Hand over the Ashes!

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson says we should give Australia the original Ashes because it is the worst sports trophy in the world.

Hello Robbo.

Hello son, how are you?

Not so bad - it's still a bit echoey at your place.

I know. We went away and thought the painters and decorators would have it all done by the time we got back.

As it turns out there's no sign of them and the TV and video are missing.

Oh no.

Ai. There's no chartreuse on the walls and there's nothing to watch of an evening. It's disgraceful.

I sympathise with Paula's husband. It's very disappointing when your lass lets you down

  Derek 'Robbo' Robson

Can't you go round to your mate's house?

Well I do anyway, obviously. Especially when the wife's in a mood like this.

We'll rent another TV, but the whole thing's very disappointing, particularly having been on holiday to Scotland which is always a bit of a disappointment.

Anyway enough of that - let's talk sport.

OK, the first e-mail this week follows on from your praise of Jonathan Edwards. It's been sent in by Andy Edwards - not sure if he's a relation.

He says: God Bless you Jonathan. He didn't compete on Sundays for years and missed out on a few championships here and there as a result, but my, isn't it all paying off now?

Was it me or was his foot over the white line on his skip? Still, about time a Briton won something in Edmonton. I dont stay up till the early hours so I can see us finish fourth or fifth.

What's he saying about the white line and the skip? There's no white line for the skip, son, that's for the hop. You can skip and jump anywhere.

I must admit, I thought he deviated a bit initially, but looking at it again, he was definitely inside the line.

Yeah, let's not quibble, for goodness sake.

I don't know why they bother with foul jumps, now they've got those fancy machines that can measure how far behind the board you are.

Sometimes people jump 10 metres, but they were 37 metres behind the board and they don't add it on.

Madness.

Now they've got technology they should use it - and I never thought I'd hear those words come out of my mouth.

Going back to the point, I must admit I set the alarm for half four this morning to watch the 200m final...

What happened? I didn't catch the result.

Er, Christian Malcolm came in fifth.

Oh, bloody nora! I agree with the lad when he says you don't want to see people coming in fourth or fifth - I mean did you see Radcliffe and her husband?

That was good - took me back that did, kids, parents, sports days, you know.

I remember doing the three-legged race with my missus, it was terrible, she couldn't even keep up with us.

Unhappy couple: Paula Radcliffe and her husband

Dragging her behind me I was, saying "come on!". I pulled her across the line, but we still finished last. It wasn't my fault, though.

The lad Darren he was very upset with her.

So I sympathise with Paula's husband. It's very disappointing when your lass lets you down.

The thing is, she runs along and you think: "Oh, Paula!"

She's knackered already and there's these Ethiopians kind of floating around the track and they haven't even broken sweat. Poor lass.

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Poor lass indeed. Moving on to cricket now and Nick from Mauritius says: When England win the last test to make it 4-1, everyone will be happy...

Well I won't!

He adds that we should then insist on all England players having a proven record and suggests the following team:

Boycott (just for a bit of fun), Atherton, Ramps, Hick, Robbo..

Oh yes! That's perfect for me, coming in at number five.

...Botham (as he is living in 1981), Downton, Such, Lewis (if fit), Fraser (deserves a recall) and Mallender.

Mallender!

'The Ghost' I think they used to call him.

That's right, the man with the drip, drip nose. He always had a hanky with him, always wiping his nose. Strange lad.

It's an interesting side, but it's a bit old-fashioned. I mean obviously I'm pretty set there, I think that's a good choice, but the rest of them you can take or leave.

Did you see the Roses match? Isn't it ironic - Craig White's likely to be dropped by England because he's been so appalling and he goes and lashes 170-odd.

It just goes to show you how crap county cricket is when these lads who can barely hold a bat at Test match level do that.

Mind you he was batting against Schofield and Flintoff and Chadwell and people who are supposed to be England bowlers. He's a crap batsman and he managed to wallop them all over the place. What's going on?

It's a bit of a different proposition when you're facing up to the likes of Glenn McGrath.

I know - why can't they just go home now?!

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Still on the subject of cricket, here's an e-mail from Adrian Brooks. He admits: OK so my pre-Ashes optimism has proved misguided (a bit like some of the shots played by our batsmen)!

Is this really what we're fighting for?

I think the Aussies should be allowed to take the real Ashes urn home with them, they deserve it...then we can start from scratch by making new Ashes after cremating Ramprakash's bat!!

