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They could almost be brothers
"In the first leg we played Barcelona without two goalkeepers and now we may have to play them without two strikers. But it's OK, I take the bus. Only defenders and midfield players and I take the bus."
Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho on his striker crisis ahead of the Barcelona game. We don't know what he's on about either.
"If something has gone wrong, we say it. He is almost a Yorkshireman with a Portuguese accent."
The often outspoken Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock
on the equally forthright Mourinho.
"Places like this are the soul of English football. The crowd is magnificent, saying '**** off Mourinho' and so on.
Mourinho revels in the abuse he received from Blades fans at Bramall Lane.
"I didn't want to frighten myself!"
Warnock refuses to watch Chelsea's win over Blackburn, preferring instead to look at a nature programme with his kids.
"I spoke to him. I was speaking English and then changed to French on purpose and he changed with me at the same
Multi-lingual Mourinho is pleased with the progress of Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech as he
continues his recovery from a fractured skull.
"My big dislike is traffic jams and that's why I'm going to live in Cornwall when I retire. The only traffic jam there is when the tractor pulls up at the post office."
Warnock on why he didn't take the Chelsea job when he was offered it by Ken Bates in 1991.
Yes, still in one piece!
"I put on a video of one of his recent fights and it made my eyes water, there were so many low blows. I want a big family so I was straight on the phone to sort out some insurance for my meat and two veg!"
Super featherweight Kevin Mitchell before his Commonwealth title fight with Ghana's George Ashie. Mitchell won the contest on points, with everything intact.
"He's going to be what?! Oh for God's sake. Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird."
Ian Holloway reacts to the news that Beckham is being tipped for a knighthood in his column for BBC Sport.
"You know the song My Way? I think that fits how I feel."
Michael Schumacher bows out with a song in his heart.
"If we lose I will be left with 35 fried eggs on my face."
Aston Villa manager Martin O'Neill on facing former club Leicester in the League Cup. Villa sneaked it 3-2.
"The players have got plenty of food in the dressing room so he couldn't have been hungry!"
West Ham keeper Robert Green attempts to defuse the Jermain Defoe bite row.
"Defoe showed a bit of bite tonight. He got his teeth into us, the b******!"
MK Dons boss Martin Allen after Defoe scored twice in Spurs' 5-0 win in the Carling Cup.
One doesn't throw tea cups you know
"Throwing teacups is old school. Even Sir Alex would tell you it's old school!"
New Macclesfield manager Paul Ince intends to take the softly softly approach.
"It was easier to score than miss. I will have nightmares about it."
Watford's Tommy Smith on the open goal he hooked over the bar against Spurs.
"I've got a voice on each shoulder - one saying go home and stop being ridiculous, the other saying I might regret that decision. Golf and my body don't particularly go together, which is a bit of a bummer. I should have been England football captain."
David Howell debates whether to pull out of the Volvo Masters with an injured shoulder, knowing it could jeopardise his chances of winning the European Order of Merit. He opted to play but could only finish third overall.
"Even in grade cricket his fielding was openly laughed at. He would allow the ball to go through his legs without getting a hand on it but you couldn't be angry. His own team-mates couldn't help cracking up."
Ben Hook, coach of Aussie club side Glenelg, on Monty Panesar's spell with them last winter.
"I thought to myself: 'Go on, son - get a couple more!'"
Sir Alex Ferguson after seeing Wayne Rooney score a hat-trick for Man Utd at Bolton.
"I want them to be a bit like the Leeds of old - horrible."
New manager Dennis Wise plans to mould his new team in his own image.
"It wasn't the reaction I was expecting. I thought a couple of things might have landed on my head."
Wise gets cheered by the Leeds fans.
"We've been through a transitional period. The process of change goes like this: storming when new people come, norming when the new people get settled and
Iain Dowie after a difficult start to his managerial career at Charlton. He must be hoping his side have some bouncebackability.
Ronnie prepares for his next match
"A lot of snooker players are too intense and serious. I want to be like Billy the Kid."
Hotshot Ronnie O'Sullivan.
"He is a supporter of the club like the people sat behind the goal, he just has a different seat and puts a suit on."
Manchester City manager Stuart Pearce backs the right of club chairman John Wardle to speak out after the 4-0 defeat
"It will be good to see Jimmy again. He's never still, so God help the physios there just now!"
Wigan boss Paul Jewell prepares to visit Fulham, where old boy Jimmy Bullard is recovering from a cruiciate knee ligament injury.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Snakes on a plane? Whats that all about?"
Andy Townsend, when being asked about the recently-released film Snakes on a Plane on Talksport.
(Tom Black, England).
"If that wasn't a goal, my auntie's my uncle!"
Chris Kamara on Henri Camara's 'goal' that never stood in the Fulham v Wigan game. (Ian Mc, UK).
One day you'll be as good looking as me, Tim
"I didn't expect to see him and when I did he looked worse than I had been told. He actually looked uglier than usual."
Adonis Phil Neville on Tim Howard, who had a touch of flu before the Sheff Utd game. (Chris Gibson, Lancs).
"I don't know what they've had at the mid-session interval, but it's certainly not potting pills."
Dennis Taylor on Mark King and John Higgins playing poor snooker during their Grand Prix quarter-final. (Samee, Surrey).
"He needs a bit of an adrenaline surge in the balls to give him confidence."
Willie Thorne's observations during the Alan McManus v Neil Robertson Grand Prix semi-final. (Alex Powell, UK).
"The 2,000 away fans will be unhappy; in fact half of them have gone, there's only 500 left."
Chris Waddle's maths needs some work when talking about the Man City fans. (Daniel Williams, UK).
"He likes to get right up your backside and make you turn the other way."
Paul Merson on Khalid Bouhlarouz's worrying defending techniques during Chelsea-Barcelona. (John Craggs, England).
"I've just seen the replay again for the first time."
David Moyes commenting on an incident from the Sheffield United game. (Andrew Mollart, England).
"I ate home-made pumpkin and prawn soup and it had some disastrous effects. I'll never eat prawns again."
Fulham's Moritz Volz has a bit of tummy trouble. Whatever happened to the good old days of a fry-up before the match? (Peter, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
Oh no, not the prawns again
''Who ate all the prawns?''
The Fulham fans to Moritz Volz at the Villa game. It inspired him to score! (Callum Fraser, England).
"Steve Gerrard, Gerrard, He kisses the badge on his chest, Then puts in a transfer request, Steve Gerrard, Gerrard."
The chant from triumphant Manchester United fans in their 2-0 victory over Liverpool. (Ben, Cheshire).
"Who needs Mourinho? We've got Roy Keanio!"
Sunderland fans. (Phil Peel, UK).
"Come in a taxi, you must have come in a taxi!"
Stockport fans chant to Torquay counterparts.
(Jason Wigley, England).
"You're not hungry, you're not hungry, you're not hungry anymore!"
MK Dons fans to Jermain Defoe.