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By Pranav Soneji
Things to cheer Mr David Haye up after his points defeat by Wladimir Klitschko on Sunday: Watching all three Naked Gun films in a row, playing swingball with a flip-flop, reacquainting himself with the wonder of the whoopee cushion, sitting back and watching the third one-day international between England and Sri Lanka on a glorious sunshine-soaked Sunday morning at Lord's.
Following their 69-run drubbing at Headingley, the England's selectors\u00a0refused to\u00a0hover their collective finger over the\u00a0button which activates the secret hatch to the shark sanctuary as England name an unchanged XI from Leeds. News from the middle - England captain Alastair Cook wins the toss and elects to bat.
Unsurprisingly, the Sri Lankans are unchanged too. Here we go:
England: Kieswetter, Cook, Trott, Pietersen, Morgan, Bell, Bresnan, Swann, Broad, Anderson, Dernbach.
Sri Lanka: Dilshan (capt), Jayawardene, Chandimal, Sangakkara (wk), Kandamby, Mathews, Mendis, Kulasekera, Lakmal, Randiv, Malinga.
Meanwhile, Stuart Broad has been relieved of 50% of his match fee after yet another bout of petulance, this time for having the temerity to question Billy Bowden's\u00a0decision to turn down an lbw appeal at Headingley. To be fair, he should have been fined another 50% for his buffet bowling. Big day at HQ for the Nottingham Forest fan.
From James in Nottingham, TMS inbox: "How is this for a poem: 'Cook and Trott are to slow, So they will have to go.' I fell like giving this to Andy Flower."
Gritty prose from James, any other laurates want to contribute? Do so via the TMS inbox (with "For Pranav Soneji" in the subject title), text 81111 (with the word CRICKET before your message - otherwise it will get lost in the inevitable Wimbers mailbag) or via Twitter (Tweet me on Pranav_Soneji\u00a0or the hashtag #BBCCricket.
Out saunter Alastair Cook and Craig Kieswetter, striding to the wicket with a businessman-style gait. Seats gently filling up at HQ, panamas covering a good 60% of scalps, egg and bacon ties resplendent in the Members' Stand. Angelo Mathews to bowl the first over...
From Craig Johnson, TMS inbox: "Tantobie CC in County Durham are holding a blind cricket tournament to raise funds for Durham Visually Impaired Cricket Club, and to raise awareness of the game. As a sighted team, Tantobie lads will be wearing blindfolds and special goggles to impair our vision. Who needs the ODI? Come to Tantobie!"
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From cromercanary: "Selectors are brave - or stupid. Morgan & Bell should bat higher. If no room for Trott as a result, so be it. Poor decision."
It's not even 1100 and already the first flute of the fizzy stuff is being enjoyed by a man in a salmon-coloured T-shirt, quaffing with an air of authority as Alastair Cook punches the most sumputous back-foot drive you will ever seen him play through cover for a boundary. He never plays that stroke, which goes to show what a belting batting wicket we have in store at Lord's.
Here's a haiku about Lasith Malinga: "His arm is straight, slinging freely, never bent."\u00a0Craig Kieswetter withdraws his bat as Malinga probes outside off stump, presenting his meaty blade in defiance when the ball threatens to career into his stumps. Maiden over.
"I want to see\u00a0one of the England batsmen make a century. They\u00a0keep getting in, get to\u00a020, 30, 40,\u00a0but then keep getting out. England have been missing that in their one-day side. I think they sometimes get carried away,\u00a0but they should\u00a0look\u00a0at Jayawardene's innings on Friday, there was\u00a0no rush, no trying to smash it over the top, he just picked\u00a0it off, whereas the England batsmen get in and then want to smash the ball out of the ground."
Just one over of the Angelo Mathews Experiment (they played Woodstock back in '69) as Nuwan Kulasekara plys his jaunty medium pace to Cook, beating the England skipper outside off stump with a delivery which nibbles off the surface. But the left-hander brushes the aberration aside and cracks another boundary through the offside through point as the bowler offers a bit of width outside off stump.
