Quotes of the week

You're not lying to me are you Craig?

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"He says he's a Red, but they all say that when they sign, don't they?"
Steven Gerrard is suspicious about new team-mate Craig Bellamy's claim to be a lifelong Liverpool fan.

"It was a very, very dodgy wicket."
Goldsborough Cricket Club chairman Henry Webster explains why none of the the second XI team were able to score a run in their North Yorkshire amateur league game with Dishforth. They were bowled out for five - with all the runs coming from extras.

"At the moment we've only got 16 first-team players and my initials stand for Mick McCarthy, not Merlin the Magician."
McCarthy tries to dampen down expectations that he can work miracles in his new job at Wolves.

"It's a new look for a new season at Chelsea. I did it because I want to push my son to do the same. I also did it because I want to push the young players on my team to have a proper haircut, not the Rastafarian or the others they have."
Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho clearly feels he's a cut above the rest.

"When Mourinho says training will last one-and-a-half hours it will never last a second longer."
Former Chelsea striker Eidur Gudjohnsen on Mourinho's worrying attention to detail.

O'Neill sticks one on his horse

"O'Neill was wearing a helmet but he appeared to come off second best."
Racegoer who witnessed the extraordinary spectacle of jocky Paul O'Neill headbutting his horse, City Affair, at Stratford.

"Rooney was complaining all the time... protests and more protests - he reminded me of my kids!"
Horacio Elizondo - the referee who sent off Wayne Rooney in the World Cup quarter-final.

"I've told them they have to support England and if they don't, they won't be getting a ticket."
England bowler Sajid Mahmood invites his Pakistan-born parents to the second Test, on the condition they shout for England.

"I would have gone almost anywhere to get away from Moyes. I suppose he expected to get most of the attention himself following a good season, but when he realised I was getting so much of the limelight I felt he resented it."
Rooney's latest autobiography revelations. That's the Everton manager off the Christmas card list, then.

"We talked about music and The Beatles, although he remarked I was much too young to remember them."
Norwegian Marius Thorp reveals what he and five-time Open champion Tom Watson discussed during the final round at Hoylake.

Oi Quinny, you're fired

"If it's not working out I'll walk immediately - I'll be one of the first chairmen to sack himself!"
Niall Quinn, who has taken on the dual role of chairman and manager at Sunderland.

"He was walking to the range on Wednesday afternoon and I heard the bookies were offering 25/1 that he chinned me, so I said to him, 'We can cut a deal'. Typical Tiger, he said: 'I'll put £2m on it!' and I thought, 'That'll do nicely.' If I can get just 5% of that I'll win more than I'm going to make at the Open."
Nick Faldo jokes about his plan to profit from his so-called feud with Open champion Tiger Woods.

AND THOSE WE MISSED

"She's in for a treat tonight!"
Golf commentator Peter Alliss upon spotting Woods' wife, Elin, as Tiger prepared to seal his Open victory at Hoylake. (Jay, UK).

"Thats almost enough to buy a government peerage".
Alliss discussing the prize money during the Open. (Kevin Webb, UK)

"Brings tears to your eyes."
Alliss' response to Wayne Grady saying Ken Brown used to soak his balls in vinegar before going out to play 18 holes. (Russell, UK)

"Tiger is going through a real purple patch right now."
The wicked Mark James as Tiger putted on the last hole at Hoylake just after some protesters threw purple flour bombs on the green. (Geoff Ellis, UK)

"Manny always performs better with the wood in his hand." Unknown ESPN analyst commenting on Boston Red Sox player Manny Ramirez's recent fielding errors. (Stephen Rooney, USA)

"I think they just want the referee to blow up at this point."
Martin O'Neill commentating on Eurosport during a rather boring Intertoto Cup tie between FC Moscow and Hertha Berlin. (Jason Yannacopoulos, UK)

"Gul has another ball in his hand and bowls to Bell who has two."
CMJ on TMS, day two of the Old Trafford Test. (S Brand, England)

"He is never in a hurry, he's got everything sorted out in his head, he's got such good vision."
Sir Alex Ferguson praising Paul Scholes after missing the second half of last season - with blurred vision. (Pete, UK).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?