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Last Updated: Tuesday, 11 April 2006, 11:53 GMT 12:53 UK
Leave the kid alone
Derek 'Robbo' Robson
By Derek 'Robbo' Robson
The Tees Mouth

Wayne Rooney celebrates goal against Arsenal
You can bet Wayne will be a hit in Germany

When Fergie told Wayne Rooney he wanted the lad to spend the rest of his career in the red, I don't think he meant to the tune of 700k.

(If you believe what you read).

Young Rooney has money to burn because there are people foolish enough to give it to him.

Yes, I'm sure he should have put it all into a nice cash ISA and told the youth of Great Britain what a valuable thing it is to save for your retirement, but let's face it, he'll never be short of supermarkets to open and nightclubs to make guest appearances at.

He's just been given a fortune to 'write' a book for God's sake. And in amongst all this claptrap the lad turns up against Europe's darlings, Arsenal, and puts in a performance that has hardly been bettered all season.

Lay off the lad. Let him lead us to World Cup glory and he'll wipe out the debt in a jiffy.

Farmer Phil

Phil Mickelson
He's not daft you know

He's not exactly your regular-looking sportsman is he, Phil Mickelson?

As he shambles along like some strange bear who has decided two feet are better than four, you can't help thinking of the times when he bottled it.

Not any more.

If he were an Englishman, he'd be the sort of bloke you'd pull in as a ringer for the village cricket team. 'Ey up, Phil, put that pitchfork down, get out of that smock, we need a slogger to come in at number six.'

I think what I'm trying to say is, with all that grinning and galumphing, Mickelson looks a bit stupid. Clearly he's not. Although as he was presented with his award, I thought what I always think - all that work for a bloody blazer.

We can look forward to Tiger and Farmer Phil shooting it out in majors for years to come, especially with the Europeans flattering to deceive once again.

Garcia, Harrington, Howell and Clarke all fell away meekly, as if the thought of having to wear a schoolboy's jacket at the end of it all had embarrassed them.

Let's hope for another gale at Hoylake in July.

National lottery

Niall 'Slippers' Madden with Numbersixvalverde
Madden gave the rest of the field the slip

The young lad who won the National, Niall Madden, is known as Slippers - surely he'll be teaming up with Martin Pipe soon?

His Dad was Boots Madden and his brother's nicknamed Socks. I hope he doesn't have a big family. I pity the poor chump who's called Espadrilles.

I think even Wayne Rooney could pick a better horse than me. I was tempted to go for Numbersixvalverde till I realised the nag was named after the address of the owner's house.

I wouldn't go for Twenty-SixNunthorpeRoad*, so why bother with this one?

My hunches, Shotgun Willy and Ross Comm (a grey horse for the lass) were both out long before the end.

Ross Comm's jockey reckoned 'we were going well'. You fell at the fourth, son! I could have clambered over them by meself! Any road, fingers crossed for next year.

*This is not my real address so don't bother sending unpleasant things there in the post.

Charity Begins At Home

How nice of Boro to give the Geordie bottlers a bit of cheer on Sunday.

Well, they've got nowt else to play for and while we're performing miracles, it's nice to give something back to the strugglers on the domestic front.

Secretly, I'm a bit gutted, but we've got to concentrate on the cups. So take the three points, you makeweights.

Murray Mouth

Greg Rusedski and Andy Murray
You'd swear by these boys

I know we should be laying into the kid Murray for his foul outburst during the Davis Cup, but frankly his response pales into insignificance compared to the expletives that came out of my mouth during the tie. And it shows the lad cares.

I'd rather he was scowling and screeching than being a lovely polite young man who never quite wins anything.

Old man Rusedski did his best but we shouldn't be relying on an ageing Canadian anyway.

You only have to look at the alternatives on the bench to realise Britain's tennis players are not going to be turning things around for a long while yet. I mean, who were those people? The ball-boys?

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Rooney/Owen dismiss gambling rift
10 Apr 06 |  Football
Madden hailed after National win
08 Apr 06 |  Horse Racing

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