Fatty old game

Yakin reports for training, possibly

You ate all the pies

Swiss midfielder Hakan Yakin has been told he is too fat to play for his new club, Paris St Germain.

Yakin, who signed from FC Basel, was given the stark assessment during his unveiling by the French club.

PSG boss Vahid Halilhodzic declared: "I'm expecting lots from him. Unfortunately, he is not quite right physically and will not be operational for at least three weeks.

"During the holidays, he has taken advantage of life and he has eaten well. His wife must be a good cook. But now he's got three kilos to lose."

Halilhodzic added: "We're going to set him a special training programme so he can get himself back in shape as soon as possible."

Yakin, 26, admitted: "I'm aware I've put on a bit of weight but I'm ready to work hard to get back in peak condition."

Let's hope he's got the stomach for the fight.

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Buy Butters

We've got change if you need it

Brighton defender Guy Butters has been put up for sale for a fiver.

The centre-back was slapped on the Acoot auction site by fed-up Seagulls fans, unhappy with his performances last season.

Butters had a £5 reserve price slapped on him, but unfortunately there have been no takers.

The spiel accompanying his lot reads: "For sale: One centre-half, king-size, as new, hardly used.

"In original condition, complete with large quantity of protective padding. Selling due to high maintenance costs - costs £2,000 a week new."

It cruelly continues: "Would suit Screwfix Western League team. Possible use as whale simulator for training Eskimo children to hunt."

Maybe he could join forces with Yakin and set up a burger bar instead.