Gordon Bennett!

Goodbye Gordon

It appears we are on the verge of losing one of the finest football citizens in the Premier League. Prepare to say farewell to Gordon Strachan.

How in God's name the little ginger dynamo hasn't strapped on a pair of boots and ran around showing Chippy and Hadjo how to do it, I'll never know.

Going down gracefully: Gordon Strachan

Managers who say their team was crap when it was crap are like gold-dust. Let's say au revoir, Gordon.

Cracking Crucible

I bloody love the World Snooker. Every year it throws up somebody new.

Joe Swail is deaf, you know. I suppose that means he can never use my all purpose snooker excuse - "I definitely heard a kick there".

The lad who's intrigued me is Patrick Wallace who used to be an accountant and has his hair styled as if he still is. Get it cut, lad. You look like a right twerp.

A good tip is very important in snooker - and here's mine. Higgins'll win it. No question.

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Tall Tiger Tales

That bloke who pretended to be Tiger Woods - how short-sighted can you be?

He must have known someone was going to find him out sooner or later so what did he spend his ill-gotten gains on? A second hand car!!

This is Tiger Woods' money you're using, son, not Sandy Lyle's! Spoil yourself! Buy a brand new one while you can!

Typical Yanks' sentence - 200 years or life he's getting. They really do think they can live forever, don't they?

Iron Mike Returns

Personally I would love to iron Mike Tyson - with a steamroller.

Is that Robbo in his steamroller?

That aside I think the lad Rahman has every right to insist on making the most out of the one punch he possesses.

And if he manages to retire with all of his face intact and a huge roll of greenbacks stuffed down his shorts then good luck to him.

Then he can leave the nasty convicted rapist to our Audley!

My World XI.

Chilavert (Paraguay), Cafu (Brazil), De Boer (Holland), Thuram (France), Maldini (Italy), Figo (Portugal), Zidane (France), Keane (Rep Ireland), Giggs (Wales), Rivaldo (Brazil), Batistuta (Argentina).

Sadly I could find no place for Boro's Stampy, but his time will come. So go on, get arguing!

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Mad Keane

This is how I subtitled a bit about Roy last week. How right I was, if reports are to be believed.

Maybe the likes of Collymore and Keane have this sudden nervous breakdown when they realise that there is absolutely no reason on earth why anyone should be earning 50 grand a week, let alone a footie player.

Snooker Extra

Just why is Anthony Hamilton called the Robin Hood of Snooker?

Does he give his tournament winnings to the poor? No.

Does he lead a band of merry snooker players as they combat the WPBSA? No.

He's the Robin Hood of Snooker because - he's from Nottingham.

Introducing Ken 'the pen' Doherty

I now realise that Ken Doherty is the Roddy Doyle of Snooker and James Wattana is the Pol Pot of Snooker.

That bloke with the face like a walnut who introduces the players into the Crucible - Alan Someone, I think his name is - it's his fault and he should go!

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