Are you Wembley in disguise?

As the Wembley Stadium row rumbles on, BBC Sport Online's Chris Charles takes a look at an alternative site for the national football arena - the village of Meriden in the centre of England.

The Wembley Stadium fiasco has taken more twists and turns than a Slinky Slonky on amphetamines.

Running track, no running track, loadsamoney, what money, save the towers, lose the towers.

Send them all to the tower, that's what I say.

Perhaps the best idea to come out of this sorry shambles is to up sticks and relocate the stadium to the centre of England.

It might put a few noses out of joints in the south, but I suppose we've had it our own way for far too long.

Birmingham is being touted as the ideal spot for the new symbol of English football, but if the bigwigs really want to play it by the book, then the latest Theatre of Dreams must come to nearby Meriden.

Meriden, I presume?

That's right, Meriden - a sleepy village just off junction six of the M42, boasting two pubs and a population of 800-2,000, depending who you ask.

One thing everyone is agreed on, though, is that they are slap bang in the middle of England - and there's even a monument to prove it.

But how would the villagers cope with an influx of football fans from across the globe?

Dave, the landlord of the Bull's Head, has mixed feelings.

"Well it would certainly be good for business," he admits.

"We have roughly 30 or 40 regulars, although it gets busier at weekends.

"We're only just down the road from the NEC in Birmingham, so we are used to having lots of people around attending exhibitions and conferences."

We're talking 100,000 football fans here though, Dave.

"Well, it might be a bit different," he concedes.

"There's also the question of the Meriden Gap."

I beg your pardon?

Stink

"The Meriden Gap. It's the Greenbelt area separating the outskirts of Birmingham and Coventry.

"A few weeks ago planning permission was granted for a new service station at Catherine de Barnes, a village down the road.

"There was a deputation to Tony Blair and all sorts to try and stop it, so I would imagine there would be a bit of a stink if they gave the go-ahead for a stadium!

"From our point of view, it would be great to have it at Birmingham, though. We're all members of the England Supporters' Club - me, the wife and our son and daughter."

Of course, if the stadium were to be built in Meriden, the local football team would reap the rewards.

Meriden Rovers of the Cov Alliance currently play their home games at the local rec, where goalposts are jumpers and facilities come in the form of a few sturdy trees in case you get caught short.

Former Rovers centre forward Paul, who works in the kitchens at the Bull's Head, is sure the side would relish the chance to play on the lush green turf, when it was not being used for internationals or pop concerts.

People have been struggling for a while now to try and get a fish and chip shop in the town, let alone an international football stadium

  Former Meriden footballer Paul

But he confesses that the chances of them attracting a capacity crowd week in week out would be real Roy of the Rovers stuff.

"To be honest, they'd be lucky if they filled the subs' bench," he chuckles.

So why exactly did Paul leave his local side for local rivals Packington, who play in Birmingham's Southern District League?

"Well, they're a bigger club. Most of the Meriden team are made up of rejects from Packington - the ones who are a bit too old to play at that level!"

But for all his lofty ambitions, Paul is a realist who cannot seriously see Meriden becoming the new Wembley.

"I wouldn't think so," he says.

"People have been struggling for a while now to try and get a fish and chip shop in the town, let alone an international football stadium.

"Besides, I don't think it would fit."