More boundary exploits from Cook, this time punching a flick off middle and leg through midwicket for the most exquisitely timed boundary, merrily rolling its way across the impeccable, verdant bowling-green lawn and over the ropes. A mere push. A rather misjudged quick single sees Cook having to dive at full length, but a fumble by short midwicket makes the England captain look a tad foolish.
From Dave, TMS inbox: "That's not a haiku! A haiku has 17 syllables, divided into lines of five, seven and five. Yours is 4-4-3."
Haikus in between overs are terribly difficult things to compose, I had a terrible feeling the balance wasn't quite right. Two singles from Kula's second over.
From Roddy Lorimer, Thailand, TMS inbox: "I wonder if the indian bowler Ishant Sharma has heard the John Lennon classic instant Karma. He seems to have managed to 'bed in' well with the Indian test team. Who could forget the cricket loving Lennon when he penned the immortal words 'Imagine all the beamers'."
Kieswetter falls hook, line, sinker and\u00a0copy of Angling Times for a Malinga slower ball, spooning a top edge attempting to hit to the leg side to Suranga Lakmal, who pouches the simplest of catches.
So here's a revision of my Malinga haiku: "His arm is always, straight slinging freely and fast, never bent. Wallop." Trott wafts quite unTrott-like to a ball which swings away in the air before two dot balls end an over so cunning, it's nicked your wallet and admiring the photos your wife.
From booktrunk: "Three an over on a perfect pitch... Sheesh, we have this one-day lark sorted out don't we..."
Cook pushes with no conviction outside off stump, gleaning a thick outside edge to first slip, but the ever so reliable Mahela Jayawardene somehow manages to drop what Phil Tufnell describes as a "goober", or "dolly" to everyone else. For someone as good as he, that's a clanger of Poll Tax proportions. More waftage from Cook, who stares blankly towards the Compton Stand as the ball thuds into Sangakkara's gloves.
From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "For England today, The early overs suggest, Another defeat."
Martin, Wakefield: "Broad is lucky to keep his place. He is not international class with bat or ball."
So after a seat-of-your-pants\u00a02.8 runs and over in the first seven overs of the powerplay, the rate races along to\u00a03.12 as Suranga Lakmal errs a little too wide outside off stump, allowing Alastair Cook to scythe machete-like through thick jungle with a whippy cut through point for four.
"Playing for England should not be an audition to play in another team or captain an England team. You should have your best team out there."
You could cut the home frustration in the air at HQ with the said machete from the previous over as Cook and\u00a0Trott plod\u00a0their way through Kulasekara's over, with Trott fortunate to retain his place at the crease as Tillakaratne Dilshan's shy misses the stumps with\u00a0the batsman struggling to make his ground. However, Cook places another jaunty on-drive for four as the bowler strays on the pads.
Jonathan Trott's excruciating stay (two off 13 deliveries) is finally ended when he scoops a regulation drive straight into the hands of Tillakaratne Dilshan at mid-off. No need to reach for the aspirin.
From Bill Geddes, TMS inbox: "Ref the Haiku discussion. In truth they don't always have 17 syllables but 17 'on' which really is about word weight or lingering. 'Does this really help, the pedant offers nothing, England will fail again.'"
Pietersen gets off the mark with a jaunty clip through midwicket for a couple, much to the relief of the Lord's faithful. At least 4,000\u00a0spectators\u00a0were lamenting their fizzy-stuff\u00a0reserves had the second-wicket partnership continued their painful stand.
Tony Cocozza, London: "It would be charitable on Trott to say he lives up to his name. He should be named 'Snail'."
Cook looks out of his depth attempting to conjure and improvise as Kulasekara probes around off stump. The left-hander attempts an extravagant drive outside but a thick outside edge just falls short of Jayawardene, who scoops the sensationally scoops the ball one-handed on the bounce, saving a certain boundary and ensuring Kula finishes up with a maiden.
From Gareth Calway (on loan from Bristol City poetry duties), TMS inbox: "'Trott is caught between, going over the top and, gone nowhere slowly.' There you are, classic 5-7-5 formation. PS the plural of haiku is haiku."
