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  Friday, 31 January, 2003, 09:26 GMT
Don't weep for Tel
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson on the situation at Leeds, American football, West Ham and Serena Williams.


Hello Robbo.

Hello, son.

Are you all right?

Not s' bad - I got a bit hammered last night, though.

So did I.

Well I needed a few because of Boro's home form. Our away form's bad enough, but once we start losing at home, we've had it.

I know, we've got a question on it later - but in the meantime there's this from Pete in the UK:

I must admit to feeling sorry for Terry Venables, even though I'm a Leeds fan.

Terry Venables
I'll be staying this long

We played well against Chelsea, only to lose to an own goal and a deflection - and then he finds out that Fowler is going to Man City and Woodgate to Newcastle.

At this rate, Tel'll be fielding the youth team by the end of the season.

Well I don't feel sorry for him at all. He must be rubbing his hands together after getting rid of that fat backsided, do-nothing Fowler.

He's always either at hospital or on the bench. And I don't see what's wrong with playing the youth team.

Leeds were good when they had their young players in - it's only since they brought in these show-boaters that they've had any trouble.

Go back to the youth team - that Milner looks all right - if there's any more like him, they're laughing.

Maybe, but if Woodgate goes, I reckon Terry might walk out.

Well you know what Tel's like, first sign of trouble and he'll walk away. He didn't have an excuse before, but now he has.

He walked out on Boro didn't he? Kept us up - well done for that - then walked out.

He's got a yacht somewhere off Ma-jaw-ca that he hasn't sat on for a while. He's missing it.

Have your say

OK, next up is Craig Hughes in the USA who says this:

I thought you might find it interesting to learn that a poll of America Online customers showed only 35% thought the best thing about the Superbowl was the actual game.

More than half believed the best reason to watch this slice of Americana was the adverts!

A pair of Superbowl cheerleaders
The cheerleaders are the best bit of American football

It is possible that the 20,000 people who responded just weren't "football" fans. Could it be that Americans are finally beginning to accept this "sport" is totally pony?

Pony? You'll know what that means, Chris.

It's rhyming slang, Robbo - pony and trap.

Oh right - I knew it was some old Cockney waffle. But I agree with Craig - my favourite bit is when the cheerleaders come on.

You can't blame people for preferring the adverts, particularly with all these peculiarities they have in the sport.

What is it with all these statistics which mean absolutely bog all?

The running back has run 10 times and gone a total of 25 yards. That means every time he gets the ball he runs 2.5 yards - it's like pushing a rock up a bloody hill.

What's the point of that? What sort of job is that for a grown man? It's just pathetic.

There's another man who comes on just to kick the ball. And he doesn't even kick it through the posts. He comes on to kick it back to them.

He's called a punter or something - that's his job!!!

How easy is that ?! For your entire working life you just come on, kick the ball - under no pressure whatsoever - to the other team and then come off again. And get paid loads of money for it!

Have your say

Now, Will Roberts from England has this to say: Shut up Robbo - you probably don't know anything about tennis.

It is a beautiful game and you just don't understand it, as it is too complicated for you and you are crap at it.

Serena Williams
Robbo is a big fan of Serena

Ooh! Anybody would think I was dissing his girlfriend or something.

Dissing, Robbo? That's a bit street-wise for you. Have you been hanging out with the kids?

Nah, I was up late drinking with me lad, Darren last night - he had a few of his mates around.

Anyway, as far as tennis goes, I don't like it that much. I think it's a bit girly. It's not very hard to understand, just not that interesting.

The only thing that's livened tennis up in recent years is Serena Williams' outfits.

I do have a bit of a thing about Serena. I think it's her cleavage, which is rare in women's sport. You don't get many cleavages pound for pound in women's sport.

Apart from that, I can't really be bothered with it. Again, they seem to do very little and get paid a lot of money for it.

Have your say

Finally, there's this from Jimmy the Dip.

Jimmy the Dip? What's he a bloody pickpocket?!

He's a West Ham fan.

Well he probably is a bloody pickpocket then.

Warren Mitchell as Alf Garnett
Alf Garnett would not be happy with the current situation

Anyway, Jimmy the Dip says: You're spot on about the West Ham situation, Robbo - Bobby Moore and Alf Garnett must be turning in their graves given the state of that defence.

Still, at least we haven't been beaten 5-2 at home by Villa - yet!

Oh, here we go - there was me thinking it was a question about West Ham and he goes and throws that in at the end.

We were robbed, anyway.

Robbed 5-2?

We were still in it with 10 minutes to go - and they were pretty crap even though they scored five.

Anyway, the reason why we lost was because Gareth Southgate was ill - and also because we're saving ourselves for Saturday, when we've got the Geordie bottlers at home.

We'll turn our whole season around come Saturday - don't you worry about that.

But yeah, West Ham actually winning the other night. Pigs must have been flying in a ghostly fashion over east London.

Now they're only third bottom and suddenly everything's looking rosy.

Yeah, we've got a West Ham fan in our office who went on Wednesday and he's now full of the joys of spring.

Oh I can imagine. Suddenly it's all blowing bubbles, Pearly Kings clicking their heels together, a special celebration meal of jellied eels. Marvellous.

Well I've told our Frankie it's a false dawn, but he's not having any of it.

It is a false dawn, you're going down, son - certainly if you keep chinless Roeder there.

The crooked spire of Chesterfield
QPR fans can see the crooked spire - if they go

What's happened to that man's neck? From his nose to his collarbone it's just one straight line. Maybe he had an anvil dropped on his head as a child.

Just before we go, one thing Jimmy the Dip did mention there about Bobby Moore and Alf Garnett turning in their graves - I didn't realise Alf Garnett was dead.

Well, no. I always thought he was a fictional character as well. But I suppose he could turn in his fictional grave, if indeed he was dead.

Well that just about wraps it up, Robbo. Good luck with the hangover - and good luck for Saturday.

And you - who have you got this weekend?

We're away at Chesterfield.

It's just a glorious tour of the country being a QPR fan isn't it? You get to go to all the best places.

Yeah, only I won't be going!

Oh well, you'll miss out on the chance to see the crooked spire. Never mind!

I can live with that. See you, Robbo.

Ta-ta, son. Have your say

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 ON THIS STORY
Derek 'Robbo' Robson
"He's got a yacht somewhere off Ma-jaw-ca that he hasn't sat on for a while"
Robbo's Rant

Feb frolics

Jan japes

Ashes special
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