The art of awful defending

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson answers more of your emails.

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Hello Robbo! Are you enjoying this cold weather?

It's a bit sharp, just up my street. It's a bit warmer everywhere else but up my street, it's a bit cold.

Oh, well, onto the first question - Karen from the UK says: Did you watch the Uefa Cup final? What a game.

She reckons all teams should be made to play with a few cr*p defenders as it would definitely make for more entertaining football.

Now there's a thing. Of course, I was out - the finest European final in history and I was out.

I was at the in-laws. We were out having cr*ppy French food. The missus had promised a curry so I wasn't in the best mood.

Then I found out that I missed the best game in history so that's very annoying. So I didn't see it, unfortunately. I missed Alan Hansen's blood vessels exploding out the side of his head.

He was getting quite excited.

So I hear from my mate. The standard of the defending was apparently appalling.

But it made it more interesting, didn't it? Do you think we should have that all the time?

Varga: Could help make football more exciting?

This lass Karen says they should have more cr*p defenders - kind of obligatory. I think that's a fantastic idea.

They should have a pool of pathetic defenders for all the Premier League teams.

You have to play one and then, if you're doing really well in the season, then you have to play two - you have to play Varga and Festa at the same time in the centre of defence.

That would even up things nicely. I think that's a marvellous idea.

It would stop people being the best team because they've got more money. You have to play somebody who's pants. Marvellous!

It's a good handicap system, isn't it?

It's a brilliant idea. Well done! I think we should institute it forthwith.

And Scouse from Liverpool wants to know: Do you reckon in the wake of Liverpool's success this season that Man Utd may finally have a battle on to win the Premiership?

I don't think they will but I have to say it's an absolute delight to talk to Man Utd fans - and I was talking to one the other day because I was in Cornwall - and they are so hacked off that Liverpool have won three trophies.

They're trying to downgrade these trophies as Mickey Mouse trophies that anybody could win, which is true, but it's so marvellous to have them moaning away about the fortunate Liverpool team that have somehow scraped home three cups - it's marvellous.

So I hope that we can continue to wind them up next season somehow or other. I don't care who it is really. I support Middlesbrough and whoever's playing Man U.

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Staying with football, Claudia in Italy is saying that you don't know anything about Italian footy.

This is the one from last week that sounded quite sexy. She's been saying I was cr*p and I don't know a damn thing.

If somebody says that to you in Middlesbrough, that's a come-on. If a lass says "you're cr*p", what she's really meaning is "what are you doing later?"

I think reverse psychology actually began in Teesside. That's how we interact. We slag each other off but there's a little frisson going there. If somebody's polite to you, they really don't like you in Teesside. That's how it works.

That must be where I'm going wrong then.

Yes, that must be where you're going wrong then when you're up there.

Colin from London wants to know if you are you as gutted as most of the world's male population that Anna Kournikova won't be at the French Open? Are you an admirer of hers?

No, yes. I mean's she's 20 now so my lustful thoughts are legal now.

Kournikova: 'Only a lass with blonde hair'

There's a lot of sad and lonely men who seem to get very excited about the fact that this lass might lose 6-2 6-2 in the first round of a tennis tournament.

She's only a lass with blonde hair. There's not much to her really.

You reckon you could beat her then, could you?

I've always said tennis is a girl's game. It's not really a man's game.

The bats have got strings on them which means it doesn't take much effort to hit the ball, do you know what I mean? It's not about timing and strength like cricket.

So I probably could take her on, yeah - with my hands tied behind my back. I don't think she's much cop.

Talking of girls with long hair, what about England's new bowler Ryan Sidebottom? He reminds Pete from Bournemouth of a rock star - or a 1970s porn star. Maybe he should team up with David Seaman and form the Hair Bear Bunch?

Another on the great conveyor belt of Yorkshire pace bowlers that we have nowadays in the wake of the giant Gough, the cricket legend.

I think he's alright. A lot of people say he looks like a rock star. I think he looks like Sideshow Bob off The Simpsons - same hair.

I think the hair's very important. Somebody was saying he should get it cut off. I think it's very important for his ability to deceive the batsman.

If you're batting and you're waiting for him to come up, you're going to look at him and think he's a bit of prat, that lad with the hair.

He doesn't come across as a figure who's going to bowl you out, not looking like he does. It's a bit like Merv Hughes with his 'tache.

Hughes: Psychology's hair to stay

It's the same psychology going on where you look like a complete prat so you're not going to be able to bowl properly but actually he bowls very well.

The same psychology David Seaman uses perhaps?

Yes, I think Seaman's done quite well this season merely by running out to the on-rushing forward, who's getting ready to put the ball past him and then going "What the hell is that?" and then scuffing the ball wide.

It's the same thing. I think it's very clever and should be encouraged.

Chris from the UK: Should there be a British Olympic football team, and if so which non-English should be included?

No, not now. In the '70s we could have done with it because there were some decent Scottish players around but we'd only need Giggs now, wouldn't we? There's nobody else really.

A British team would be all English plus Giggs on the left. That would be it. There'd be no point.

Given that most of the decisions in this country come from England, we should take this decision, as Blair would say, when the time is right.

If Scotland have a good run of players then we should talk about it then but not at the moment because we're better than them.

Finally, what do you think about these genetically modified horses that we might be seeing in eventing and showjumping?

I think this is weird. What are they trying to modify them for? What do they want the horses to do?

Well, they could jump higher.

Maybe they'll teach them to be able to jump a perfect round without a stupid toffee-nosed big-backsided fellow on their back. That would help them, make their jobs a bit easier.

Maybe they could be developing horses with velcro backs so there's no danger of slipping off.

Or a horse that could re-arrange a fence before you've noticed that you'd knocked it over. That would be handy.

Or special springy bits in their hooves. It's weird, isn't it?

It's a strange world we live in.

It's a strange world, showjumping, though. It's a strange world - people who spend too much time around horses are usually odd, usually bear a striking resemblance to a horse.

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Look out for Robbo's weekly column every Monday and remember, Robbo will be back on Friday to give his usual no-nonsense repsonse.