If looks could kill...
Ian Holloway gives us the lowdown on the burning issues of the week in his regular column.
The Plymouth boss tells us what he will buy Alan Pardew and Arsene Wenger for Christmas, plus views on Britney Spears, Jackson Pollock and why he dressed up as Santa.
PARDEW AND WENGER'S TOUCHLINE SPAT
It was handbags at five paces, wasn't it? I suppose it was a bit silly, but what do you expect in a local derby like that?
They're both on my Christmas list - the thing is I can't decide whether to buy them a handbag each or a pair of
boxing gloves! I think they should sort it out like you did when you were at school - get them in the ring, get it on the TV and have a little go. It's only a bit of fun.
If you've been pilloried like Alan Pardew has, you can understand why he's got a bit extra in his locker. How that bloke's job is under threat after what he did last year and the year before...I just can't get over it. Whoever ends up buying that club ought to buy some glasses while he's at it to have a look at what Pardew's done there.
Mr Wenger's an absolute gentleman but it was nice to see him getting angry for once. It's nice to see a bit of passion. I hate to see people calm and calculated all the time because it makes me feel totally inferior.
What about Sven? I heard he got angry once - I can't remember when it was though!
FERGIE CELEBRATES 20 YEARS IN CHARGE AT MAN UTD
Could you see me being at one club for 20 years? You're having a laugh! If you manage one year and 11 days in the Championship you're doing well!
The job Alex has done there has been absolutely awesome. He hasn't just built one team, it's more like four. He's a credit to the club and I'm full of respect for the bloke.
Southend forgot to read the script, though. They were absolutely all over them and Freddy Eastwood weighed in with a great free kick.
It's all about putting the ball in the net and you'd have thought with the players they had out, Man United should have done that.
Mind you, I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!
BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING DIVORCED
She loves him, she loves him not
How long's she been married - five minutes? What a waste of space - why do they bother? They don't seem to go that well, singing careers and marriages.
Although to be honest, if she got married 55 times I wouldn't worry about it.
Good luck to her and I hope she finds happiness - everyone deserves that - but my God these pop stars go through partners like a cheap pair of underpants, don't they?
BECOMING SANTA FOR THE PLYMOUTH CALENDAR
They changed the red suit to green and stuck me up by Smeaton's Tower, the big lighthouse on the Hoe.
They superimposed the colours to change it from red and white to green and white. I said they should do it permanently. I wouldn't fancy painting it myself though- perhaps I'll get some of my young lads up there to do it.
What's that coming over the hill - it's a green Santa
It's the first calendar I've been in and I would imagine sales will be affected once they know there's a picture of me in it. But at least I had some clothes on this time.
I did a shoot with nothing on the other day for testicular cancer and when some of my daughters' schoolfriends saw me in the paper they thought I was a porn star!
JACKSON POLLOCK PAINTING SELLS FOR RECORD £73m
Well someone's been ripped off there haven't they? Unbelievable. I wouldn't pay £73m for a load of squiggles. I do appreciate fine art but I don't think a load of squiggles is fine art at all.
I did a painting on that Stress Test programme when I was at QPR and I called it 'Promotion' because we got promotion after I'd done it, but I can't call it a painting really - it's just a load of crap on the wall. Hopefully someone will see it and pay me £73m for it!
Some of these art critics will be trying to read stuff into it but I think it's like the Emperor's New Clothes. What it needs is one little kid to stand up and say: "Hang on, that's rubbish!"
If this Pollock bloke painted a face and you could recognise it then that's great, but you're not an artist if you just go around and squiggle things on a canvas. I don't think so, anyway.
It's like I said last week about these hairdressers who cut it all different lengths and swazz it about with gel. I could do that. Absolute frauds the lot of them. And so is that Pollock.
Interview by Chris Charles.