Kevin Pietersen revives the somnambulic Lord's faithful with a treble of boundaries off Suranga Lakmal, the first whipped off middle stump through midwicket, the second punched down the ground with a glorious straight blade while the third is a thick-edged scythe through point.\u00a0\u00a0Ahhh, that's better.
From BBC Sport's Oliver Brett: "You have to go back, back to Cuttack... in 2008, to find KP's last ODI century. He was captain then, you know."
From Geoff Thomas, TMS inbox: "Kieswetter just three, Trott bowled by Lakmal for two: Here we go again."
\u00a0
Kumar Sangakkara opts to stand up to the stumps to Kulasekara, ensuring KP can't go walkies as he so loves to do to the medium pacers. Plenty of hats on show from the HQ faithful, the panama the boss of them all, the Don Corleone of headwear.
More arrogant strokeplay from Pietersen, taking a couple of pigeon steps down the track and whipping a Lakmal on off stump through midwicket and beyond the leg-side sweeper for four, followed up by another boundary courtesy of a horrendous piece of fielding from Dilshan, who slides over the ball from mid-off, staring at his formerly injured thumb in the process to offer some vestige of excuse for his aberration. Pietersen overtakes Cook on 27 having faced 16 fewer deliveries.
Huge appeal from Kulasekara as KP is hit flush on the boot attempting to hit through the legside on off stump, but umpire Nigel Llong shakes his head and the replays show impact was clearly outside the line of off stump. Pietersen follows that up with a strapping pull through square leg, narrowly avoiding the alarmed Billy Bowden, before clattering into the hoardings for his sixth boundary this morning.
First sign of tweak with Jeevan Mendis and his brand of over-the-wristery antics sees KP play with grudging respect,\u00a0observing the loop and turn before pushing gently away.\u00a0\u00a0
From Orson, trying to stay optimistic, Lincs, TMS inbox: "If England commit,
Hari kari one more time, Pass me the Sake."
Mick James: "Haiku should always mention the season. The height of summer/England fail at Lord's but I'm/Off to Wimbledon."
HQ is pretty much packed with sun-soaked revellers reaching for their various supermarket-packed mezzes as the clock ticks past 1200, an occasion greeted by off-spinner Suraj Randiv's introduction to play. Pietersen survives a tight single with a prod to the man on the 45, who swoops and fells the timbers in one smooth motion at the non-striker's end, but KP's rangy reach ensures he's well within his ground.
From Gregory Thompson, TMS inbox: "My favourite haiku is from the great John Cooper Clarke: 'To convey one's mood/ in seventeen syllables/ is very diffic'"
Three singles accompany the start of Randiv's second over, but nothing to make one choke on his organic chorizo in stunned surprise. The rest of the over is all dot balls as Cook plods with no real shot-scoring conviction.
A flighty KP drive just evades the outstretched left hand of Randiv, accompanied by a chorus of "ooooohs" from the crowd. My colleague Oliver Brett says the staid middle overs should be done in haiku style. One loves a challenge...
Pietersen clearly wants to bully Mendis and dictate proceedings, but a slog sweep gleans more top edge than middle, sending the ball high and not far enough as Suraj Randiv composes himself and pouches securely five yards inside the boundary rope.
"KP was trying to take\u00a0on Mendis and dominate him but that was probably\u00a0an unnecessary gamble at this stage. It was sweep-slog which he didn't quite get\u00a0hold of and Randiv took an excellent catch."
The slow-motion replay shows Pietersen, mouth wide open - so wide you could probably fit a tangerine between his lips - as he realises what has just happened. Forget the left-arm spin hex - that's the third successive time he has been dismissed by Jeevan Mendis in this series. In comes Eoin Morgan, who picks a googly and pushes into the off side.
