Quotes of the week

At my age? You're 'avin a larf!

I got a fantastic reception from the crowd here at Upton Park - and why shouldn't I? Now I'm looking forward to getting one off the wife. Reception I mean. I'm too old for all that kind of stuff.
Portsmouth Harry Redknapp gets fruity after seeing his side win 4-2 on his return to West Ham.

We haven't signed Houdini on loan... yet. But the gaffer might have something up his sleeve, you never know.
Portsmouth captain Gary O'Neill on Redknapp's recent magic touch.

When, for example, Alan Pardew calls me at the beginning of the season and asks to have Jeremie Aliadiere on loan, he does not check if he is English or not. He just checks if he is good or not.
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger reacts to the criticism of his Arsenal side by West Ham boss Alan Pardew for having no British players.

That judge was drunk.
James Toney after his 'majority draw' with Hasim Rahman meant Rahman kept the WBC world heavyweight crown. Two judges scored the fight 114-114, with the third declaring it 117-111 in Rahman's favour.

The other two judges were drunk.
Rahman hits back.

We knew over here it was about silencing the crowd. Today, the band played. The players are stunned.
England coach Andy Robinson reflects on a 31-6 defeat to France in Paris which effectively ended his side's hopes of winning the Six Nations.

Here's what you could have won

I heard the draw and was delighted I was playing Jimmy, but then I found out I was playing Peter. No disrespect to Peter, he's a former world champion and a great player, but I would have loved to have played Jimmy at the Crucible. That's a match you dream of as a young boy!
Michael Holt after a mix up in the World Championship snooker draw initially had him playing Jimmy White but eventually Peter Ebdon.

I cannot believe a football player was doing that. Surely they can get a maid in with the money they make, but Lenny was doing it himself, the silly boy.
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan shows sympathy for his captain Neil Lennon after the midfielder had cut his hand in a domestic accident.

Every team needs a player who chases everything and puts a foot in - you cannot have 11 Diego Maradonas on the pitch.
Bulgarian midfielder Radostin Kishishev reflects on his role in the Charlton side. Try telling the Charlton fans that.

Tony is as tough as old nails and he'd probably ride if he had no legs and no arms. I think they're a match made in heaven. One is tough and the other is tougher but I don't know which is which.
Trainer Colm Murphy after Tony McCoy and Brave Inca emerged victorious in the Smurfit Kappa Champion Hurdle at Cheltenham.

I haven't received a call from the FA concerning the England coach's job.
Birmingham manager Steve Bruce after seeing his side beaten 2-0 at home by Spurs.

My daughter said "When was the last time you scored, Daddy?" and that made me quite nervous!
Bournemouth striker Steve Fletcher reveals the pre-match team talk that saw him end his 11-month scoring drought against Yeovil.

Can you tell who it is yet?

There are 19 managers and clubs, plus one. There are not 20 in the same table.
Guess which Premiership manager feels he and his club are isolated?

If we stay up, I'll buy Marcus Bignot a bottle of champagne!
Brighton boss Mark McGhee after QPR defender Bignot's soft own goal gifted the Seagulls a point at Loftus Road.

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And here's some from you (send in any quotes we missed using the postform on the right hand side).

If it's a game of football, Rangers will lose.
Fraser Wishart talking on TV before Rangers Champions league tie against Villareal. (Anon, Scotland).

You can't win a game of rugby in the first 20 minutes but you can lose one. (eh?!)
Jeremy Guscott. (Dan Worth, Wales).

If I could catch it, I would kill it!
Alan Shearer talking about a tortoise in his back garden on the BBC.
(Ian , Newcastle, England).

It's like kissing your mother-in-law.
Wales caretaker coach Scott Johnson, after the draw with Italy. (Lucy Brooks, England).

That was just like a goal he almost scored for England a few years ago.
Tony Gubba about a Ray Parlour shot in the Middlesbrough v Charlton game. (Paul Cope, England).

During the Winter Olympics ice hockey tournament, the commentator mentioned the two twins playing for Sweden. He kindly informed everyone they were both 26 years of age! (Michael London).

I'm not sitting on the fence but I can't call this one.
Keith Wood, ex-Ireland rugby captain, when asked by John Inverdale who would win the France-England match. (Paul J Hasson).

Even by his high standards, that was probably a miss.
The indescribable David Pleat following what, by anyone's standards, was a miss from Samuel Eto'o in the Barcelona Chelsea game. (Steve Oirtwine, UK).

At this level, you cannot defend like that and get away with it. We've defended like that and got away with it today.
Birmingham manager Steve Bruce in the post-match interview after Birmingham v West Brom. (Doug Mason, Netherlands).

The thinking man's commentator

He said that in Spanish, but the ref's Italian so he'll have understood.
Graeme Le Saux during a Champions League game. (Daniel Hodges, England).

Instinctively he's a very instinctive player.
Graham Le Saux on Wayne Rooney. (Sean Newton, UK).

Say yes.
Thierry Henry to Cesc Fabregas when Fabregas was asked by the Match of the Day reporter whether he was fouled by Xabi Alonso. (Shantul Sharma, England).

Crystal Palace had one or two good chances and scored three goals.
Stoke manager Jan de Kroning. (Paul McDougall, Edinburgh).

Some of the England (rugby) team were under the weather before the game with stomach bugs - officials were trying to get to the bottom of it.
BBC Breakfast sport reporter Chris Hollins.(Rob Liddle, England).

He makes the simple thing look easy.
Sky commentator on Inzaghi, who scored for AC Milan in the Champions League. (Iain Whyte, Scotland).

It's ******* ****!
Giancarlo Fischella's reply when asked "How are things going?" by his pit crew. Unfortunately this was broadcast live on Sunday morning's F1 race coverage as ITV had a feed from the Renault pit! (Nigel Dobbie, UK).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?