Time to turn it on, Beckham

Derek 'Robbo' Robson hits out at 'one-footed' David Beckham and 'fruitcake' Fabien Barthez while expressing sorrow for Jimmy White in his regular weekly column.

Beckham bleats

Leave me alone, cries the new England skipper, I'm a nice man and, when you factor in my IQ, I'm relatively the wealthiest man in Britain.

Well, no, you turn a couple of decent performances, sunshine and we'll all be singing your praises.

By the way, since when did a world class footballer be only able to kick with one foot? My PE master Mr Coates would have smacked that out of you years ago.

Sol Campbell should be England skipper anyway. He deserves some credit for captaining a side as schizoid as Spurs for so bloody long.

Don Gone

I never saw Don Bradman bat so I suppose we'll just have to believe all these old duffers who tell us he was the greatest.

Mind he was a right jessie when Larwood tried to knock his head off during the Bodyline tour.

It's a tactic I'd try meself except that if my pace bowler dug it in short it'd never bloody reach the batsman.

Personally I though the Don would make his century, but then he bottled it in his last Test Match when he only needed four to get a 100 average so maybe we shouldn't be surprised that the great man departed a little early again.

No more Aussie legends, please!

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French Fruitcake

Fabien Barthez - certified nutcase? Undoubtedly. But we all know that the loosening of a couple of screws can do wonders for the esteem of a goalkeeper.

The best goalie I ever played with was a guy called Trevor Harrison.

At corners, he would deal with a Jack Charlton-like centre half standing on the goal line by pulling the lad's shorts down before the ball came over.

He rarely lost a one-on-one with an on-rushing forward cos he'd just yell 'B@!*?£*!' at them as they tried to go round him.

And he was dedicated, sometimes training throughout the night, trying to catch and hold crosses that he couldn't physically see.

I still visit Trevor occasionally and we talk about the old times, but not for too long as the doctors seem to think I upset him.

Whirlwind Wimps Out

No White at the Crucible? How are they going to play without the cue-ball?

But seriously, it's one let-down we could all do without any road - Jimmy tells us all he's in the best form of his life and Hendry wipes the floor with him.

Any road, what would you rather be - One Of The Best Players To Win The World Championship or The Greatest Player Never To Have Won The World Championship?

Be the Greatest Jimmy, Son!

Barrow Boy Barracking

This column is a place for serious and informed sporting debate so all you pillocks who keep slagging off the Boro can keep your illiterate mouths shut, all right?

Siesta in Brum

Well done Sven, lad. But Spain, what the hell were they like? Maybe they saw they were spending a night at the Villa and thought they were on holiday.

Gracias, amigos. Even Phil Neville looked like a God.

Give Dave a chance

Coulthard can win the World Championship this year but only if they are told to remove their helmets before driving - the Scot will then be able to exploit his great advantage - he's the only driver with an aerodynamically designed face.

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Is Robbo serving up more aces than Greg Rusedski or should he join Fulham's Luis Boa Morte in the sinbin? Tell him what you think of his views and he'll hit back when he takes to the airwaves on Friday.