From BBC Sport's Oliver Brett: "There's so much focus on Englad's three 'plodders' - Cook, Trott and Bell - that everyone seems to have forgotten Pietersen's record in ODIs is very poor in recent years. Since his last ODI century (in 2008) he has only had two scores of 50 or more despite getting a number of very encouraging starts. Today's innings was a case in point."
The KP haiku: "Pietersen advanced, the top edge\u00a0pouched by\u00a0Lakmal,\u00a0KP shuffles dejected." \u00a0Just one run from Lakmal's fifth over.
Fresh from a blistering boundary through midwicket, Morgan is trapped leg before in front of his stumps attempting to push into the legside. Mendis\u00a0exclaims a sound\u00a0as if an elephant has trod on his foot - and up goes Billy Bowden's finger.
From Herbie, TMS inbox: "Staid middle overs? No chance with England batting,
Wicket always close."
Senor Hawkeye suggests the ball would have clipped the top of leg stump, so excellent decision from the crooked finger, despite Morgan's silent protestations. New-man Ian Bell gets off the mark with an easy single, a push to long on. Nice variations from the leggie, wouldn't be surprised to see him make his Test bow soon.
"This is a perfect opportunity for Ian Bell, he's got time on his side to play a proper\u00a0innings. England are\u00a0in trouble and no-one goes on and gets a big score.\u00a0Fifty overs is a long time to bat, it's not a Twenty20.\u00a0Everyone talks about Trott and Cook, but at least Cook is still there!
Bell chops Lakmal down to third man. Kandamby, whose chunky physique belies a fielder of impressive efficiency, dives at mid-on to keep Cook to a single. Sri Lanka, for whom victory today would make it 10 wins in 15 ODIs in England, are buzzing about enthusiastically.
Mendis, whose action is not dissimilar to that of the rebuffed Yorkshire leggie Adil Rashid, twirling away. Cook goes block, block, single. Bell sweeps for one. And a rare boundary now - Cook gets one wide and short and cuts it for four.
"It's a bit unfair when people say 'the reason I slogged it up in the air is because you weren't getting any runs'. He's had three goes at it and people are putting Cook on the scrapheap already. That's all that's wrong with English cricket, you've got to give people a chance and see if Cook can adapt his game. Michael Atherton wrote him off before he'd even played a match and he must be under immense pressure."
From Dave, London, TMS inbox: "Ref. Mick James - Haiku should mention the season, eh? 'England fans! In deepest / Winter of our discontent / Utter, utter (removed by ed)."
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From kumaranface: "Great ODI sides have had flexible batting line-ups according to the situation. England continue to follow one way and learn after the game."
"Cook has never shown any credentials to be a good one-day batsman. He's a good Test batsman and they should leave him to get on with that form of the game."
Lasith Malinga removes his sunhat to reveal his resplendent locks moulded around his choice of hatwear. A slower ball deceives Sangakkara behind the stumps, nutmegged on the second bounce and third man Dinesh Chandimal completely misses the ball with his slide on the ropes, bouncing over for four byes.\u00a0A comedy of errors to entertain the so-far glum Lord's faithful, whose collective moods will not have been improved by the large swathes of clouds which have descended over NW8.
Unspectacular, England need inspiration, Cook and Bell are dull. \u00a0Three runs from Mendis' sixth over.
Cook clips a leg-stump half-volley off his pads and through square leg for four - a proper gimme from Malinga and moves to within three of a half ton - reaching the accolade with the final ball of the over, a fine tickle around the corner for his six one-day 50 in an England shirt. His highest score is 102 - England would take that right now.
From Mark, Glasgow: "Re: Roddy, Thailand - Lennon also famously wrote a song directed at India's predominantly spin-based attack of the 1970s when he implored them to 'Give Pace a Chance'."
More restricty twirly bowlery from Mendisery, three miserly singles.
From Phil in the bath: "We sit and we read our cherished live text/Becoming increasingly and ever more vexed/Let's have a boundary, turn ones into twos/Or go at your pace, but I think you will lose."
Here comes Suraj Randiv, swivelling on his left toe at the point of delivery like\u00a0every\u00a0text-book off-spinner's action should do, floating six well-directed deliveries and restricting the fifth-wicket duo to five singles.
