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Last Updated: Friday, 23 July, 2004, 12:30 GMT 13:30 UK
Geordies bite back
Eastenders' Frank Butcher

To mark Patrick Kluivert's arrival on Tyneside, we produced a lively little tongue-in-cheek guide to Newcastle for him.

Now this caused a few angry Geordies to bombard us with complaints after failing to see the funny side of the article.

But by far the best response came from one fan, who in the true spirit of things, gave soft southerner Chris Charles a taste of his own medicine, with this handy insight into London.

THE WEATHER

It's always hot darn sarf. The smog and pollution allow little air to escape and the resulting greenhouse effect makes for some great humidity. Also turns your bogies black.

THE FASHION

London fashion is always at the forefront. Whatever people in London wear is what everyone should be wearing, darling.

Unfortunately, it's all crap and over-priced. Kate Moss walking around Notting Hill in a pair of yellowy-fronts and dog dirt on her head would look plain daft oop north, but not in London. By crikey, it's cool.

THE LANDMARKS

Tower Bridge, Buckingham Palace, The House of Commons. London is the centre of the universe. Never mind the fact it's an overpriced swine to get to - and hell to get out of for the rest of the country.

For every Tower Bridge, there is a Millennium Dome.

HAVE YOUR SAY

Wembley is one of the greatest landmarks in London, one of the most difficult parts of London to get to and with costs and time spiralling out of control it really has been a breath of fresh air.

Praise must be handed to both the government and the FA for rebuilding here despite the majority of the country wanting a national stadium in Birmingham or Manchester. Good work fellas.

THE NIGHTLIFE

Jim Davidson
London is full of comedians

Southerners know how to party, some of them can even drink four pints on a 'crazy night'.

One thing you are always guaranteed in London bars is a lively atmosphere.

Remember, before going out on a 'crazy night' in London, visit your bank manager and remortgage your house. This will free up the several thousand pounds you will need to buy a round of watered-down pints of wee from an Aussie named Shane who thinks you are Welsh.

THE MUSIC

The south gave us Blazin' Squad and So Solid Crew, and you know what, they're proud of that.

THE LANGUAGE

If you think the Geordie accent is hard to understand, the Cockney one can be just as demanding.

Sounding similar to a Spaniard on crack, its real crowning glory is that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

By using fruit to describe basic building architecture and processed meat to describe parts of the body you are portraying yourself as a right clever sod.


SEE ALSO
Kluivert gets Tooned up
22 Jul 04  |  Fun and Games


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