

"Suggestions of a curse might be raised again. Curse, my a***!"
Derby manager Billy Davies, expected to be named Championship manager of the month.

"I am not happy or unhappy with him."
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger responds to suggestions there is a rift between him and Thierry Henry. That's cleared that up, then.

"Quite simply, it is true that I can be a pig! It is not a lie to say that. Sometimes, I feel that I am in the right even when I am wrong."
Henry admits to L'equipe he can be a "cochon" sometimes.

"By 2014 we want to be internationally recognised as the number one club."
Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon.

"I'm hardly going to tremble about it."
Sir Alex Ferguson responds to Kenyon's claims.

You're 'avin a larf!

"I just couldn't train in a Brazil shirt. I wouldn't do it. It was like asking an Englishman to wear a German kit - he'd never do that."
West Ham's Carlos Tevez is not happy with the punishment dreamt up by his team-mates for storming off after being subbed against Sheffield United.

"I've got to choose my words carefully but I thought the supporters let us down badly today. We needed them for the full 90 minutes today and we didn't get that. And, for me, that's a disgrace."
Norwich manager Peter Grant chooses his words carefully after Hull grabbed a last-gasp equaliser at Carrow Road. What on earth would he be like if he really said what he thought?

"Some of our people who were watching him were amazed at how fast he ran."
Gary Kubiak, coach of NFL side Houston Texans, is surprised at the speed of Justin Gatlin, who has been training with the team while awaiting the outcome of his drugs case. Just to confirm, that's world record-breaking sprinter Justin Gatlin.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"What about you, Bob, you love having a go at a big hooker."
Sky Sports commentator to Bob Willis. (Andy G, England).

Paul Merson: "He looks like a fish up a tree."
Presenter: "What does that look like?"
Merson: "Out of his depth."

"I would not like to see a foreigner come in."
Mike Catt on the appointment of Andy Robinson's succssor. That's Mike "I was born in Port Elizabeth, South Africa" Catt. (Simon Garnett, England).

This is where we need to play, lads

"We were disappointed that we conceded a goal in our dressing room..."
Stuart Pearce's post-match interview after beating Aston Villa 3-1. I think he's got a bit confused about where the goals are kept these days. (Chris Cooke, UK).

"The reason it isn't happening for us at the moment is because we aren't scoring enough goals and we aren't keeping them out at the other end."
Rob Kelly's palpable reaction to Leicester's third consecutive league defeat to Norwich. (Graham Maloy, England).

"I haven't read it and I haven't seen the pictures....but it's a fantastic book".
Sven-Goran Eriksson interviewed on local sports radio Dubai Eye talking about the new ManYoo Opus being heavily marketed in Dubai at the moment. Says it all, really. (Dave Hanson, Dubai).

"I needed a whizz, mate!"
Plymouth boss Ian Holloway after being asked why he left the Plymouth-Luton match with a couple of minutes to go. (Neil, England).

"Tonight's game is more than a six pointer!"
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd before Tuesday's Game with Sheffield United. (Peter Brewin, England).

"He's been in a different class in training and on the pitch. He's a lovely guy and if I had a daughter, I'd let him marry her. But I haven't got a daughter and he's already married, so there you go."
Terry Butcher about Sydney FC midfielder Robbie Middleby. (Alan Smith, Australia).

"Jon Macken threw his dollies out of the pram, so I threw them at him!"
Ipswich manager Jim Magilton after the Barnsley away game where Macken reacted badly to being substituted. (Rachel Stevens, England).

Belleck?

"Ballack is having a nightmare. They'll be changing his name soon."
Chris Waddle, Radio 5 Live, Man United v Chelsea. (Ian Southwell, England).

"If they gave out medals for Losers, Jamie Peacock would be first in the queue!"
Eddie Hemmings after Great Britain lost the final Tri Nations Test to Australia. (Adam Collantine, England).

"You cant get through the game without bookings, unless you don't book anyone at all."
John Hollins on Sky Sports News, commenting on Man Utd v Chelsea. (Kenny, Scotland).

"Wales made the mistake of trying to play rugby."
Jeremy Guscott's comment at half-time as Wales trailed the All Blacks 28-3. (Mark Dance, England).

"He's just four or five wickets away from...a huge number of wickets."
Craig Marais (SABC commentator) on Shaun Pollock's wicket tally during the third ODI against South Africa. (Pollock is close to 400 Test wickets, by the way). (Vasu, South Africa).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

It's a great club...

"If you made a lot of money selling biscuits, buy our club."
West Ham fans welcome their new owner, the biscuit baron Eggert Magnusson, with a rousing chorus to the tune of the old Club biscuit TV advert. (Fraser, Harrogate).

"Rain in a minute, its gonna rain in a minute" AND "4-1, we're gonna win 4-1."
The Barmy Army during and after England's defeat to Australia in the first Ashes Test. (Chris Giles, Bristol).

"You've got the whole world, in your team."
Australian fans to the Barmy Army. (Giles Deshon, Australia/Canada).

"We're all German in disguise."
Tottenham fans in the Bayer Leverkusen end during their Uefa Cup match. (Coatsie, England).

"We built Sib city, We built Sib city on scoooring goals!"
At the Newcastle vs Portsmouth game after Antoine Sibierski scored (to the tune of We Built This City On Rock And Roll). (Ben Oliver, England).

"You're just a s**t Kevin Nolan"
Bolton fans to Chelsea's Frank Lampard. (Martin Mcloughlin, Bolton, UK).

"You're just a s**t Joey Barton"
Chant heard from the City fans at Liverpool v Man City whenever Steven Gerrard touched the ball. (Kenny D, England).

Bang Bang Jon Stead,
Never Scores with his head,
Bang Bang Jon Stead.
To the tune of Dirty Pretty Things' Bang Bang You're Dead. (Tim Seymour, UK).

"England's number four"
Chant heard during Spurs-Wigan game to Latics keeper Chris Kirkland. "England's number one" was up the other end. (Coren Lass,England)

Who the **** is Delia Smith?

"There's only one Gordon Ramsay."
Hull fans taking a swipe at Norwich City supremo Delia Smith. (Danny Walker, England).

"Who's the ****** in the hat?"
Newcastle fans taunt an inappropriately dressed Pompey fan.

"Who's the ****** in the hat?"
Portsmouth fans agree! (Chris, Scotland).

"We've got the third best Spiller in the land."
Sittingbourne FC fans to Ricky Spiller after his great free kick. His brothers, Lee and Danny, play for Dover and Gillingham respectively. (Lee Richardson, Kent)

"You shoulda stayed at the big club!"
Sung by Colchester United fans to former manager Phil Parkinson. (Gav Smith, England).

"Lasagne, whoah! Lasagne whoah! We laughed ourselves to bits, When Tottenham had the s*****!"
Arsenal fans. (Joe Suich, England).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?