Cole's own goal

Listen to Robbo rant!

By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees Mouth

Would you like me to get you a copy of my book?

Hello Robbo.

Hello son. I must say I enjoyed the battle of the fiery Scots at Old Trafford - very exciting. It was 3-2 in practice but about 17-2 in theory.

I see neither manager wanted to talk about their alleged 'spat' before the game.

Well I'm sure whatever was said between them, it can't be as bad as Ashley Cole's moans in that book of his.

He's on his mobile phone, the agent rings up and tells him he's being offered five grand a week less than Arsenal agreed. He's so angry he nearly swerves off the road.

Two things: 1) Don't use your mobile phone when you're driving, Ashley. How daft can you be to admit that in public?

2) That means that one decision cost you £260,000 a year - out of what?

I think he would have been forced to struggle along on £2.6m.

Exactly. To me he's the epitome of what is wrong with football in this country. To most of us five grand a year would be a good start.

Shut up lad, just get on with playing football - which you're not that good at because I saw you playing for Chelsea in the Champions League and you were cack.

You know when you've been Persied

Then there's Van Persie, who insisted he was not a diver even though he clearly dived against Hamburg.

I've watched that replay again and again and it's not so much whether the leg made contact, it's more the dead ruthless look in Van Persie's eyes as he falls, looking at the linesman.

I thought the Giggs one was dodgy too. Why can't these people step over things? It must be awful for them if there's a ruffle in their carpet at home.

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Now, moving on to cricket. Neil in the UK says: Robbo - what do you make of Freddie getting the nod to be Ashes captain ahead of Strauss? And does it concern you that the selectors have picked at least four players who are currently injured?

Well first of all Freddie should be skipper if he's fit. He's inspirational on every level. I know it would take the pressure off him a bit if Strauss was captain, but I think Freddie will go for it more.

They're scared of Flintoff, the Aussies. Warne's got Strauss' number so they're not too bothered about him.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Super Fred

I am worried about the crocks, though. At this rate there'll be one plane for the players and one following behind with hospital facilities.

No real surprises in the squad, although I hoped Stuart Broad would be given the nod ahead of Liam Plunkett.

Yes, I think Broad can wield the bat as well as Plunkett and he'd probably do more damage on those Australian pitches.

So what's your prediction for the Ashes - can we do it?

We can, yes. I noticed Ponting said he was surprised they picked Freddie as captain, so that's a good sign. Whatever they'd have done, Ponting would have said it was stupid. It shows he's already getting the needle and hopefully that will inspire our lads to be aggressive and win it.

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Finally, Paul in England says: Now then Robbo, if you're talking about triathlon events, then our kid and I are arguably world champions. Down the local for a game of dominoes, on to the Bull's Head for a game of arrows, finishing up in the Working Men's for a snooker decider.

Triathlon, what a laugh, bit of a swim, little bike ride and a little jog.

Well I think you're being a bit uncharitable to those people who train so hard to take part in these things.

I respect what they achieve, but what would it be like to live with a triathlete? I think a lot of them are blokes in bad relationships who've found a good excuse to stay out.

You can't beat a bit a bully

Can't see you tonight, love, I've gotta go for a swim, then I've got to get on the bike, then go for a run.

Either that or they haven't got any friends and this is what they have to do to fill their lonely days.

And what about Paul's triathlon?

Well snooker and darts are always a good combination, not sure about the dominoes, though.

I might start off with a game of cribbage, then move on to a snooker hall where you can tank up on cheap beer and then you're back in the pub for the darts and you don't really care by that stage.

It's a bit like Indoor League with Fred Trueman*. Beautiful.

OK, on that note we'll leave it there. I won't mention QPR, but good luck to Middlesbrough this weekend.

Cheers - and I won't mention QPR either. Thank God for Hull is all I'll say.

Speak soon, Robbo.

Ta-ta, son.

* Fred Trueman's Indoor League was first broadcast in 1973. The programme involved grown men engaged in classic pub sports like darts, shove ha'penny and arm wrestling, all under the watchful eye of "Sir Frederick", the legendary Yorkshire and England fast bowler. Unsurprisingly, the programme became cult viewing.

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