Oh, for Hod's sake!

BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson likens the current situation between Spurs and Southampton to a playground dispute in his weekly rant.

Lowe is Glennlivid

Correct me if I'm wrong - and just saying that means some know-all will correct me - but didn't Glenn Hoddle have a clause in his contract insisting that if Tottenham came in for him he'd be entitled to talk to them?

And if so, then isn't Hoddle's defence that he wasn't looking for Spurs to come in for him just a bit rich - unlike the club he's just left who are, sadly, a bit poor?

It's never pleasant at Spurs though, is it?

What with Sugar having a go at Graham and Graham having a go at Enic and Enic having a go at anyone who even dares to suggest they might have been a bit hasty, and Hod having a dig at Rupert and Rupert scratching back....

Who's up for a game of football, girls?

I just feel like getting them all in a room and shouting; "Girls! Girls! Play nicely!"

Time-wasting Windies

Every team is at it. P***ing about when the pressure's on. And don't doubt that Nasser and the lads would do the same - they'd be mad not to.

It's almost become the most creative part of Test cricket.

So here are some guaranteed ways to fill up time in the middle doing anything but playing cricket.

1) Don't tie up tour bootlaces 'til you get out there.

2) Take out a bat with a split in it. The first time ball hits bat it will split again and you can send out for another. Clearly for this to work you may have to hit the ball so it's not recommended for Alan Mullally.

3) Get the sightscreen moved.

Don't be put off when the umpire suggests you won't see anything when the sight screen is at deep mid-wicket. Just take a delivery, trust to luck, then agree with the umpire and have it moved back.

4) Have some irritating streakers pre-arranged.

There are many people in Middlesbrough only too pleased to provide this service with or without payment - although the more pints you buy them the longer they'll stay out in front of the stewards.

5) Have a coughing/sneezing fit at the non-striker's end. Coincide the sneeze or cough with the arrival of the bowler at the crease.

Make sure the bowler isn't quick and frightening or you may be endangering the life of your batting partner.

White's Waste

Jimmy White blew £1m on gambling? He could've saved half of that by not backing himself.

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With Age Comes Wisdom

Albania loves Norman Wisdom. Will someone tell me why he doesn't go and live there?

It'd give the rest of us a break.

Still they insist on screening his toe-curlingly unfunny films on our TV screens. He has to be the best reason for turning the TV off in the afternoon.

One day he's going to fall down and not get up and the world will be a happier place. Harsh, but I think you'll agree, fair.

Dead Admirals

No-one's bothered to enter the Admiral's Cup. That's a sailing race to you and me.

Well I watched a sailing race once and you simply cannot tell who is in the lead. It could have been anyone. In fact the eventual winner could've been anyone.

In Acklam Park, there's a coule of saddoes who race their motorised sailing boats across the duck pond. It's far more exciting than the Admiral's Cup.

Mr Gregory, I presume?

Geezer Gregory

Would you buy a second-hand footballer from this man?

John Gregory's so London, his middle name must be 'geezer'. It's hard to imagine an episode of The Sweeney without a Gregory lookalike in it.

He makes the Barrow Boy look like a city gent.

By the by

I don't know anyone called Jock McJock, or Taffy 'Taff' Davies, so how did the Irish RU find a team manager called Brian O'Brian? Does he really exist?

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Is Robbo the best man for the job or should he be given his marching orders? E-mail us with your views, but be warned, you might not get off likely when he gives his response on Friday.