I like the look of that lad Holloway
Ian Holloway gives us the lowdown on the burning issues of the week in his regular column.
The Plymouth boss talks about his comeback as a player for the reserves, Vinnie Jones' political aspirations, Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan and Rod Stewart's libido!
HOLLOWAY BACK IN MIDFIELD
That was the shortest contract at a club anyone's ever going to have.
The boy Holloway played one game, should have come off after 10 minutes, but unfortunately lasted 90 and ruined the whole performance. So I've had a word in his ear, pulled him in my office and he's never ever going to play again.
Some reports said Holloway was dictating the play and spraying the ball around, but they were misquoted. What they actually said was: "He should be a car sprayer instead."
I told the players I felt privileged to have been out there with them. We had two lads out there who were 15 and I realised I was actually 28 years older than them. One of them had to come off with cramp and I still carried on.
But you've got to let go gracefully. I told them they were getting better, while I was getting worse so I've put two dirty great screws through my boots and they're hung on the wall now.
Your body doesn't allow you to do what you used to do - it was embarrassing and I'll never do it again!
VINNIE JONES FANCIES A GO AT BECOMING A TORY MP
So, who disagrees with me then?
"I'm a Conservative but I talk for the ordinary working classes. I get on with the boys at the pub but I can also mix with Prince Andrew." Vinnie Jones.
Ha ha! He likes wearing a bit of tweed as well, doesn't he? He could do a lot better job than half of them, so good luck to him.
If you ask him a question he won't skirt around the edges. He'll give you a straight answer to a straight question. He talks a lot of sense.
And you wouldn't want to be Tony Blair trying to have an argument with him. You'd have to have a referee there.
I'd quite fancy having a go at that myself. I've got to find something else to do for a living, because I'm rubbish at this management lark!
PALACE FANS TO WEAR ORANGE IN TRIBUTE TO SIMON JORDAN
Oh dear, that's criminal isn't it? I wouldn't say he's orange - he looks quite brown compared to some people. Lovely to see a bit of humour about the place, though.
What he's done for the club in buying the ground is absolutely terrific and I wish him all the very best. What I like about him is that he says what he feels. Some people might not like it but at least you know where you stand.
The man and his tan
A lot of us pretend to like people and pretend to say the right things because we're worried about our image, but he doesn't seem to care.
He reminds me of that joke about a 15ft budgie. Where does he sleep? Anywhere he likes! Because you're not going to argue with him!
ROD STEWART TO HAVE ONE MORE CHILD BEFORE 'THE SNIP'
Well what a lucky chap to be able to dictate when he's going to get a woman pregnant! Most of us have got to wait for the old nod if you know what I mean. Fair play. It's amazing what Viagra can do!
Most of us are getting our pipe and slippers on at that sort of age and he's still having a go. Well done, Rod!
Interview by Chris Charles.