Mendis has been as tight as the Famous Flames ryhthm section, offering nothing to tuck into as both Bell and Cook, prod, nurdle and collect five singles.
Shaun Patrick has sent me a picture of the man sat in front of him in the Mound Stand who has forgotten to\u00a0take the price tag off his new hat. Shaun, you are a naughty man - that's exactly the sort of thing I would do. Three runs from Randiv and the flutes are still brimming with golden goodness.
Bell survives as he attempts a slog sweep off the tidy Mendis, but heaves the ball too straight and only just evades the onrushing hands of long on, collecting a double for his troubles. Four singles, which keeps the run-rate\u00a0floating the 4.31 mark.
Ooooh tight lbw shout by Randiv as Bell plays across the line to a straight delivery but fails to make contact. Umpire Nigel Llong is unmoved, a bit like England's total.
From Andy in the lower Edrich, Lord's, TMS inbox: "Slogsweep to midwicket = moo to Cow Corner."
"The short boundary\u00a0at the Pavilion\u00a0End is acting like a siren to the England batsmen looking for a slog-sweep against the turn to try to get it over the ropes.\u00a0The leg-spinner Mendis has bowled well with a bit of drop on the ball and overspin. This is a perennial problem for England when there's spin in the middle overs. They're not able to get a run a ball, are finding the fielders\u00a0and not keeping the score ticking over."
The word soporific could have been invented to describe the (non)events at Lord's right now as Cook pushes to 64, with Bell plodding on 25.
A murmur of interest/hope around Lord's as umpire Llong draws two large imaginary circles to indicate a batting powerplay at the mandatory ball change. Lasith Malinga clearly hasn't read the script as he restricts the scoring to four singles and a\u00a0wide\u00a0as the murmur turns into a full-blown groan.\u00a0
Soneji's 35th-over drinks interval haiku: "Run scoring\u00a0is scarce, even with the powerplay, Malinga is tight."
From The_Trellis5000: "Day of unmitigated boredom at the cricket. The online commentator at #bbccricket seems to have fallen asleep."
Nuwan Kulasekara returns - and is appealing for a caught and bowled as Cook mis-hits a drive via his foot into his hands. Umpire Billy B asks for the third umpire's view - and the ball clearly made contact with the track before nestling in Kula's mitts. Still nothing more than singles with only two men outside the circle, but kudos to the Sri Lankan seamers offering no length to wallop.
From KeithPeries: "Just seen Pippa Middleton at Lord's. Don't know what she was wearing, I just stood there gawping at her as she walked by me..."
Lakmal returns and offers up a juicy half volley first up - but there's no elaborate follow through from Cook as he hits to mid-off, where Malinga makes a brilliant dive to stop a certain boundary, a fact appreciated by the slinger who beams a smile as broad as the English Channel as he dusts himself down from off the hallowed turf. Tellingly, no boundaries since the 27th boundary - and Bell is caught at third man attempting a Sehwag-style aerial upper cut - but straight into the hands of Nuwan Kulasekara. Ah.
From bossbeechyscoop: "I would pinpoint the moment England's ODI strategy went awry to when they sacked @adamhollioake as skipper."
From Zacc, Bermuda, TMS inbox: "Powerplay haiku: 'Powerplay you say? / That must be fun? Not like-ly / Cook and Bell won't play.' Even threw in a rhyme for good measure! (not sure what the etiquette with rhyming within haikus is...)"
"When you take the batting powerplay is crucial, why not delay it, keep the score ticking over and take it in the 42nd or 43rd over when the innings is set. Now they have to recover and next in is Tim Bresnan and for me he is batting a bit too high. He can bat but seven is too high and he has to be cagey how he plays. This is a good pitch, 280-300 is a good score, but England are going to struggle to make 250."
Big burly Tim Bresnan is the new man - and is wafting at fresh air as the impressive Kulasekara probes outside off stick. At last, a rare double in the\u00a0penultimate over of the powerplay as Bell flicks towards leg.
