By Chris Charles
Still making his mind up
I tell you what, this fella's not bad
Never mind the Champions League final, the biggest single event in the European calendar this year is taking place in Latvia.
Yes, it's the Eurovision Song contest, the camp-as-a-row-of-tents extravaganza that makes Wayne Sleep look like Wayne Rooney.
As Terry Wogan dusted off his syrup and Ireland collectively crossed fingers in the hope they didn't win again, plunging the country into financial ruin, you couldn't help but spot the sporting link among some past winners.
Who can forget Brotherhood of Man's Save All Your Kisses For Me - an anthem adopted by perennial tongue sticker-outer Henrik Larsson - recently voted the world's most kissable sportsman?
And what about Sandie Shaw's Puppet On A String
- Phil 'yes boss' Neal feat Graham Taylor. Then there's the delectable Dana International, the man desperate to be a woman - Robbie Savage, anyone?
Looking ahead to this year's song titles, there's more than one that could have been penned for one of our sporting idols to sing:
Could it be ta-ta, Tatu?
United Kingdom - Cry Baby:
This song is a duet in waiting for Arsene Wenger and Vijay Singh.
Even if Arsenal were to suffer the ignominy of relegation and a third round FA Cup exit at the hands of Billy Smart's Circus, Wenger would insist they were still the best team in the land.
Then there's Vijay, who like Georgie Porgie, ran away when the girls came out to play.
It could be TaTa Tatu if this pair ever got together.
Croatia - I Can't Be Your Lover
You can imagine Sven Goran-Eriksson crooning this to Ulrika Jonsson, as his unfeasibly high shoes sat outside the door waiting to take him back to Nancy.
Alternatively, it could be Peter Ridsdales's parting gesture to his beloved goldfish.
Oi - my mullet's better than yours!
Estonia - Eighties Coming Back
There's a few in the running to sing this little baby, not least darts ace Steve Beaton and boxing legend Roberto Duran Duran (ahem).
But there's only one man who can truly do it justice, and that's Gerry Francis.
The former QPR and Tottenham boss has been officially approached to lay down the vocals for this song. He says he'll mullet over.
Norway - I'm Not Afraid To Move On
No contest - this has got Jermain Defoe written all over it.
No sooner had he scraped the last piece of Premiership mud from the bottom of his boots than he was uttering the immortal words "I'm a striker, get me outta here."
Unfortunately for the young upstart, born-again tough guy Trevor Brooking has dug his heels in and insisted Defoe is going nowhere. Which is why he's the perfect man to sing Greece's entry...
Never Let You Go
Ukraine - Hasta La Vista
Step forward Big Ron Atkinson - you can almost hear the revised lyrics...
"I tell you what, little Scholesy's given Giggsy the little eyebrows at the second post early doors.
"It's a Hollywood ball, the defence were watching cartoons and he's drilled it in - Hasta La Vista!"
Latvia - Hello From Mars
Once again we have several takers for this little ditty from the home nation.
Yes, I am perfectly sane
Snooker star Quinten Hann - the man who put loose into cannon - and former Coventry 'keeper David Icke would both feel at home singing this loony tune.
But the honour must go to West Ham's legendary three sandwiches short of a picnic striker, Marco Boogers - the man who famously quit Upton Park to go and live in a caravan.
And if they are refused permission to rejoin the promised land of the Premiership, expect David James, Joe Cole and Defoe to swiftly follow suit.