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Jermain grins and bares it
"Defoe was nibbling his arm, but if you ask Mascherano to show you any marks on it he will not be able to. Mascherano had kicked Jermain from behind three times and Defoe wanted to show his frustration in a nice, comical way."
Spurs boss Martin Jol tries to explain away Jermain Defoe's 'nibble' at Javier Mascherano during Tottenham's 1-0 defeat of West Ham.
"I am enjoying being manager - except for Saturday afternoons."
New Bournemouth manager Kevin Bond after seeing his side crash 3-1 at home to Rotherham.
"We are not going to Everton looking for autographs, we are looking for points and that is the difference."
Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock on how his side are no longer overawed by Premiership opponents. They lost 2-0.
"I hope for his sake he has a long and illustrious career. But when he finds out what women are all about we'll see, won't we?"
Martin Adams questions whether the new World Masters darts champion Michael van Gerwen, 17, will be able to stay focused on the bullseye as he gets older.
"He's like a second wife."
Benni McCarthy on his special relationship with fellow-striker Jason Roberts at Blackburn.
"I asked the fourth official if he was counting the time on a sundial."
Norwich caretaker boss Martin Hunter on the decision to add five minutes of injury-time during the 3-3 draw at QPR. Martin Rowlands scored in time added on
to earn Rangers a point.
And in goal for Chelsea...
"Instead of demanding action against those who so violently challenge the keepers, they want to dress us up like ice hockey netminders."
Carlo Cudicini on PFA chief executive Gordon Taylor's call for keepers to wear helmets in the wake of the challenges on Cudicini and Petr Cech.
"All this selling himself as a gentleman is not true. He is the worst rubbish there is."
David Nalbandian accuses Tim Henman of unsporting behaviour.
"A player from Man City showed half of his ass for two seconds and it was a big nightmare. But this is a real nightmare."
Jose Mourinho compares Petr Cech's nasty injury with Joey Barton's bottom-baring antics.
"I've seen the videos - Sav rushed down to show me. What do I think of his acting skills? He definitely shouldn't give up his day job!"
Blackburn manager Mark Hughes reacts to Rovers team-mates Robbie Savage and Andy Todd impersonating one another in home videos.
"I'm not going to sit here and talk bull***t about us not having one eye on the Ashes - because we have."
England's Steve Harmison ahead of the Champions Trophy Clash with Australia, in which he seemed to have both eyes closed.
Some guys have all the luck
"I am a bit disappointed because as I was walking away, the models were coming on. I'm on the outside court for my next match so I won't have them again but if I win the next one then there's a chance."
Andy Murray tries to get himself an evening match at the Madrid Masters, when models act as ball girls. Sadly, Novak Djokovic ended his dreams for another year.
"Lionel Messi is a world-class player. He's young and chasing him around has done my back in!"
Ashley Cole on the talented Messi.
"Now we have a new problem - a goal that is cancelled for something that does not exist!"
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger on the Thierry Henry 'goal' against CSKA Moscow ruled out for 'handball'.
"He doesn't have to call me Big Sam!"
Bolton boss Sam Allardyce (6ft 3ins) on signing 6ft 9ins Yang Charpeng on loan.
"There is a long, long way to go. This division is the longest and the toughest to get out of anywhere. That's not mind games - I can't even finish the crossword."
Cardiff manager Dave Jones after the Championship leaders win 2-1 at Crystal Palace.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"We passed like ships in the night. He was a huge rich yacht and I was a little rowing boat."
Graeme le Saux, on leaving Chelsea as Roman Abramovich arrived.
(Brian Robertson, Scotland).
We know you're in there, Trevor
"I sometimes put on my kids' Power Rangers outfits to chill out."
Trevor Sinclair admits some interesting habits on Radio One. (Stephen Brennan, UK).
"He's bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now."
Plymouth boss Ian Holloway on Hasney Aljofree breaking his nose. (Jonathan Eddy,
"You've got to remember, this guy's basically undefeated, except for that one loss!"
Lennox Lewis commenting on Joe Calzaghe's difficult last opponent, Sakio Bika. (Liam Murray, Chicago)
"The alarm bells are flashing."
Commentator Rob Hawthorne during the Man Utd-Liverpool match.
(Dan Fawcett-White, Ireland).
"We are playing sexy football - in fact it is an orgy of football - the other team know they are going to get it, but they don't know when or where from."
Cardiff Chairman Sam Hamman On City's wonderful start to the season.
(Dave Moore, Wales).
"If Mourinho was made of chocolate he would lick himself."
Tommy Docherty in The Times. (Dave Moore, Wales).
"There was a whiff of Minder about the 2-0 defeat. The formation had Venables' prints all over it, and when the hard questions were being asked, he was nowhere to be see. A bit like when the Winchester Club was being raided, and all that was left of Arthur was a half finshed vodka and tonic, and a whiff of cigar smoke."
Patrick Collins, Daily Mail on Terry Venables' absence from the aftermath of England's defeat by Croatia. (Neil, Edinburgh, Scotland).
"They don't want him kicking too many balls with his groin."
Joe Royle on Steven Harper during Newcastle v Fenerbahce. (Spencer, UK).
"It has been a milky performance."
David Pleat about Man Utd. What is a milky performance?!
"Big Kyle is full of energy, he'd chase paper on a windy day.''
BBC Northern Ireland co-commentator Billy Hamilton commenting on Kyle Lafferty during the Denmark v NI match. (Clifford, Northern Ireland).
"Neither side have any real injury problems, except Newcastle."
Newcastle v Bolton, Fox Soccer Channel.(Richard Howe, USA).
"He's got character from where he comes from, not so long ago he was in a kitchen, so he has got the hunger."
Adrian Boothroyd on goalkeeper Ben Foster, a former chef. ( Pete, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
Come on, one more for old times' sake
"Robbo, Robbo, give us a goal!"
Aston Villa fans to Spurs keeper Paul Robinson after his air-kick let in the second goal for Croatia against England earlier in the week. (Steven, Manchester).
"It's so Japan-easy."
Celtic fans to their Dundee United counterparts, after Japanese star Naknamura scored a hat-trick. (Dan, Wales).
"Dichio, Dichio, Danny Dichio, he's got no hair but we don't care, Danny Dichio!"
Preston fans, after the folically-challenged striker scored against Sunderland. (Andrew Steel, England).
"Barton, Barton show us yer a***!"
Sheffield United fans to Joey Barton when taking a corner kick near the Blades fans at the Manchester City v Sheffield United match. (Jonny, Yorkshire, UK).