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Last Updated: Thursday, 22 July, 2004, 16:13 GMT 17:13 UK
Kluivert gets Tooned up
By Chris Charles

Patrick Kluivert

Patrick Kluivert's arrival on Tyneside has been greeted with typical Geordie fervour.

This, they believe, is the man who will be taking goals to Newcastle. Cynics think the only thing he'll take is the p***.

Kluivert has been living the life of Riley at Barcelona - and when he's lining up to face Halifax in the third round of the Cup on a rum January afternoon in the North-East, the move to Britain may not seem quite so appealing.

But how will the Dutch master adapt? To help him on his way, we have cobbled together a cut-out-and-keep guide to life in the fair city of Newcastle.


THE WEATHER

There's two kinds of climate in Geordieland - cold and bloody cold.

Patrick would be strongly advised to invest in some heavy duty jumpers and a bearskin hat favoured by her majesty's foot soldiers.

That should see him through August.

THE FASHION

If Patrick wants to blend in with the good toonsfolk of Tyneside he should wear his Newcastle shirt at all times - even in the bath.

One bizarre fashion oddity he will have to get his head around is the colder it gets in Newcastle, the less clothing people seem to wear to go out in. And that's just the women.

THE LANDMARKS

Angel of the North
Kluivert will have a Guardian Angel

Kluivert has been around the block a bit, taking in some of Europe's finest sights along the way - from the windmills and canals of his homeland to the Magic Fountain and Gaudi's magnificent church, La Sagrada Familia, in Barcelona.

But all this will pale into insignficance once he feasts his eyes on the Tyne Bridge and the Angel of the North. Best not mention Cruddas Park, though.

THE NIGHTLIFE

There's one thing for certain you can say about Geordie folk - they sure know how to party.

Patrick will be spoilt for choice when it comes to wetting his whistle on a Saturday night.

HAVE YOUR SAY

He could begin his tour with a little boat trip - namely the Tuxedo Princess, a floating booze palace moored on the Tyne. It never actually goes anywhere but you might feel a little giddy by the time you get off.

Then there's the Ikon nightclub (bonus points for classy mis-spelling) which gets so packed you need a shoehorn to get out.

And finally, the legendary Bigg Market. Picture a street in Magaluf with everyone dressed for the beach - even though the temperature is below zero (see Fashion).

THE MUSIC

If Kluivert really wants to win over the locals he will be obliged to do a reworking of a traditional Geordie song, just like another of the city's famous sons.

Perhaps a collaboration with those Dutch dance legends 2-Unlimited - "Fog on the Tyne - Techno! Techno! Techno!" Marvellous.

THE LANGUAGE

Like most Europeans, Kluivert's command of the English language puts most of us to shame, but that won't do him any good up here. Our resident office Geordie has kindly provided us with the following translations:

Newcastle fan with beer belly
Get some Broon doon yer!

Howay pet de ya wanna come doon the toon for some scran?
Come on my darling - how would you like to take a journey into the city centre for a spot of lunch?

Keep ahaad, gan canny
Now mind you take good care of yourself - go carefully.

Giss a bottla Broon and quatter poonder sharpish, the Charvers are reet behind us
A bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale and one of your finest burgers please my good man - there's some ruffians in hot pursuit.

Diven't gan in the clarts!
Be careful not to step in the mud.

A caad neet, but there's nee snaa
It's a bit chilly this evening but thank heavens we haven't any snow.

Haddaway and s***e!
Good gracious, I don't believe you old chap!



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