British tennis gets rave review

By Tom Fordyce BBC Sport Online

So the Lawn Tennis Association has hired an ex-employee of the Ministry of Sound to head up its search for new players.

BBC Sport Online managed to get a sneak preview of the ways former nightclub hot-shot Rebecca Miskin is hoping to get Brits involved in tennis - and it made interesting reading...

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Lucky ladies

In a radical change, the LTA ditches Ladies' Day at Wimbledon and replaces it with Ladies' Night.

All ladies are let in for free, and there are drinks promotions in the Centre Court bar on pineapple Bacardi Breezers and Tia Lusso.

Male ball-boys are decked out in Lycra hot-pants and silver bow-ties and the public address system plays "I Will Survive" in the breaks between games.

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Ministry of Tennis: the album

With an eye on brand extension, the LTA release a double CD entitled, "Wimbledon: the Annual".

Disc One ("Having It") features a seamless mix of Monica Seles grunting, Lleyton Hewitt shouting and the mad-for-it screams of female supporters on Henman Hill.

Disc Two ("The Chillout Sessions") features the soothing sounds of grass growing on Court One, strawberries being doused with cream in the hospitality suite and Tim Henman carefully peeling a banana in the locker-room.

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Retro revival

Forget 70s nights - the 1980s are sooo now, darling.

The Stella Artois tournament announces plans to ditch the current crop of players and replace them with the stars of 1983, decked out in authentic Sergio Tacchini tracksuits and luminous yellow headbands.

The atmosphere at the tournament improves overnight.

The kids go tennis-crazy as Queen's Club rocks to the sound of Roscoe Tanner and Kevin Curren performing the Electric Boogaloo while Tim Mayotte raps the score over a sample of the bassline from Chic's "Good Times".

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Big name no-shows

Pre-publicity for the low-key Samsung Open in Nottingham boasts that world-famous stars Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras will play back-to-back five-hour sets.

There is also talk that the "Godfather of Modern Tennis", the legendary Rod Laver, will be dropping a few old-skool classics from back in the day.

The eager punters flock to the tournament - only to find that all three big names have pulled out at the last minute due to mysterious "scheduling mix-ups" and have been replaced by regular residents Barry Cowan and Arvind Parmar.

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Rocksteady beat

Realising that the Ministry's huge success at the start of the 1990s was based around the classic 120bpm rhythm, the LTA make radical changes to British tennis.

Players at Wimbledon are ordered to speed up their serves dramatically so that magic figure of 120bpm - balls per minute - is once again banging out over south London's mean streets.

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On the door

Wimbledon dispenses with its old policy of allowing fans to queue for hours outside the gates before being allowed in.

Instead entry is subject to a strict guest list, operated by four shaven-headed bruisers in bomber jackets who reserve the right to turn away anyone wearing the wrong sort of trousers.

Pretty girls can walk straight in by batting their eyelids at the doormen while anyone complaining about pushers-in are taken round the back for "a little word with Mr and Mrs Boot".