Don't mention the Aussies

Bring On The...

It's a curse, a disease, an affliction my missus calls it. But every time, the England cricket team do even half decently I start to think that they might, they just might, with a bit of luck and some serious hard graft, they might just beat the Aussi -

No! Let's not see the back page headlines - Waugh Is Over! Warne Down! Ha Ha Glenn McGrath! - No! Stop it! We won't speak of this again - just in case it never happens.

Bless The Barrow Boy

The Barrow Boy definitely kept us up - but stop stringing it out, lad. You're like a bloody girl keeping us dangling - and rest assured the average Teesside bloke does not take kindly to being faffed around.

Going, going....Mike Middleton

Which reminds me, Boro's first scorer on Saturday was a lad by the name of Desire Job.

I haven't heard those two words in a sentence since that bargain bucket holiday in Bangkok back in '82. Happy days.

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Harrison Flawed

So Mike Middleton, a man who lasts about as long as an early Beatles single, tells us that he went into the ring an angry fighter rather than a focused one.

I tell you what, Mike - I'll take you on when you're bloody furious.

Maybe you should have focused a bit sooner on what a ridiculous fool you are talking up your chances of winning before the fight.

Eight months it took Audley's minders to find that lump. It's not good enough.

Audley complains that he needs time to get used to being a pro. But being a pro means fighting a pro. Sort it out or we'll all switch off. You don't want to end up in panto now do you Audley?

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Match of the Day RIP

It's gone. No more Hansen saying 'woeful defending'. No more Lawrenson prissying about the referees, no more Brooking umming and ahhing like a Honda 50cc before apologising on behalf of some terrible miss.

And Lineker is busy advertising himself as a possible adviser to Michael Owen - which is really nice of you Gary cos when you were 20 you were a cast-iron genius, weren't you son?

So what can we expect from ITV? Des dozing through the evening, and Hoddle putting poor performances down to a lack of Eileen Drewery.

Blonde ambition: Barry Venison

Gabby Yorath passing herself off as a decent looker and Barry Venison - you hear that? - Barry Venison. Never has a man used so many words to say absolutely nothing.

And of course big Ron, (I tell you what) expecting the big lad to give it the eyebrows at the front stick or (I tell you what) knock it in to good areas for the little fella to come on to (I tell you what). In short it's going to be b******s.

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Sad Stade

I hate Rugby Union, so imagine my surprise at enjoying Leicester put one over the French in Paris on Saturday. Maybe I could change me mind about Union after all.

The lad who most impressed me was the Stade France lad Dominguez - an Argy-Italian apparently. He has a twitch so pronounced it's probably a waste of money buying him a pint after the game.

Thing is, when he kicks the ball he doesn't even bat an eyelid. Brilliant.

Chuffin' Hell Shoaib

I've noticed that Dermot Reeve insists on calling Shoaib Akhtar the Rawalpindi Express. Well Dermot, he needs to off load a bit of freight because that is the fattest train I've ever seen.

Robbo has gone on his annual holiday to Cleethorpes, but will be returning to the mike on Friday 1 June.

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