Sir Alexcuses

By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees mouth

Fergie rues 'worst start'

Well the season is just a twinkle in Arsene Wenger's eye and already the Puce-Faced Knight is getting his excuses in early.

Apparently the squad sessions look like a scene from M*A*S*H, with several players Missing In Action 'til September.

Not to mention Archdunce Ferdinand (as Duran Duran might have put it: "His name is Rio when the next sample is planned, make sure the dimwit writes the time down on his hand").

Anyway, the rest of football could weep for you Old Traffordettes. If you want to know what it's like trying to scrape a team together you should ask Moyes, or Blackwell, or Adams (take your pick which one).

If it is going to be the worst start to a Premiership season that Man U have ever had, then I tell you, mate, I can't wait for it to begin.

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Twenty20 Visionaries

The Twenty 20 people have shown great vision

Well, the biff-bang-bosh version of cricket has been a mighty success.

It's a miracle really that the organisers of cricket have managed to come up with summat that people want to watch.

I was suspicious of it meself but it's just great entertainment from start to finish.

Of course cricket's new cash cow has county chairmen all over the country gripping on to its udders and pulling for dear life.

You can see the poor animal's going to be as dry as an Arabian beer tent in three years' time.

Unless they leave well alone and let us keep enjoying it. And let's not have these players bleating about playing the final and the semi-final on the same day. Get used to it. The fans have.

That's right, you county cricketers. You've got fans!

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Redgrave Spits on Spitz

Picking Mark would be the Spitz

I was glad to see Sir Steve Redgrave come out ahead of the rest as the BBC's Most Memorable Olympic Moment.

I'm always annoyed that Mark Spitz's gold medal haul strikes such awe into people. Not that Spitz didn't do well, it's just that swimming is designed to hand out as many medals as possible.

I don't see the point of all them strokes, meself.

If you win the 100 metres freestyle you can say you're the fastest swimmer in the world, right?

If you win the 100 metres breaststroke, you're the fastest swimmer in the world at going slowly. If you win the butterfly, then you're the fastest swimmer in the world whilst looking like you're drowning.

Then of course you've got the bloody medley, where you can chuck around some more metal at Americans and Australians. It's a nonsense.

I mean in athletics you don't have the 100 metres hop and the 200 metres bumshuffle.

So Spitz's seven looks good, but if I had my way they'd reduce the swimming to 100, 200, 400, 800, and 1500 metres and leave a bit of space for people who like to watch sport without breathing in that manky chlorine.

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Will the Real Vieira Stand Up?

'Maniche' shows how much he wants a week

Clearly big Pat is on his way out of Highbury. He's been a brilliant player there but I'd have thought he'd have the bottle to let the fans know what's up himself rather than leaving it all to the papers to guess.

Arsenal will be worse without him, but not that much worse.

If they can get Maniche (or is it Jim Carrey with a duff barnet?) and kids like Reyes, Pennant and Fabrigas (which is surely something you stick in your caravan so you can do your cooking on holiday) then they're not going to have much bother.

And I do hope that they, along with Boro and the Geordie Bottlers, can keep the Chelski tide at bay.

Have Your Say: Do you agree with Robbo?