I was going to suggest cremating the team but I can't bring myself to be that unkind...maybe after it goes 5-0 !

Yeah that is an unkind comment, to cremate the whole team, when they're already dead. They were dead and buried a long time ago.

Well, they can have The Ashes. Isn't that the most embarrassing trophy in world sport?

The winning captain, who is inevitably an Australian, holds up this tiny thing. It's pathetic!

It looks like Blue Peter have been encouraged to try and get kids interested in cricket so they've done a Devise a Cricket Trophy competition for under fives and this is what they've picked out.

A two inch high egg cup with a bit of crap inside it.

I don't care about the tradition. Let's have a proper trophy that somebody can hold above his head with a bit of pride.

We'll burn all the England cricketers bats and fill it up with a load of ashes. Maybe we could cremate the team as well, if that's not going too far.

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There you go, Adrian, you've got Robbo on your side.

Now, with the football season almost upon us, Paul Donovan wants to know what your predictions are for the Premiership, the cups and the European trophies - and who's going to go down?

Well as usual, people are on tenterhooks to find out what I'm about to say, because I'm invariably wrong!

I think the League will be won by Liverpool - and I say that because if Ferguson wins it in his last season it would just be awful.

Come on, Bryan, let's leave it to McLaren

It would be fantastic to see his face looking like a smacked haddock when they lose.

The FA Cup will be won by Middlesbrough. I say that every season and it would be bad luck to change me mind now.

The Worthington Cup? Rushden & Diamonds.

Rushden & Diamonds?!.

Well, they've just been promoted and the winners seem to get lower and lower in the pecking order.

The European Cup will be won by Real Madrid and going down will be Everton, Bolton and West Ham.

West Ham definitely. They're a shambles now, in that kind of East End shambling way. Like a bunch of market stall holders trying to run a football club.

It does seem that every 10 seasons or so they'll go down for a couple of seasons before bouncing back.

Yes, it's time to go back down again - and once again they'll be playing the most fluent football in the First Division.

And of course QPR will be rampaging their way towards the Second Division title. Ho ho.

No, I think they will, I think they'll be back the, er, Mighty Hoops - is that what you call them?

Superhoops!

Oh I'm sorry. Sound like they've been canned already don't they?

But anyway, they are my predictions, Paul. If you put a fiver on each one of them you'll be a rich man.

What about Boro's chances in the League?

Well, I think we'll be in Europe and in five years time we'll be conquering it in a way Hitler could only have dreamed of.

It is starting to take shape there though, with Southgate and Ehiogu and the two young boys from United coming over.

Yes, I'm looking forward to the new season, I think we'll have some success now old Bryan has finally gone.

We'll finish top five in the Premiership, win the FA Cup, have a good run in the Worthington, we'll gain respect throughout the country, we'll be a club to fear and it'll all be marvellous.

The sun will shine on the transporter bridge in Middlesbrough and everybody will be happy.

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Er right, moving on next to Shankar from Germany, who states: I saw your article on Lance Armstrong having just 3% body fat, guess who came to my mind? Gazza!! Whatever happened to him?

And which way's the canteen again?

Well I'll tell you what happened to Gazza. He was a perfectly normal-sized gentleman who shed more tears than pounds in his football career.

He managed to eat Middlesbrough out of house and home recemtly and now he's a fit and rather feeble second team player at Goodison Park, that's what's happened to him.

Right there's your answer, Shankar.

There you are. Don't go to the East End of London, Shankar - rhyming slang and all that!

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Finally, it's your old mate Chris Jose.

Oh, Chris Jose - if that is your real name!

He says: Robbo, Thanks for the advice on the woman and football front. You'll be pleased to know I posted her P45 in the post, she's been sent packing mate.

Doesn't support a football team, who does she think she is, that new Sports Minister?

Good joke that, because we don't think he does, do we, that Mr Caborn? Is it Cay-born, Cer-born, unborn....?

Chris! It sounds like you've made a very bold and good decision there, but don't throw the baby out with the bath water every time, son.

I mean you could be a fine looking individual, but given the fact that you're always online and get romantic advice from an overweight, middle-aged sporting genius, I would suggest that maybe you can't afford to be that picky.

Cast your net wide, cast it deep and if they don't support a football team give it a couple of months, that's what I'd say.

Well there you go, Chris, you can't get better advice than that.

No, you can't. Anyway I've got some more painters and decorators coming round so I'll say ta-ta. Hopefully this lot won't nick anything.

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