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  Thursday, 28 November, 2002, 13:26 GMT
Robbo takes on Davo
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek "Robbo" Robson and resident Aussie Davo trade verbal blows over the Ashes. Listen to them slug it out by clicking on the right-hand side!

Well, Robbo, it's been a long time coming and it's an absolute pleasure to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you, son - and none of it's complimentary. I've heard you talk out the top of your hat, with the corks dangling off it.

That's rich coming from you. What have you got to say for yourself? You must have been drowning your sorrows after the Adelaide Test.

Well obviously it hasn't been too much fun watching it. It's been a bit of a debacle, but I think there's life in the old dog yet.

You lot must be masochists - it's not a game, it's a shame!

Fair play to you, your boys are very good, but we've been dead unlucky. It's all been about losing Goughie and Jonesy and Gilesy - and everyone who is playing is absolutely knacked.

Darren Gough receives treatment
We're half the team without Goughie

It won't be too long before we have the physio at third man - because we won't have anybody else. We've been at the thin edge of the wedge of sheer misfortune, lad.

My heart bleeds for you - I suppose if Pigeon had dropped that catch in Adelaide you would have been 2-0 up already!

Well, small things turn games. I couldn't believe McGrath's swallow dive on the boundary. Who'd have thought that big, lanky la-la would have caught that?

I think he just got lucky there. I don't think I've ever seen McGrath hold a catch before.

Maybe he's a real pigeon masquerading as a mean fast bowler.

Well I tell you one thing, Davo - if McGrath or Warne went down, you wouldn't be half the outfit.

Same as us - we're half the outfit without Goughie. I mean what would you do if you lost McGrath?

We'd bring in Goughie. He must have Australian blood because he's taken more than 200 Test wickets.

Well I tell you what, he comes from near me, not that you lot know your geography - and when you do come back over here, it'll be a different story.

If McGrath were English, what would he be, Robbo?

I don't know, Davo.

And here comes McGrath from the clouds

An all-rounder! On a positive note, this has to be the most financially profitable series of all time for England.

Has it?

It has indeed - they've only had to book three days for each hotel they've stayed in. The pennies must be adding up.


Fair point - but I tell you what, it's only a matter of time before our boys start to pick up and get alongside you. I know I'm clutching at straws...

Well, to be fair I'd say Michael Vaughan's a good straw to clutch at, Robbo. He's been pretty good so far.

I think Vaughany's been absolutely magic. What a majestic innings, especially considering he twisted his knee. To be fair, he's probably the only lad who'd walk into your team at the moment.

I agree with Justin Langer - the boy should have walked last week.

Ah get away, man. I know for a fact Justin Langer would not have walked himself. If you've got a chance to stay out in the middle, tek it - tek it every time.

Mate, there's three things certain in this life - death, taxes and an Australian walking when he's out. Us Aussies never lie and we always walk.

How can you say the Aussies are all honourable, upstanding people when you look at where they came from in the first place?!

Oh mate, not the old convo chestnut.

Well you didn't just become honest because someone took the chains off as you got off the boat.

We learnt the errors of our ways.

Did you? Well listen, we learnt the errors of your ways and we're playing the game the same way you are now.

Right, where's the furniture?

OK, well what about Merv Hughes' comments that Nasser Hussain should step down as captain?

The man's in his thirties now, he's just had a new baby - where's his priorities? He shouldn't still be chasing a leather ball around - he should retire!

Well I think that's a very old-fashioned point of view. The rest of the side should have rallied around to welcome him back to the fold with a decent performance.

But no, they fall apart like a bunch of flat-pack furniture put together by a gibbon. It's just pathetic.


So it's up to them to pull themselves together, not Nasser. He's made a couple of dodgy decisions, but generally he's been all right.

Well I disagreee, I can imagine the whole of your country let out a collective groan when they heard his new-born was a boy.

Imagine that in a few years' time - another Hussain playing for England!

I don't mind that. We can have a team of Hussains - as long as one of them's not Saddam! Although, actually, he'd probably make a decent opening bat when you think about it.

Most of the England players have still got the stromach for a fight. I'll tell you the ones that haven't - bloody White and bloody Caddick.

And where are they from? Your neck of the bloody woods.

We shouldn't be picking up grubby seconds from the Antipodes - we should be picking our own fellas. And that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Well we've been talking for a while now, Robbo, and you haven't even mentioned the rugby.

Merv Hughes
Hughes a silly boy, then?

I didn't want to rub it in, but there are still some sports in which we can conquer you - and not just rowing.

All I can say mate is Upton Park, February 12, Australia-England in the football and we'll have you then as well.

Well, I'd like to see it. Kewell and Viduka are the biggest jessies you'll ever see up front.

Nah, we'll whoop you 5-0 in the Ashes and then we'll make it 6-0 in the footie.

No chance. You can leave the mother country, but you can't beat the mother country at the mother country's game.

OK, see you then Robbo.

Ta-ta, son.


Robbo and Davo
"We can have a team of Hussains - as long as one of them's not Saddam!"
Robbo's Rant

Feb frolics

Jan japes

Ashes special
Links to more Funny Old Game stories are at the foot of the page.

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