It's time for Tuffers!

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson thinks Stuart Pearce is becoming a comic book character and fears the Aussies will win everything this summer.

Click on the box on the left hand side to hear Robbo rant!

Hello Robbo!

Hello son!

What have you been up to?

Ah well, this and that, you know. I've been thoroughly enjoying avoiding the tennis!

I gathered from your column you're not a huge fan.

Well it gets reasonably interesting towards the end, but not at the moment.

I mean, there's been no upsets because they've done this seeding thing which means the good players play somebody crap for the first two rounds.

But this Roddick looks quite a character.

He looks like a cocky Yank. A typical 18-year-old who can't wear his cap the right way round. Silly lad.

Well, we''ll get back to the tennis later on. The first e-mail this week concerns Mr Vieira.

Alex Allen from England says: So, Robbo, nice to see Arsenal falling apart isn't it? If Vieria goes to Man Utd, that would be the best moment of the season.

The next Arsenal striker?

Er no, it wouldn't, as I think I pointed out in my column.

But it's not surprising that he wants to leave Arsenal. Look at what they've done in the last few seasons, they've sold Petit and Overmars.

They clearly had to sell Anelka because he was a bit of a nutcase, but they haven't replaced him with anyone who can actually score.

Well, I suppose Henry's got quite a good goal-scoring record, but he's got a touch of the Luther Blissett's about him.

As for Vieira, I think he just wants a rest. He's done the job of about four players in that team.

I'm not surprised he wants to go, particularly as he been working with a back four who were all born between the wars.

But can you imagine Vieira and Keane in the same side - it doesn't bear thinking about.

Then there's Veron, although presumably they'll only buy one or the other.

Well this is what Alex Ferguson does in the close season, he keeps working. He says to all the top Premiership clubs: 'Do you know, we're gonna buy your player'.

The clubs then get into a tizzy and their best players do go, not usually to Man United, but it doesn't matter. Ferguson's done his job.

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Moving onto cricket - and this comes from a guy with a great name - Tony Moroni.

'Dom-dom-dom-doppity-wah' - that's it, isn't it? 'Tony Moroni, dom-dom-dom-doppity-wah' - Roy Orbison. Good song that.

Bit before my time, mate, anyway, Tony says: Why do you think England are so short of top class bowlers now?

Apart from Goughy & Caddick there's no-one. And where have all the decent spinners gone? You'd think that playing year after year on weather-affected pitches we'd have spinners to spare!

Yeah but you see the weather-affected pitches also help middle-of-the-road, medium-paced dobbers like Ealham get four wickets or so.

This happens every year, doesn't it Mr Moroni ('dom-dom-dom-doppity-wah')? We always have this debate about spinners.

Croft usually starts off - my missus likes Croft because he looks like a little furry animal, but unfortunately he bowls like one as well.

Tuffers: Likes a smoke, likes a drink

So we say, well actually Croft isn't that good and they'll throw up the name of somebody like Dean Cosker.

Then the selectors decide they won't pick him, they'll pick Salisbury and the nation hold their heads in collective hands.

Salisbury'll last a Test after getting duffed up all over the place, and then we'll go for Tuffers in the last Test.

You know, 'Tuffers saves the day again!' Well, he doesn't! The fags are starting to kick in now, bless him.

I've got to say, he is my favourite.

Tuffers? Well, he smokes, he drinks, he takes wickets - what more do you want?

If we're stuck, maybe they should pick him. Not Crofty.

Of course, the latest threat is that Thorpe's not fit and Ramprakash will re-emerge - the vanguard of English cricket once again, with his quick-scoring mentality.

Then Hick'll be back! Oh dear! You can see it all happening, can't you?

Well, he did score 155 from something like 10 balls the other day.

Ah yes, but it was against My Mum's XI.

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Still on cricket, Ed Dyer asks: England's Cricket selectors seem to have missed the obvious when picking the one day side.

Gloucestershire have swept all before them in limited overs cricket over the last few seasons, yet did not have a single representative in the England sqaud!

