Roeder to nowhere

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson questions the appointment of Glenn Roeder at West Ham and dismisses England's one-day cricketers.

Click on the box on the left hand side to hear Robbo rant!

Afternoon Robbo!

Hello, son!

It's been a busy sporting week, what with the golf, cricket and snooker, but perhaps one of the most interesting stories is the appointment of Glenn Roeder at West Ham.

We've got an e-mail from somebody calling themselves Jan Hammer...

Didn't he write the Miami Vice theme tune?!

That's the one! Jan says: Glad to see my team West Ham have signed a proven, quality coach for next season!

Glenn Roeder? I ask you! Who's his backroom staff going to be - Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!

I'll be as good as you one day, mate

It's a fair point. They're in la-la land if they think a pigeon-toed libero from QPR is going to save them. In fact you're a QPR fan aren't you? You'll remember his strange perambulations behind the back four?

Yes. I mean he wasn't a bad player...well, not a bad player for QPR that is.

Yes, after the glory days of the late 70s. As for West Ham, I think they must be a bit desperate.

They made a move for our lad, McLaren, who's come up to Boro and when they didn't get him they must have just pulled a name out of a hat.

Mind you, Joe Cole says Roeder's one of the top two or three coaches he's ever worked with.

I'm thinking; Joe, son, you're only 12 and you've only used two coaches - that's Glenn Roeder and the one you had at school.

And he still can't decide which one was the best.

Well, good luck to Roeder. He did well at Watford....by leaving when they were bottom. But no, good luck to him and West Ham.

Mind you, the more teams like that behind Boro the better for you.

Well yes. I say 'good luck' to them, but what I mean is 'I hope you go down'.

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Good stuff. Right, predictably we've had a couple of Aussies responding to your Steve Waugh comments earlier this week.

John from Australia says: Just because you are a Pom you have it in for Steve Waugh. England might be coming good these days but they don't have a player of Mr Waugh's calibre.

Ron Sumner from England adds: Come down to the Prince of Teck on the Earl's Court Road and repeat your sentiments on Aussies! I'm sure you'll receive a warm welcome!

Responding to the first comment, of course I've got it in for Steve Waugh! He's a brilliant player and if he has a bad series we might have a better chance.

If Australia are playing India, they're not going to say; 'ooh, I hope Tendulkar has a good series', are they?!

Seconds out: Steve Waugh is England's chief tormentor

And I won't be going to Earl's Court Road. What is it about Earl's Court - is there a secret tunnel all the way from there to Bondi Beach?

You'd think so wouldn't you?

Well, they pop up like rabbits down there. Anyway, I won't be coming to that poxy pub because I can guarantee I won't be able to get a decent beer for starters.

Secondly, Ron, I'm not stupid enough to walk straight into a damn good kick-in, so you can forget it.

Did you catch any of the one-day game between England and Australia?

No I didn't. I closed my eyes and ears and as far as I'm concerned, one-day cricket doesn't exist.

It certainly doesn't for England.

No. One-day cricket means one day we might be able to play it.

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OK, moving onto something different. This one comes from Alex in the USA.

He says: I was listening to your comments about inventing new sports so that you can be world champions at it.

I think it's a great idea. Americans have been doing it for years.

We were crap at cricket, so we invented baseball. We were crap at rugby, so we invented American Football. We were crap at snooker, so we invented Pool.

Maybe if England took an existing game, changed the rules and then held a 'World Series' that only included English Teams, you could be world champions again.

That's absolutely right, of course. Or we could play America at all those new sports we invent and beat them hollow.

I'm really pleased the Americans went off and invented their own games, because otherwise they'd be really good at our games and win everything.

Mind you, have you ever watched a baseball game - it's mad, they're all over the place.

I mean what's that big fenced off area where people throw balls around? It's like they're in quarantine or something.

Yeah, fully with you there. At least you know where you are with rounders. Anyway, there you are Alex, Robbo's agreeing with you - which doesn't happen very often.

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Next up is Tom Easton from England, although he spells it eng-er-land.

That's it, yeah, good lad.

He says: I didn't reckon much to your Cardiff chant. What about:
"Que se ra, se ra,
Whatever will be, will be,
We're going to Cardiff, see?
Que se ra, se ra."

Welsh legend Max Boyce

Not only does it rhyme, but it requires little re-education of the supporters and it may annoy the Welsh.

Oh yeah. Cardiff, 'see' - like they say 'bach' and 'boyo' and 'look you'.

That's a great one, that - I really like that. I can't top it - and there's also the bonus of annoying the Welsh, which is very easy to do, frankly.

Just ask Anne Robinson.

Indeed. You just have to cross the border, snap a leek against your thigh and everyone's furious. Even recreating the sound of domestic farm animals seems to upset them.

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I'm not getting involved in that one, Robbo. Now, John Norton from England says: You say that ice hockey's a silly stupid game that's played by small people in lots of padding...

...I did say that, yes, how very wise of me.

He continues: But at least they settle their differences properly.

If there's aggro, the refs let them beat the living daylights out of each other, put them in the sin bin for five minutes, then everyone gets on with the game.

Don't you think football would benefit from this sort of officiating? I'd love to see Dennis Wise square off against Emile Heskey.

Now that's a very good idea. We've got some very intelligent e-mailers this week.

There is a certain nobility in two men having a quick scrap and getting it over with, rather than this petty business of poking each other and the referee having to get in the way.

It would speed things up, but I wouldn't like them to be sent to the sin bin. They should have a special area on the pitch, maybe around the centre circle, where they'd have to try and deck each other.

Maybe the one who's decked the other lad could just stay on.

As far as Dennis Wise goes, if they decide it's time for a scrap they should just bring him on and kick him about.

How about Dennis Wise and my mum? I know who'd win that one.

Well I haven't met your mum, Robbo, but I've a sneaking suspicion I know who'd win it as well.

Ay, she's strong-willed, a disciplinarian. Dennis Wise?! Never was a footballer so ill named.

You never know, he might be on his way to the Riverside, what with old 'Blue Lamp' going to Chelsea.

Oh no...well yes, we'd have him. We could probably do with another arsey little scrapper in midfield alongside Ince.

I think he might do quite well up there.

Yeah, I think he would. I think he'd become quite popular in a kind of er...no actually he wouldn't last five seconds, not up here.

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Finally, Roy Anderson from the USA says: What do you think about the female squash player who wanted to play tournaments in skimpy underwear?

Yeah, I did see this, I did notice it. I think to be fair to the lass, she's showing a lot of common sense.

A squash court, in my experience, is a very sweaty place and you don't want too much clothing to make you sweat more.

A lot of lasses are starting to dress a bit more sensibly for their sport and I think it's good. I would encourage it.

Anna Kournikova: "Sensibly dressed"

Well I never thought you'd say that, Robbo!

Well obviously I'd prefer it if; a) they were very attractive and; b) good enough to last the whole tournament, particularly tennis.

I don't like the game, but if Kournikova was a bit better we'd probably enjoy it a bit more.

Going back to the outfits, no-one complains about the swimmers do they?

You don't have to wear a tennis skirt to go swimming, so I don't see why you can't wear a skimpy swimming costume to play squash.

Well that rounds things off nicely.

Yes, it gives us all something to think about - before our dear wives come home.

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Look out for Robbo's weekly column every Monday and remember, Robbo will be back on Friday to give his usual no-nonsense response.