Mystic May's predictions

Sven asks Zico if he knows any strikers

By John 'Mystic' May BBC Sport Online

The mists are parting but not all is clear. The tea leaves are stuck in the bottom of the cup, the tarot cards are curling at the edges and my crystal ball is on the blink.

But here are my thoughts for the year ahead.

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January: A window opens, in Yorkshire a man with the initials TV is desperately trying to unload a young man, by the name of Lee, who can't keep out of trouble.

Howard Wilkinson boosts his strike force by signing Shaquille O'Neal from the LA Lakers and Hakeem Olajuwon from the Toronto Raptors. "We're lacking a bit of height up front," he says.

February: I see ice, I see snow. I see something big and red going downhill very fast. Is it Austrian skier Hermann Maier? No, it appears to be Liverpool Football Club.

March: Sheffield United win the Worthington Cup.

James Beattie has 25 goals to his credit, but misses out as England bravely hold Leichtenstein to a goalless draw.

Sven-Goran Eriksson bemoans the lack of English strikers.

April: Beattie nets his 30th goal of the season but does not make the England squad.

What slides downhill faster than Franz Klammer?

May: Alex Ferguson wins the ludo game which decides the Premiership title after Manchester United and Arsenal finish level on points, goal difference and goals scored.

I see a bare cupboard on Merseyside. I also see a big red sack. Au revoir, Monsieur H.

Sheffield United complete a domestic cup double, and Sven-Goran Eriksson leaves James Beattie out of the squad for the friendly in South Africa, despite his 42-goal Premiership haul.

"I don't think he's quite ready," he says.

June: Michael Owen signs for Real Madrid.

I see David Beckham buying a Spanish phrase book, looking at Spanish property and eating Spanish omlettes. He catches Spanish flu.

July: Having dabbled with a foreign coach, Liverpool decide to revive the spirit of their old Boot Room. Emlyn Hughes, Jimmy Melia and Jimmy Tarbuck take the reins at Anfield.

August: Howard Wilkinson adds to winter signings O'Neal and Olajuwon, with Tracy McGrady from Orlando Magic, Kwame Brown from Washington Wizards, a giraffe from Chester Zoo, and a man up a very tall ladder.

"We've been lacking a bit of height," says Wilkinson. Air Traffic Control ask to see Sunderland's game plan for the new season.

Wilkinson looks to the skies for inspiration

September: James Beattie starts the new season with eight goals in three games. "He is almost ready, but not quite," says Eriksson as England lose 1-0 in Macedonia after missing three penalties.

October: Oh dear! Woe, woe and thrice woe! England's Euro 2004 hopes are dashed as England lose 1-0 in Turkey.

James Beattie has 14 goals in six games. "I might have a look at him," says Eriksson.

Gerard Houllier returns to English football as manager of Leigh RMI.

November: After a poor start to Sunderland's season, Howard Wilkinson signs a circus stiltwalker, a troupe of Moroccan acrobats and a man who owns a dirigible.

"At last, I have the height up front I have been looking for," he says.

December: Sven-Goran Eriksson's bad luck continues as David Seaman vows to play on for another year.

He calls up James Beattie and asks him to grow his hair.

"I think he is ready now," says Sven.