Jonathan's leap of faith

BBBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson is bowled over by 'Flying Christian' Jonathan Edwards, but has scathing words for England's cricketers.

Taking the Low Road

The missus and me are up in Scotland with the caravan - always a pleasure to be in this country which is a grand place to look at.

However, got to Edinburgh only to be swallowed up by a mass of ponces jumping about and shouting.

There's only one thing more depressing than happening across a bunch of loveys - and that's having the little bleeders beg you to come and see their rubbishy show. Go and get a proper job, you tarts.

The missus and I were so distressed we nearly popped over to see Hearts or Hibs but then we thought we'd wait until this weekend, go down the Riverside and watch some football.

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The Flying Christian

Jonathan Edwards: Three steps to heaven

17.92 metres. That's longer than my house and we've got quite a long hall. The lad must have special floaty boots and bolts of iron in his knees.

I know it's a daft event but it doesn't half look good when a God-bothering Brit bounds along like some giant grey-haired flea. Edwards you're a little marvel!

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Denise Demise

Suddenly Britain's golden Girl is a terrible slacker and should be in Edmonton, especially now that French lass can't shot putt properly - how difficult can it be to stay in a little circle?

Yes, Denise was talented, beautiful and not afraid to get her kit off and have it covered in paint.

Personally she's not my cup of tea - the only six pack a lass should have is the one she's bringing from Safeways for me tea.

Nevertheless, lay off the poor girl - she deserves a few bevvies of a night after what she's done. She'll be back.

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Ashes in Ashes

Atherton - terrible captain, no ideas, his body language yells at the opposition 'err, um, derrr!'

Trescothick - thank God! why wasn't he skipper?

Butcher - done better than I thought, but isn't he Stewart's brother-in-law?

Ramprakash - Great technique allied to naked fear do not a batsman make. For pity's sake send him back to the Oval and never let him out OR get Rodney Marsh to take him on a bender.

You've had a good innings, Alec

Stewart - well, I'd let him out to pasture. He deserves it, poor bugger.

Ward - why?

White - think rhyming slang.

Tudor - pick him again before the arthritis kicks in!

Croft - less dangerous than a mouse in oven gloves.

Caddick - pin your ears back and run in hard!

Gough - can't bring myself to criticize Gough, but he has been crap.

So what to do? Nowt. This has been a David and Goliath contest, only in this case David is still in his nappy and couldn't even begin to think up the idea of the sling. Sad.

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