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Derek 'Robbo' Robson
Seeing Roy Keane score an own goal makes me laugh
 real 14k

banner Friday, 16 March, 2001, 18:08 GMT
Robbo's red nose day
Derek 'Robbo' Robson
BBC Sport Online's Derek 'Robbo' Robson reluctantly puts on his red nose - but, as usual, he's not being very charitable. Click the icon on the left hand side to hear him ranting.

Hello Robbo, we start off with a topical, if rather rude, question from Andrew in London - what are you doing for Comic Relief, you miserable old git?!

Well, in my pub tonight, for every fourth pint you buy, 10p will be going to Comic Relief.

Ooh, very generous, mate. Our lot played football in our pants on Friday.

Really? That's like when you've forgotten you shorts at school isn't it?

So what is there in the sporting world that would bring you a spot of Comic Relief?

A Roy Keane own goal is always a joy, in fact any Manchester United own goal....but when Roy Keane does it..marvellous.

Roy Keane
"Now where's it going?"
Ice skaters falling over too. It's their own stupid fault - it's very slippy that stuff and you shouldn't really be on it if you can't stand up.

And Chris Eubank opening his mouth and saying 'owt is always hilarious. Not intentional, but hilarious all the same.

OK, moving on to more serious matters, DC in Luton says: In response to your plea for Arsenal to stop Spurs winning the FA Cup, if they play like they did against Bayern in midweek, they wouldn't be able to stop traffic!

That's a very good point, DC. Arsenal have been a very strange team this season. On paper they look like they'd murder you - but they can't beat anybody really, not properly - apart from QPR.

I don't think Bergkamp's helping the situation. He's such a bloody jessie that lad.

You'd think by now he'd have some treatment for his psychological dislike of aircraft. It's stupid.

So what would you do if you were his manager Robbo?

I'd stick him on a plane and then make him jump out with a parachute on - on my back. That's what Wenger should do!

Maybe he'll get so good he'll come in about 30 minutes into the game - on a parachute, with smoke coming out of his boots!

That'd put the wind up the defence.


What about the Champions League draw? Arsenal have got Valencia and Manchester United play Bayern.

I think United will get through their match, but then they've got to play Real Madrid - that'll be good for Comic Relief.

Real will skin 'em alive again and we'll all be jumping up and down for joy, despite the fact that we're meant to be supporting the British club.

Ian Botham and Bob Willis
They don't make 'em like they used to

That brings us nicely onto our next e-mail. Lynn in Nottingham says: Have you got a general hatred of Manchester United? First you're slagging off David Beckham, now it's Gary Neville - and it's not the first time you've had a go at the Neville brothers either. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes I do have a general hatred of Manchester United. It's not anything particularly specific, Lynn, it's just general.

It's not irrational. They screw their fans for money - they make more money in a minute than the average fan does in a year, so I think that's unfair.

They have a book of excuses which they can rifle through after every defeat - and they only get beaten once in a blue moon, so they should learn to accept it a bit more gracefully.

And to make it even worse, Lynn, they win everything! So you've got to hate them - it's common sense.

Moving onto cricket, Raj asks: Do you think India's win over Australia was the greatest Test match ever seen?

No I don't Raj. I don't want it to sound like I'm being racialist or anything, but it sounds to me like you might be an India supporter.

I'm sure you'd say the same about me when you heard my name was Derek Robson - you'd probably think I supported England.

This may sound a bit biased, but I still think the greatest Test match ever was Headingley in 1981 - Botham 149 not out, Willis 8-43. Fantastic that was.

Then there was the Windies beating Australia when Lara scored a century in both innnings or something, so yours probably comes about third, Raj.

Laxman and Singh? Who are they, anyway, Laxman and Singh? I'd never heard of them before this Test match.

Don't know, they could be the new Peters and Lee.

They could be! Except one could obviously see the ball very well.

One thing those Test matches have in common, of course, is that the Australians got beat, which is always the greatest experience in cricket.

I mean, it's been getting a bit tiresome hasn't it? Every time you go in some pub, there's some smug Aussie behind the bar going "can I get you a drink" - and you know he's thinking "I'm better than you".

OK, going back to football, this one's from Sara in Birmingham, who says: For all your criticisms of Stan Collymore, I bet you'd soon change your tune if he came out of retirement to play at the Riverside!

Nicole Kidman
Steve McManaman?!
If dopey Collymore played at the Riverside, he'd fall in the Tees!

He's been unofficially retired for four years anyway so I don't see what all the fuss is about. Nobody is going to miss Stan Collymore, least of all the Boro.

Do you think he'll challenge Vinnie Jones to be the new football icon of Hollywood?

Well I'd be interested to see what parts he gets put up for - psychos, I suspect.

OK, finally, there's this e-mail from Kate in Middlesex on your favourite subject, David Beckham.

She says: OK Robbo, I'm beginning to think you're right. Now Beckham's been dropped by United, it proves he's not doing the business. But do you think it's just a bad spell he's having, or should United cut their losses and despatch him to Italy?

Well, it is a bad spell but I don't want to have a go at the lad because he is a good player. But he keeps talking as if he's going to be a great player and he can't become a great from the bench.

If he wants to improve he should go to Spain, not Italy - even McManaman looks like a genius over there.

Now here's a thing - McManaman and Nicole Kidman, have you ever seen them in the same room?


Look out for Robbo's weekly column every Monday and remember, Robbo will be back on Friday to give his usual blunt repsonse.

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17 Mar 01 |  Funny Old Game
Beckham gets a roasting
16 Mar 01 |  Funny Old Game
Caught with their pants down
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