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   Monday, 13 January, 2003, 13:06 GMT
Making a mug of the Cup
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek "Robbo" Robson on Farnborough switching their FA Cup tie, diving and Australian cricket. Click right to hear him ranting.

Hello Robbo.

Hello son.

Happy New Year to you.

And the same to you, lad.

What did you get up to?

I just got hammered. I can't remember much - it's weird.

Excellent. Moving on to the questions now - and the first one comes from Pete in the UK, who says: What's your take on the Arsenal-Farnborough fiasco?

Can you really blame them for wanting to hold the match on a ground where safety is guaranteed and they get bumper gate receipts?

Ya boo sucks to Sky for refusing to show the game unless it was held at the Aimita Stadium.

Dennis Bergkamp (left) and Robert Pires
Race you to the portaloo, Den

Well I don't like all this. I know what it's about - cash - but the draw is the draw is the draw.

We wanna see FA Cup fixtures of this sort because we wanna see Bergkamp and Pires and all them getting togged up in a portaloo, while the Farnborough yokels bash on the door.

We want to see people who are pampered and overpaid - your so-called superstars - playing in ratholes like the Aimita Stadium.

That's the whole point of the Cup. If you take that away then, well, you know.

All right, there's a bit of romance for the Farnborough lads, walking around the marble halls going "You know, I think this really is marble."

And I know they're going on about the capacity issue, but not everybody from north London's gonna go to Farnborough, it's a terrible place! I wouldn't be seen dead there.

And what about the fact that Sky aren't showing the match now?

Well I don't blame them. What they wanted was the spectacle of someone in the crowd grabbing Thierry Henry's shirt while he's trying to take a corner, saying "Y'all right Terry?".

They didn't wanna film another exhibition of slick passing from Arsenal as they coast to a 3-0 win without playing any of their first XI.

I wouldn't wanna watch that.

Have your say

Me neither, now Jase the Ace from Southport, who says this:

What a brilliant story about the diving governing board allowing 'top bombing' to be used in competion.

It's one of the best ads of last year - along with the "'Av it!" one - and should certainly make diving more interesting, even though the pros are unhappy about it.

Peter Kay in the John Smith's advert
We need more working class divers

Well I think these divers are very clever, but it just leaves me cold, a bit like juggling. Or like people standing on horses at the circus.

You think, "That's clever, I couldn't do that - but so what?"

I think introducing this bombing will liven things up a bit - it's like one of my dives. I reckon they should get more working class people involved - in fact you could have a working class section.

They should also introduce the belly flop, where you get points for the surface area of pink left on your body.

Or you could have the slip, bounce off your a**e and enter the water sideways, which is one of my specialities.

And are you a fan of the Peter Kay adverts?

Ai, I think they're canny - although the 'av it one, you know when he wellies it and it hits the roof, you can tell he hasn't really kicked it.

It's like when they have a drama on telly featuring someone playing snooker or pool. You can always tell they've fiddled it.

They never shoot from over the pocket to show someone potting a ball - because actors can't play snooker, or any sport in fact.

Have your say

OK. Finally Tim Coleman says: Yet again an English team celebrates a victory out of nothing (the 4-1 loss to the Aussies) is this to become a habit?

Well it is if we murder you like we did in the last Test. You can see how fragile they were without McGrath and Warne - the Aussies are on the way down.

Fred Trueman
By 2005 we'll have cloned Fred Trueman

Once those old men retire, who's going to take their place - Bichel? No fear. McGill? No fear.

Sri Lanka tonked them all over the place as well. It's falling to pieces for the Aussies. They'll be spanked all over the park, it'll be 1981 all over again.

Andy Flintoff will be two weeks away from full fitness in 2005 and we'll be raring to go!

We'll have cloned Freddie Trueman and Derek Underwood by then as well. We'll be quids in, no problem - bring it on!

And don't forget that little friendly against the Australian football team coming up at Upton Park.

Indeed - and finally a quick word on Lee Bowyer. Is it the right move?

Well he's gone back home hasn't he? Hopefully his friends, his lovely friends, are still there for him.

It gets him further away from Middlesbrough, that's what I'm pleased about.

OK Robbo, take care of yourself.

Ta-ta, son. Have your say

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 Derek 'Robbo' Robson
"We wanna see Bergkamp and Pires getting togged up in a portaloo"
Robbo's Rant

Feb frolics

Jan japes

Ashes special
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