What hope do we have if we do not pick the form players?

Part of the reason Gloucestershire have done so well is that they haven't really got any players of international standard, so they keep their team together.

But I think Alleyne should have been picked. He's a much better player than Stewart who, bless him, is like a Sergeant Major who shouts at people but doesn't really have a clue what's going on.

Our Timmy, middle class? Nonsense!

OK we'll pick the whole of the Gloucester team for England and put them up against, say, Australia B and watch them get thrashed in 20 overs.

Seriously, do we want Jack Russell back in the side just as his career in art is about to take off? I don't think so.

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Tennis, then, your favourite subject.

Tennis in this country has suffered because it is too elitest.

For England to have a champion we need to take the game to the masses. People like David Lloyd say they are all for this, but to join his tennis clubs it cost around £50 a week!

And that comes from Ollie in England.

Ollie? That's a good old working class name that isn't it? But he's absolutely right, though.

When I was a kid I wanted to try my hand at tennis.

I'd go down the local club with my middle class friend and I'd get thrown off for wearing the wrong shorts, or playing the wrong coloured backhand, or having the wrong coloured voice...

It's a snobs' sport and that's why the only decent player we've got is a middle class lad.

Henman says he can't help being middle class, but at least he's got something to fall back on.

We want players with nowt to have a go at it, but you can't afford 50 quid a week if you're a poor lad.

And as for the person who chucked me off all those years ago...

I think her name was Mrs Warburton, of Yarm, Cleveland. If someone wants to put some dog's doings though her letterbox, you're very welcome to.

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Moving swiftly along now. This comes from John Gibbon, who says: The Aussies must be getting really worried that they might actually get beaten by the Lions Down Under.

They moan because they say our lads are too rough, then resort to punching the hell out of those Lions players still fit enough to play!

I have to say, punching people during rugby matches is bang out of order.

The game's all about laying into each other without using your fists.

If you start a fight during a footie match it's different. I dunno why, it just is.

Starting a fight in a scrum's easy. I don't know, it's just pathetic the way the Aussies have gone about it down there. Play properly!

By the way, this Martin Corry.

Yes?

Martin Corry, Barry Cowan, they're exactly the same person. Take a look at them, they're identical.

And let's just mention Barry Cowan's marvellous...DEFEAT. I mean, let's not, you know...it was a marvellous DEFEAT.

Another heroic failure that saw him all over the back pages.

Martin Corry

And, of course, Corry's been picked out of nowhere so his picture's been in the papers and they look the same.

While you're there, Martina Hingis and Stephen Hendry - identical.

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Finally, Peter from Australia, who says: Great to see a picture of old Merv on the site. You're right, he'd have caught the can and downed it without drawing breath.

Barry Cowan

But we can still hold our beer, mate, don't you worry about that - although Waugh and the boys could turn up blind drunk and still hammer your lot.

Well, that's the gauntlet thrown down. We've just got to ensure the Aussies get absolutely slaughtered on Wednesday night and we'll take you on Thursday morning.

It's a good idea, it'd even things up, but I can't see Steve Waugh letting it happen.

He's po-faced, isn't he? I mean he's the captain of the fine..the fine.. - the words stick in me throat - the finest side probably to have ever played Test cricket, right?

Right.

So let's have a smile or two man, for goodness sake.

But if we find ourselves 2-0 down, we should make them get slaughtered and see what happens.

If we go 2-0 down?

Well, the weather's always our best ally. We'll pray for rain and see what happens. I still say they can't hold their beer, they can only serve it.

Right, well that's it for another week. A little bird tells me you've got a new car - will you be out in that?

Oh yes.

What is it?

A Megane

A Megane?

Yeah, dunno if it's a Joe or a Mark Megane, but it's one of the Megane family.

All right mate, drive safely.

Bye son.

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Look out for Robbo's weekly column every Monday and remember, Robbo will be back on Friday to give his usual no-nonsense response.