Swim when you're winning!

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson says swimming is the most boring sport in the world, but he's still glad Britain won gold.

Click on the box on the left hand side to hear Robbo rant!

Afternoon, Robbo.

Afternoon, son, how are you?

Very well, thanks. What have you been up to?

Oh the usual, you know. Sitting around the house.

It's tough at the top. Anyway, we've got another bulging postbag this week - most of it from Australia.

Oh, for goodness sake!

Well the first one actually comes from Kelly in Liverpool, who's celebrating a rare victory over the Australians.

She says: At last, we've beaten the Aussies at something! That'll teach them for being cocky and jumping in the pool too early!

Butterfly - what sort of stroke is that?!

And with the Americans disqualified as well,and the Germans finishing behind us it was a dream day!

Well you're not wrong there little Scouse lass, that was fantastic wasn't it?

Clearly we didn't really beat them, but we'll take it. The Yanks and the Aussies can eat our chlorinated water.

We were only given it because everybody's sick of the Yanks and the Aussies winning everything, but we'll take it.

And do you know, I can't stand swimming. I hate it. It's such a boring event.

To be honest, I didn't know it had happened until someone told me, but I still went 'Wahey! Yes! We've beaten them'.

But seriously, what is the point in doing all those different strokes? What's that about?

Surely if you're having a race it should be everybody in and the first to the other side wins - not first to the other side in a very particular way.

If you were running the 100m you wouldn't say, rights it's running backwards now, then on one leg.

As for butterfly, who invented that? It's like a stroke invented by people who can't swim!

It's the hundred metre panic, it's rubbish.

Yeah, I don't know why it's called the butterfly, the shape I suppose, but it's certainly not very gentile.

No, it's more like porpoise with damaged side.

OK, moving on to the first of this week's Aussies, whose name is Mike.

He says: So everyone knows you poor poms can't beat us at anything, and now the best you've got is to say we have the ugliest team of all time.

With your team boasting the unphotogenic melons of Atherton, Hussain, Thorpe and Butcher, don't you think you should get back to complaining about the umpires ?

Well for a start the umpires are better looking than the team we're playing.

I think my point still holds water. If you went through the two elevens and gave them marks out of 10 for ugliness, clearly Butcher would be quite high and Atherton would be quite high.

But if you've got Gillespie, Gilchrist and the Waugh twins, that's 40 points straight off the bat.

Now I wouldn't say he was ugly, but..

They are frighteningly ugly men, particularly the 'musteline' Gilchrist - thank you to all the people who've written in and helped me out with that word.

It makes it all the more galling when we keep putting him down. You want an ugly face like that off the pitch as quickly as possible.

He actually looks a bit like a mongoose as well, so if anyone knows any words to describe that, please send them in.

It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a good player.

Exactly. That's the problem, not only is he ugly but he's good, so he stands out there longer than necessary. Thank God he wears a helmet most of the time.

Right, we'll save the other two Aussie e-mails until last - we don't to get you geed up too early!

Here's a quick one from Tom Easton in England. He says: Aren't all golfers boring? I mean Colin Montgomerie is supposed to be a character of the game, yet is nothing but a dour Scot.

Well, Montgomerie is only supposed to be a character because he's not won anything, which is kind of a British trait.

The more you hang around and don't quite make it, the more you become a character.

Like Jimmy White.

Poor Jimmy.

Yeah, poor Jimmy. There's lots of reasons why Jimmy White has never won the world title and none of them have anything to do with snooker.

But you're right, Tom, Monty is a very dour character, he's got no sense of humour and he's dull to watch.

In fact they're all boring, not like the old days.

You had Lee Trevino, he was a character, there was John Daly when he was p****d all the time, Ballesteros was a character because he tended to play off the wrong fairway...

Anyone can play like the Brazilians

But the one I liked best was a Korean golfer in the seventies called Mr Lu.

I just remember him because that's what I usually say when I come out of the bathroom.

Now, Colin in London says: Robbo. With Brazil losing in the Copa America, do you agree it would be wonderful if they also failed to qualify for the World Cup?

We'd then be spared all those annoying grovelling comments from so-called experts about how wonderful Brazil are and that the World Cup doesn't start properly until Brazil's first game.... YAWN!

Well done, Colin! That's the first intelligent comment we've had from anybody e-mailing this bloody site.

That is spot on. Brazil have been as boring as sin for the last three World Cups.

But you still have people purring away when Rivaldo does a little flick - 'Oh, that was so typically Brazilian'. As if we can't all do that in the park of a Sunday.

It's rubbish all this myth making. You know, the mothers put their little bambinos on the Copa Cabana beach, they can't walk yet, but they can do half an hour of keepie-uppies.

It's absolute nonsense. Well done, Colin. Samba football, my a***!

Moving onto the last two e-mails and, surprise, surprise, they're both from Australia.

The first one is Michael D, who says: Your cricket team is tripe. Your rugby team is tripe.Your swimmers are tripe. Your football team is absolute tripe, and would struggle against Australia.

Despite the fact that I don't really have one, I'll take a convict past and a low dollar over that bundle of misery any day. Enjoy the third Test. Ooh dear. I've got under his skin. I suspect the D stands for Dukakas, or something Greek, that's why he hasn't given his full name because I'd have a go at him for not being a real Australian.

The swimmers aren't tripe, unless you mean they don't jump into the water too early.

But he's right, the cricket team's crap, the rugby team's crap, the swimmers aren't that good and the football team's not much better than yours.

So you can keep your convict past, keep your little pyjamas with the arrows on that your great great grandfather handed down. I don't know what a low dollar is - and I don't frankly care.

Well finally we have Jeff Reeves.

Is he from Australia?

Yes, he's from Australia. We might as well just move the site over there.

Anyway, he says: I just loved Robbo's comments about us Aussies and our convict past.

Go on, Tuffers!

But just think, if the British ruling classes had come to Oz all those years ago and kept the convicts in Britain, Australia would be the country always losing and the UK could rightfully call itself Great Britain.

Well yes, that's a very interesting point. But you seem to be insinuating (if I can use such a long word, Jeff) that I had something to do with the British ruling classes.

Do you really think somebody like me has ever had anything to do with the ruling classes, who incidentally were the real criminals anyway?

Do you think any of my ancestors would really have sent the greatest gene pool in the history of the world overseas?

No! We'd have kept you here. It's not my fault that we're not Great Britain, we're P*** Poor Britain.

Actually, I think we need to draw a line under this now, Chris, don't we really?

Yeah, I think you're right, Robbo.

I've started a kind of verbal assault on them and carried it on for about three months, yet they're holding all the trump cards because they're better than us!

We'll draw a line under it until we win the third Test, because I understand Tuffers is coming back.

He smokes, he drinks, he takes wickets - come on Tufnell!

OK then Jeff, that answers that one, we'll call it a truce for now.

Yep, we'll call it a truce until the third Test and when we beat you by eight wickets I'll start crowing again.

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Look out for Robbo's weekly column every Monday and remember, Robbo will be back on Friday to give his usual no-nonsense response.