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Last Updated: Tuesday, 31 August, 2004, 10:20 GMT 11:20 UK
Holmes sweet Holmes!

By Derek 'Robbo' Robson
The Tees mouth

Kelly Holmes
Kelly Holmes - greek goddess

Good Greek What A Good Olympics!

When the dust settles on the Athens Olympics - that is if dust ever settles in Athens - we'll be looking at a pretty good few weeks I reckon.

If we can get the whole shebang in London for 2012, I for one will be a happy chappy.

You can bet they'll be farming out the crap sports to the provinces, mind. I can just see the Olympic Inflatable Dinghy and Coracle Championship on the River Tees. Still, here's me thoughts on the one just gone....

Best Olympic Moment

Kelly Holmes' eyes popping out of her head as she crossed the line in the 800m. Followed by immediate self-doubt. Followed by joy and tears and all that stuff.

I know the Olympics are supposed to embrace all sorts of sports but, be honest, it doesn't really kick off till the running, the jumping and the chucking starts.

Worst Olympic Moment

Paula. Paula sitting on the kerb like she's been left at the railway station by a cruel Dad. Horrible. Maybe they should change the name of that hell-hole of a race to Snickers. Maybe she'd have won the Snickers.

Top Blubbering

Pinsent. Man Mountain in an avalanche of tears. I don't think men should cry in public, but then again, I've never been as tired as that man was. He's Britain's favourite toff. Good on 'im.

Maurice Greene
Oh dear, how sad - never mind

Most Enjoyable Failure

Maurice Greene. When a big mouth flops, you just want to punch the air with delight.

Him and his stupid prowl and his go-faster slaphead hairstyle. That Greatest Of All Time tattoo is going to hurt when he lasers it off.

Most Surprising Success

Well it has to be the Men's 4 x 100 relay. A bunch of under-achievers over-achieve! And I swear Mark Lewis-Francis' roaring celebration was aimed to the man two lanes to his right.

Maybe they should carry a baton when they run in the individual event from now on, just to remind themselves of what they are capable of.

Most Incomprehensible Sport

Gene Autry, star of Champion the Wonder Horse
It's not Champion the Wonder Horse you know!

The Modern Pentathlon. The whole thing seems fair enough to me until they get to the horsey bit. Then the poor saps get to sit on a horse that has hardly been five minutes off the prairie.

I mean, for God's sake, what's the point of swimming and shooting and fencing if you end up having your chances ruined by some nag who thinks he's Champion the Wonder Horse?! A nonsense.

Then again there's the rhythmic gymnastics. Flouncing about with a ribbon and a ball and a pair of clubs. Hell fire. Since when did a ballet class for four-year olds constitute a sport?

Dopiest Contribution

The judges. Who decides who's qualified to do that job? Whether it was the triple jump, the gymnastics, the canoeing or even the taekwondo (and what a joke that is - it's like watching two mad March hares going at it in crash helmets), the judges seemed to be on another planet.

Nowadays on the jumping events, they can measure how far behind the line the athletes take off from using a computer. So let the computer tell us how far the jump is.

Why have the bloody plasticine when all that means is some arthritic twerps get to wave flags around like some porter on a village steam railway? Still, if you need judges to decide who wins then the sport in question has some problems.

I mean why not make Crufts part of the Olympics? Or even the growing of leeks? (At least you'd have a guaranteed gold medallist from the North-East in that one.)

Sports to Go

Lets hope the Chinese takeaway the following from Beijing 2008:

Football - why is it there? No one wants it, especially the players.

Tennis - same again. Hey you averagely good millionaires! Fancy a medal?! Didn't think so.

Mini Clubman
A Mini Clubman - for those under 40

Synchronised Anything - They even have solo synchronised swimming you know. Who are they synchronising with exactly?

One more bunch of water babes mincing poolside, with the nose-clips making them look like a group of lycra-clad rodents, and I'll go mad.

Weightlifting - I've never liked this. First of all they need to stop loading the bar with heavy discs cos that doesn't mean owt to the average Joe.

Put a Mini Clubman on either side, well that's a different matter. "Crikey!" yells the crowd, "that bloke lifted two minis, and he's back to lift the two Allegros next."

Secondly, there seems to be a lot of competitors who are as familiar with the syringe as the clean and jerk. So let's send them off to the circus where these freaks belong, eh?

The Hosts

Well I've always loved the Greek hospitality. And they were grand here. Shame they had to go all defensive about Kenderis and the precious 200m (shame too that the bustiest athlete in the Games was winning a man's race).

But apart from that - and the rugby tackle in the marathon - they held a grand tournament. And if they can get everything finished in time, surely we can.

Go on, Rogge! Don't let the French have it.

Give us the Games!!!

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