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Last Updated: Thursday, 17 June, 2004, 12:24 GMT 13:24 UK
Heskey's 'plane useless'
Emile Heskey and Claude Makelele
Let him go!

An e-mail is doing the rounds inviting people to stump up the cash for Emile Heskey's air fare back to England.

The document, a spoof of internet auction site ebay, claims the sooner the Birmingham striker leaves Portugal the better.

Under the title 'Emile Heskey's Plane Ticket Home', the seller begs: "Please help me raise funds to send the dozy idiot home.

"It's no coincidence that we lost to France minutes after he replaced Wayne Rooney."

It concludes: "Hurry, we may not have long left before he's home anyway."

The seller claims to have attracted just one pledge of 99p for the ticket, but promises: "Any excess will fund a coach trip for David James."

To get him across the penalty area more speedily, one assumes.

France celebrate win over England
Not so fast, fellas...

Nil points for France

Another electronic tale reveals England could be in line to recoup the three points they threw away in the last two minutes of the France game.

The e-mail reads: It's just been reported that one of the French football players has failed a drugs and alcohol test after the match.

If this is confirmed as positive, under World Football Federation rules, paragraph 6 sub section 2e, France will forfeit their three points and they'll be appointed to their opponents, England.

There is then an instruction to: "Scroll down for the full transcript of this report", followed by a lengthy gap to the punchline at the bottom...

...Carlsberg don't send e-mails, but if they did, they'd probably be the best e-mails in the world.

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