The alternative awards: The rest

By Dan Warren

The football season is ending and the game's great and good are preparing to dust off their speedos before jetting off for a well-deserved month in the sun.

Yet before they go, there are some loose ends to tie up.

And remember to get involved on our messageboards to give your verdicts on our awards - and dish out some of your own.

We all know who the big hitters have been this year - blah, blah Jose Mourinho; blah, blah John Terry; blah blah Stevie Gerrard et al - but what about the rest...? Here, in no particular order, are the awards for the season.

FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE SEASON

Delia Smith's half-time rant:
Those who like their football to have a touch of comedy about it have been spoiled this season.

Smith (right) inadvertently wrote herself into Canaries' folklore

Numerous classic outbursts from Mourinho, ex-Manchester United star Lee Sharpe "celebrity" wrestling with athlete Iwan Thomas on prime-time telly - and even rumours that David Beckham will move to Spurs in the summer!

But none of them can hold a candle to the mother of all rants from the celebrity chef and director of Norwich City.

An emotional Smith grabbed the microphone at half-time in the 28 February match against Manchester City and the rest is history.

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"A message to the best football supporters in the world. We need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be 'avin you! Come on!" she yelled.

The fans responded, and Norwich's improvement saw them go into the final day with a very real chance of staying up. Then they got battered 6-0 by Fulham.

WORST MISS OF THE SEASON

Freddie Ljungberg (Arsenal) against Bolton:
Even the very best players are capable of a howler - but Arsenal's super Swede would have struggled to find a more public arena in which to foul up.

Match report: Bolton 0-1 Arsenal

It is the televised FA Cup quarter-final against Wanderers, it is the last minute, the Gunners are ahead, and pant-modelling Ljungberg has a chance to seal victory.

Actually, "chance" is understating it a little. Ljungberg has an opportunity so easy that he could actually sneeze the ball into the net.

Unfortunately, the chisel-jawed midfielder boffed it over the bar from six yards with the goal at his mercy. Mercy which, needless to say, was not afforded to him by the guffawing opposition fans.

BEST OWN GOAL OF THE SEASON

Djimi Traore (Liverpool) against Burnley:
The best OG of the season - or maybe the "worst" if you are a Reds fan - came courtesy of Mr Traore in an FA Cup tie.

Liverpool's Traore (right) delighted Burnley with his skillful finish

The scene: A chilly Tuesday night in January at Turf Moor which was warmed up by one of the deftest (surely "daftest"? - Ed) touches you are likely to see in this, or any other, season.

The defender carefully watched a cross from Richard Chaplow.

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Then, slightly less carefully, he pirouetted and dragged the ball back with his heel into his own net, condemning the Reds to an early Cup exit.

WORST DECISION OF THE SEASON

Not allowing Pedro Mendes' "goal" at Old Trafford:
Pity poor Tottenham. Old Trafford is a venue from which they have not returned with a win in 16 years - and after this match they may wonder if they ever will.

Match report: Man Utd 0-0 Tottenham

A solid all-round display restricted Manchester United to few chances and the match seemed to be meandering towards a goalless draw.

Enter Mendes. Spotting United keeper Roy Carroll out of position, Mendes produced a brilliant lob from the half-way line which the Northern Ireland international fumbled at least two feet over the goal-line.

But neither referee Mark Clattenburg or assistant referee Rob Lewis gave the goal, sparking a huge debate on whether to bring video replays into football and saving a very grateful Carroll from having to face Sir Alex Ferguson's hairdryer.

MOST IMPRESSIVE RESULT OF THE SEASON

Exeter City's goalless draw against Man Utd:
Another 0-0 at the "Theatre of Dreams" garners another much-deserved award. No team excelled themselves more than non-league Exeter did in this FA Cup third-round tie.

Grecians captain Sean Devine was ecstatic after the draw

A whopping 96 league positions separated the teams, but the multi-million pound stars of the Premiership could not unlock their Conference rivals.

United may say this was a reserve side, but they began the match with five full internationals in their line-up and introduced substitutes of the calibre of Cristiano Ronaldo, Paul Scholes and Alan Smith.

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"In my 18 years at this club, that was the worst performance we have ever produced in the FA Cup," moaned boss Sir Alex Ferguson after the match.

AND THE REST...

The Madame Tussaud's award for prolific use of wax:
The Chelsea players

I know. Mourinho's men hardly need another gong, but this season, the Blues sported chests so devoid of fur, they woud have shamed a posse of Mexican hairless dogs.

Rumours that billionaire benefactor Roman Abramovich's stubble is created from the offcuts of the players torsos are, of course, entirely made up.

The Nostradamus award for uncanny foresight:
Nottingham Forest

After Joe Kinnear had kept the Reds up last season, the club's board decided to go big time in a push for the Premiership. 'We're serious about promotion, are you?' was the cry.

Forest certainly will not be troubling themselves with the Championship next season - but not for the reasons they would want. The once-proud, double European Cup winners slipped into the third tier of English football for the first time in 54 years after a disastrous season.

The Gentleman Jim award for noble behaviour:
Yeovil Town

The Glovers' Lee Johnson inadvertently netted against Plymouth in their Carling Cup first-round tie when he attempted to pass to Pilgrims keeper Luke McCormick after an injury only to find the stopper had moved off his line.

Lee's father and boss Gary ordered his team to stand still to allow Plymouth to equalise. And the sporting gesture paid off - Yeovil went on to stun the Championship side 3-2.

The Bonnie & Clyde award for a troublesome twosome:
Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer (Newcastle)

It would be fair to say Bowyer and Dyer are two of the game's more controversial characters. But no-one would have predicted thier extraordinary fracas in the Magpies' 3-0 home loss to Aston Villa.

Credit to Toon boss Graeme Souness, however, for bringing out the punch-drunk pair after the match to issue an apology which left them looking rather like naughty schoolboys.

The Ian Holloway award for madcap banter:
Ian Holloway

Some of Mourinho's more unhinged comments almost rivalled the outbursts from the bonkers Bristolian - but only the QPR boss can be the winner here.

There are almost too many to choose from, but we will settle for these comments about a reporter who claimed QPR defender Danny Shittu would be sold:

"Whoever that was, I'd like to pull his pants down and slap him on the a*** like I used to do to my kids. Apparently I'm not even allowed to do that any more otherwise I'll have the health and safety on to me giving it the old 'hello'."