My pants aren't as smart as that, though. Mine look like the moths have been eating them!
Half of mine are stuck on the wall. The rule is, if you throw them and they stick you can't use them again, but if they fall off you can get one more day out of them.
ANY APRIL FOOLS PRANKS?
Barry Hayles thought I played one because I was refereeing a five-a-side game and I was doing so badly, in his opinion, that he thought it was April Fool's Day.
Well, it was April Fool's Day, but I was serious.
So we had a bit of an argument about it. Mind you, he could have an argument in a telephone box when he's stood there on his own, Haylesy.
One of the papers had an April Fool's joke about Capello wanting his players to learn Italian. I don't care how he talks to them as long as he motivates them.
I don't like the way England are looking at the moment, to be honest. We're trying to play the continental way and we haven't quite got it yet.
Calm down, dear!
Frank Lampard got shirty again during Chelsea's game with Besiktas. Dearie me, what is this modern trend for throwing a little strop? I saw my kids do that when they were three and four.
What is it with the modern footballer? Let's hope Capello sorts that out.
Billyfox1: "Hi Ollie, at such a crucial stage in the season,is it worth the risk not having a goalkeeper on the bench ?"
I didn't have one fit for the last game. Rab Douglas was injured.
I hadn't done it for the last couple of weeks before that, admittedly, but I shall certainly think very closely about it this weekend. It's a very good question, but what can you do if you haven't got anyone?
PUNTER'S QUESTION II
Tayler: "I read a comment in your last column about the band The Holloways. You didn't seem to know much about them, but they sing a song called Generator.
I have changed the lyric from "I can get a generator - generate the music that makes you feel better" to "We've got a Holloway, a Holloway that makes scorelines better". What do you think, Ollie?"
Ha ha! I wish I could do that for you. I shall be turning that handle to start the generator as quickly as I can.
I knew about Holloway Prison, which isn't a great claim to fame, and about the area in London which is something to be proud of.
I didn't know about the group but now I do and I'm proud of them - even though I've never heard their music.
Ed: The Holloways' bass player - Bryn Tremayne Fowler - contacted me to say: 'We have had quite a few fans of Leicester and QPR coming to gigs, saying they got into us when they searched for Ian on the internet and we came up instead.
They listened, liked what they heard and came along, so we owe him a few fans! Give us his address and we'll send him a cd.'
Thanks for that, but you tell him the way I'm going at the minute he'll have people booing them before they've even started!
I'll go and buy a cd - I don't want them to send one. I'm a fully-fledged member of their fan club now. But tell him it better not be a racket because I'm getting too old for that!
I want it to have some melody in it and I want to be able to understand the lyrics - otherwise I'll be having words.
GRAND NATIONAL TIPS
Apparently there was a horse called Ollie Magern but he was pulled out after going lame. Can't he run on three legs?
I haven't heard any of the other horses' names so I can't give you a tip. You read some out and I'll tell you a name I like.
....Cloudy Lane - I like that name. The favourite? Get out of it! Never trust a bookie, though. William Hill - I'm after you, son!
I won't be paying too much interest to the National - I'm more concerned with getting something from Bramall Lane.
I've got everything crossed - eyelashes, fingernails, toenails , teeth - it's making it really difficult to drive. Come on the Foxes!
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