Shady Duval is too shy

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson finally has something good to say about rugby union after the Lions' win.

Dreary Duval

Hands up who thought a Brit or a Swede was going to win the Open? Me too.

But no, another Yank - and to make things worse, a Yank who thinks a pair of weird sunglasses makes a personality.

Top sportsmen are hardly ever top talkers but Duval makes Faldo sound like Peter bloody Ustinov. Put the shades back on before you disappear.

---

Monday - Cricket's Cancelled

Shady character - David Duval

This is now what MCC stands for. Poor Channel 4 - how many more pathetic Westerns and re-runs of very old Countdowns can they have left for their Monday schedules?

I can tell it's really beginning to get under my skin when I can content meself with the knowledge that this Australian side is probably the ugliest ever to come over here.

Can somebody email me with the word that means weasel-like so I can use it constantly to describe Gilchrist? In the meantime, bring on Bangladesh - and soon.

---

Put Some Weight On

Someone told me that Lance Armstrong has only 3% fat. The rest of him is bone and muscle - and he's not exactly Schwarzenegger is he?

I suppose it's inevitable what with him riding up hill and down dale all day long.

But if I went to the doctor (and there's no chance of that cos I don't trust 'em and never have) and he said 'Derek, you've got 3% body fat', I'd rush out to the nearest caff and order the full English times three!

If the good Lord had meant us to have no fat he wouldn't have created the vanilla slice.

---

Woozy Caddie

Miles Byrne - if you're up for a game of cards you know how to get in touch - there's only 13 clubs in a deck by the way, son.

Mind you, Woosnam is not going to sack his dopey bagman - which I think is sensible as there's no way the lad is going to do it again.

That's another fine mess you've gotten me into

Having said that, the pint-sized Welshman is a bit wide of the mark when he said the caddie committed 'the ultimate sin'.

He left an extra driver in the bag, Woosie - he wasn't giving your missus mouth to mouth while you were trying out your woods.

---

Time for a Change

Our first and second change bowlers need to be changed.

Cork is like an irritating little fly for the Aussies to swat around and Craig White must be the first man in history to shave his head and actually look less frightening.

Replace with Silverwood and Tudor at once. As for Denis Lillee's advice regarding Stewart - well I do think we ought to drop him 'n' all, but I'm fed up of Messrs Lawson, Marsh, Lillee and Thomson telling us what's up with our game.

We're not stupid you know. We KNOW it's crap.

---

Alliss In Grumble land

I used to think Peter Alliss was a chubby, jolly man who just couldn't get over how much fun the game of golf was.

Strange how he's turned into the Eeyore of golf - aye, me mum did read to us when we were little and posh books and all.

According to Alliss, no-one really wins anything anymore - the other players just hand it to them.

Can we have more of the old chirpy Uncle Peter please? A bit more Tigger and less Eeyore in other words.

---