Hands up if you can't add up
"I'm flattered by the response from fans who believe I should be the next boss but two and two do not always make four."
Alan Curbishley might be the saviour of West Ham but he's unlikely to win any prizes for mental arithmetic. You do the math.
"I've had enough."
Ronnie O'Sullivan to Stephen Hendry, after conceding the UK Championship quarter-final to his opponent with a possible 12 frames left to play.
"England did nothing in the World Cup, so why are they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals, we played like s***, here's my book'. Who wants to read that? I don't."
Man City midfielder Joey Barton says what he thinks about the raft of autobiographies from England players released after their anonymous World Cup.
"I'm going to keep it so realistic it is unreal."
British sprinter Mark Lewis-Francis on challenging world record holder Asafa Powell.
"It didn't disturb me too much and I don't expect to be banned. Do you want me sent to jail?"
Arsene Wenger after being sent off during Arsenal's 2-2 draw with Portsmouth.
"At the moment, things are not going for us, and we would probably need a dog to run on the pitch to head it into the net for us."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd admits his team are suffering from a lack of
confidence following the 0-0 draw with Reading.
"We will only be in trouble if we listen to Jose too much."
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson responds to Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho's claim
his side "would be in trouble" if they thought the championship battle was
Happy Christmas to you too, Jose
"It's Jose, he's panicking already."
Ferguson jokes after his mobile phone rings during a press conference.
"We all want to play great music all the time, but if that is not possible, you have to hit as many right notes as you can." Mourinho admits Chelsea haven't been completely on song this season, but persistence is getting them through.
"We had a referee who in my opinion wasn't up to the required standard and that isn't bleating about the referee."
Burnley manager Steve Cotterill does a great impression of not bleating at the referee, following his team's 1-0 defeat at Coventry.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"After shooting practice yesterday, I had to drive up the M27 and collect four balls!"
Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp on striker Benjani Mwaruwari's wayward shooting. (Oliver Payne, England).
"Tourette's Syndrome is not suppose to be contagious but after Taylor's shot flew over Tim Howard's head, 20,000 people said '**** me!'" Sun reporter Dave Kidd after Matt Taylor's wonder goal for Portsmouth against Everton goalkeeper Tim Howard, who suffers from Tourette's.
(Conrad Edkins, England).
"For those of you who know Bramall Lane, Sheffield United are playing from left to right."
Five Live radio commentary on The Sheffield Utd v Aston Villa game. Surely that depends on which side of the ground you're sitting - or did the commentator think we could see him? (Stewart Easby, UK).
"He's had three offside decisions, two right, two wrong."
Chris Kamara on Sky Sports' Goals on Sunday, talking about Benni McCarthy. (Adam Qureshi, England).
"I am from Eindhoven and support PSV...where I come from, Ajax is what we clean our toilets with."
Tennis player Paul Haarhuis on being asked whether he supported Ajax or Feyenoord. (Rhys Williams, England).
Bleach football, anyone?
"He really is the big, bad wolf, isn't he? Even the three pigs and their brick house would have been blown down with his huffing and puffing!"
Aggers gives his assessment of the ever-appealing Shane Warne. (Fershad,
"I think Harmison would like to give McGrath a little touch up before rolling him over."
Tony Greig to Simon O'Donnell whilst commentating on the third Test.
(Paul Worrall, Australia).
"To be in the top four alongside teams like Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal is incredible."
Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp after their draw with Arsenal. Just how many teams can you have in the top four? (Naveed).
"Chelsea have scored in every game this season, and they're going to need to keep that record up to win today."
Jamie Redknapp at half-time in the Chelsea-Arsenal game, when the score was 0-0.
(Michael Taylor, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Big mast in Croydon, you're just a big mast in Croydon."
Plymouth Argyle fans away at Crystal Palace.
"Who needs Mourinho, we've got our physio!"
Scunthorpe fans pay tribute to manager Nigel Adkins, the club's old physio. (Dom the Pom, UK).
That was for you, Viv
"Hoggy, Hoggy, Hoggy! Wide, Wide, Wide!"
Myself and my fellow West Indian cricket fans when we realised Adam Gilchrist could be about to beat Viv Richards' record for the fastest century in Test Match history. As requested, Matthew Hoggard did bowl a wide to peserve the record by one ball. Get in Hoggy!!(Ryan Powell, England).
"Mourinho are you listening, you'd better keep our trophy glistening, coz we'll be back in May to take it away, walking in a Fergie Wonderland!"
Manchester United fans. (Dean Velani, England).
"Channel 10, Channel 10, Channel 10."
Barmy Army when a reporter from rival Channel 9 sat with them. The Aussie TV station quickly cut away! (Ross, Australia).
"Hit the road, Jacques, and don't you come back."
In the recent SA v India match after Jaques Kallis was dismissed. (SK, England).
"Have you ever seen a salad?"
Aston Villa fans to Sheffield United goalkeeper Paddy Kenny.
(Iain Gillett, England).
"Do Do Do, we're not homophobic, Do Do Do, we just hate Ashley Cole."
Song sung by the Arsenal fans at Stamford Bridge after police had warned anyone making homophobic chants would be thrown out.
(Barry Wrafter, Ireland).