Stop whingeing, Poms!

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson says ex-Pats getting ribbed in Australia should stop moaning and come home.

Click on the box on the left hand side to hear Robbo rant!

Hello Robbo how are you?

Not bad, son, bearing up.

Bit of sport on telly for you.

Oh yes, just keep flicking - one to the other, one to the other. It's marvellous being unemployed sometimes.

Oh well, football season soon mate, that'll keep you busy.

Yeah, that's what we're all waiting for really.

OK, first e-mail today comes from Ryan in New Zealand, who says: Interesting to see your comments about the French and cycling.

I'm more perplexed as to why 22 skinny Englishmen dressed in silky clothing kick a ball up and down a field for an hour and a half.

This game is apparently watched by millions, but they are generally so unhappy with it that win or lose they have to beat each other up afterwards.

Well that's what we do for fun in civilised countries.

Thin footballers are hard to come by

I don't know what you do for fun in New Zealand, although rumour has it there are lots of things that go on over there when the night falls.

Silky clothing, eh? If you were running around the field in silky clothing, you wouldn't stink as much as you do wearing a football kit.

They do stink, don't they? Twenty minutes in and you feel....awww.

They certainly stink if you're as unfit as I am, sweating buckets.

Me too - you suddenly feel like you're 15 and your hormones are bursting out all over again. Terrible.

Any road, yes it is a silly game, but I can't remember the last time I saw 22 skinny Englishmen playing it though.

I've always thought football was an odd game - I mean it was started by some bloke blowing up a pig's bladder.

Yeah, why did he do that?

Yeah, what was going on in hishead?!

He'd probably been blowing up all sorts of parts of a pig and then eschewed by the rest of the village for being the 'pig-using pervert'.

Then all of a sudden he blows up a bladder and they think 'hang on a minute, that's not a bad idea, Tony'.

But I don't want to go on about the French and how odd they are and how they have cycling races going on past their front doors.

Mind you I suppose that's a good thing - I can't think of any major sporting events that go past my front door, unless Newcastle are playing at the Riverside and then you don't know where everyone's going to end up.

OK, the next one comes from Australia - there's quite an Antipodean feel this week..

Oh dear.

It's from John Burnett, who says: Give me the Tour de France over cricket any time. As a Pom in Australia the mere mention of cricket or Ashes makes me cringe with sheer embarassment.

Well come home, then!

This is not the first man, is it, who complains about how difficult it is being an ex-Pat in Australia? Just come home and stop moaning.

If you go into a quiet pub in Britain, nobody's gonna turn round and give you grief - well, the barman might actually. But everyone else is going to ignore you.

If you came back here you could share your woes with others, but if you will insist on going to a country where they're better than us at everything - except rowing - you're bound to get some stick.

So, you know, it's your lookout, son.

Well there you go, John. OK, well this next one's not from an ex-pat in Australia, it's from Sally, 'proud to be Australian', in Australia

Oh God in heaven above!

She says: It is completely obvious that you know absolutely nothing about our country at all.

Have you checked your family tree lately?

Whenever we are successful in one way or another it seems to get under your skin. So you play it down and find some way to criticise us.

The lass has obviously got no sense of humour. And the Aussies don't have a sense of humour, do they? They don't like the mother country taking the mickey out of them.

As a nation they're all trying desperately hard to hide from their convict past!

I bet no Australians ever go home and think 'I know what I'll do, I'll go home and compile my family tree' - because they know that five generations back they'll find someone worse than Jeffrey Archer.

We all sent them there in the first place because we thought it was a God-forsaken hole. We didn't think that living by the sea would be all right.

So I'm sorry, love. I'm sure you're very attractive and tanned and everything, but there it is - you'll never escape your convict past!

There you are, Sally, sorry about that! Moving swiftly on and Richard from the UK says: The only reason England's middle order is from Surrey is because Michael Vaughan (Yorkshire) and Nasser Hussain (Essex) are both injured.

Bring them back and the middle order looks different. P.S. Silverwood should have been playing.

Well thanks very much Richard for saying if you took two batsmen out and brought two more in, it'd be different!

Do you know, I painted the wall in the bedroom this week, Chris, and it looked different afterwards - because before it was a different colour.

Amazing that, Robbo.

All I was saying was they don't seem to want to look beyond Surrey and Middlesex, or beyond people that have failed - in Ramprakash's case again and again.

It'll be Hick back next and...oh dear. They did the same with Gatting, brough him back for eight Test matches and he'd fail and fail again.

Then Randall would come in, usually playing out of position in the order, and do brilliantly. But they'd still leave him behind when they went on tour.

And you know why? Because Gatting was at Lord's every day of the week and Randall was a little Northern oik.

I hear rumours that Goughie was coming to Surrey - now if that happens I'll just pack in watching cricket altogether.

And what about Silverwood?

Well I said before that he should have been playing instead of Cork, who seems to be getting slower and slower.

I think they just put him in to rile the Australians.

Well yeah, he is irritating, but you could just have him as 12th man and get him to knock on the door of the Australian dressing room now and again.

I think perhaps they should have you there doing that, Robbo - fancy it?

Well yes, when they go to Headingley, I'll take some banners saying 'You'll Never Escape Your Convict Past' and things like that.

Well we'll see if we can sort something out. Final one today is a bit of a insult I'm afraid.

This comes from Mani in England and he says: I think Robbo's comments regarding Aston Villa are laughable.

Villa have a wealth of young, talented players and have also plucked players from the unknown and made them great.

Personally I think 'Robbo' Robson is a fool who doesn't have a clue, he is obviously a Man U fan who is shaking in his boots at the thought of the new season. Up the Villa!

Now Mani, you know very well that I am not a Man U fan. That's a very hurtful insult, but I'm prepared to gloss over it.

So how did he manage to stand up?

Now, if you've got a wealth of young, talented players, I've got a few questions for you; a) where are they? b) who are these players they've plucked...I can think of Dalian Atkinson...

Dwight Yorke.

Well maybe, I mean you could go back to Brian Little or somebody like that.

Gordon Cowans.

Gordon Cowans - 'Bambi'. I don't know how he ever stood up - he always looked like he was about to fall down.

I'll stick to what I said - Up The Villa, indeed Mani.

He was one of several Villa fans who wrote in.

Well they're bound to complain because I had a go at their team, but I think I was justified - I mean they're not even under-achievers, they haven't achieved anything.

I think Villa have got this complex that because they've got a nice stadium they should be good - a bit like Wolves.

Just pipe down till you've won something.

And before anyone has a go back at me and says Boro aren't much cop, I've already covered that.

No, they're not.

OK Robbo, I think that wraps it up. Bye

Ta-ta, son.

---

Look out for Robbo's weekly column every Monday and remember, Robbo will be back on Friday to give his usual no-nonsense response.