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   Monday, 9 December, 2002, 19:17 GMT
New balls, please
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson suggests England cricketers need a soft option and wonders why Paula Radliffe's husband is no cheshire cat.


The Curse of Oz

I hope all the new boys who've arrived in Oz have brought their own coffins. They're going to have to bury their reputations in something by the time they get home.

Jeremy Snape's the latest to come out the revolving door facing the way he came. Our boys are now officially more fragile than a flapjack.

We must campaign urgently for the game of cricket to be played with a tennis ball or we'll never have a team to put out again.

My brother's out in Oz at present having spent an all too brief time at the WACA - if he's packed his whites, he's a shoo-in.

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Chelsea on the Charge

Or Chelsea on the overcharge if you've ever tried to buy a Stamford Bridge season ticket.

Well the boys in blue are the talk of the Premiership right now. They've married all that continental flair with a resilience we never expected from the West End show-boaters.

Gianfranco Zola
Zola is bound to run out of puff soon
Aye, but for how long? Haven't we seen all this before?

Sooner or later, Zola's little old legs'll catch up with him and Jimmy Floyd will start looking at his bank balance and gazing longingly at his Spanish photo album.

The rest of them might get another overseas trip in the Champions League too. But the champagne and caviar will always catch up with the Kings Road ponces.

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Princess Paula

The average TV viewer is not as dumb as I thought.

My missus loves these popularity contests and was in tears when Ainslie joined Javine on the perimeters of pop. But Paula's victory was thoroughly deserved.

Mind, they keep trying to doll her up and make her a bit of a glamour puss and it's just not doing it for me, love.

All I can see when I look at you is your head lolling all over the place as you hack your way up a muddy hill in Northumberland.

Phwoarr doesn't come in to it. Mind, her hubby's a bit of a scowling misery-guts, isn't he?

He sat there with an expression that said, "Yeah, darling, well done but we've got 10 miles to do into the teeth of a Siberian gale before you can get tucked up in bed tonight."

Give us a grin, Gary, lad.

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Becks's back
David Beckham's next tattoo?
Is this next tattoo for the England skipper?

So now David's back has Romeo and Brooklyn tattooed on to it.

Now Becks will never forget his kids names - why all he has to do is look in the mirror when he teks his shirt off and there are - Oemor and Nylkoorb.

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Windows 2002

Terry Vulnerables can't wait. He's so desperate to get shot of Dacourt that he's going to be driving the taxi to Italy.

That's if Ridsdale hasn't pushed the Barrow Boy out of the transfer window first.

Never fear, Tel. Glenn Roeder will break your fall.

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Robbo's Rant

Feb frolics

Jan japes

Ashes special
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