From Northernhorners: "Glad I turned down two tickets at 80 quid a pop - Pulp at Hyde Park looking the much more entertaining option."
From InnoBystander: "Luke Wright never got a chance & was a cheap target of the chattering masses."
The boundary famine is finally broken as Cook squirms a brutish thick-edged boundary over point for four off Malinga, whose radar is momentarily off-kilter. Normal service is resumed as he leaves Bresnan groping outside off stump like a fumbling teenager with a belter of a slower ball, so much disguise and skill to deliver. Cook is 21 runs short of a ton.
The sum of England's batting powerplay bonus? 24-1 from five overs. I can hear the sound of the press corps' scimitars sharpening ahead of the post-match press conference already. Thilina Kandamby, the stand-in Twenty20 captain, bowls a rather jolly bunch of leg-breaks, including a filthy full toss which Cook dispatches towards Cow Corner for a boundary.
Cook carves just short of Jayawardene at backward point as Randiv rumbles in from around the wicket. The England captain retrieves and tosses the ball back to the bowler in a\u00a0friendly village game style as he dead-bats a straight delivery before stealing the strike with the final delivery of the over.
Cook scores his 1,000th one-day run turning a wide leg-side delivery from Lakmal beyond the rather lame dive by Kandamby for four, a boundary which moves him into the 90s from 117 deliveries. Four more follow as Bresnan pushes into the leg side.
From herbiestarkey: "KP to retire soon? You heard it here first."
Cut moves ever closer to a second one-day ton with a chopped double past the keeper off Randiv. Jonathan Ribee asks: "So, this Cook bloke then. Should we drop him?" No doubt he asks that with a mischievous look in his eye primed for the barrage of yays and nays from the English cricket-loving public and further afield.
Cook brings up the 200 with a thin inside via his pad for a single, although Suranga Lakmal is absolutely aghast to see his lbw appeal turned down. Two reasons for that - one, Cook got wood on leather and two, the ball pitched outside the line of\u00a0leg stump. The over is interrupted by a protestor waving a red flag onto the hallowed turf, soon tackled to the ground by an army of swift-moving stewards.
Malinga still has three overs left, but it is Randiv back into the attack, Cook moving to 99 with a drive down to long-on. Bresnan puts his skipper swiftly back on strike and after a couple of nervous shots, Cook pushes down to long-off for his second ODI ton, coming off 127 balls.
"Well played Alastair Cook.\u00a0He did his job at the top of the order, it's a shame some of the others couldn't stay with him.\u00a0Alastair will be very pleased with his century."
Cook spoons a drive to long-off for a couple as Malinga delves into yorker territory while Bresnan just about fends a brilliantly disguised slower-ball yorker, a rather ungainly stroke but effective nonetheless. Cook - dropped by Mahela Jayawardene early in his innings - enjoys a second slice of fortune when Kandamby drops a tough catch running in from third man as Cook slices a thick edge high into the cloud-covered skies...
Cook premediates a Dilscoop - only Lakmal's delivery is well outside off stump,\u00a0abandoning his attempts to plonk the ball over his shoulder in favour of a push towards third man for a single. Still no maximums in England's innings - Cook attempts to address the issue with a horrid mooey, but manages a thick outside edge down to third man. Ugly, but somehow eight runs notched from the over.
From Mike Bell, TMS inbox: "Look, it's simple. Alastair Cook is too beautiful to be wasted on the ODI altar. Leave him to open Test innings as a class act."
A full-stretched one-handed dive from Mahela Jayawardene prevents a certain boundary as Bresnan meatily heaves\u00a0through extra cover, gratefully appreciated by his bowler. Cook is utterly bamboozled by a slower ball yorker which sneaks under his bat and beyond his off stump, so much disguise and skill to execute that. Bresnan squeezes a couple more but Sri Lanka have this innings by the throat.
At last Cook makes contact with a couple of dalliances down the track, the first a mighty heave over long-on before a meaty flat-bat swipe through midwicket for boundaries. But disaster strikes needlessly when Cook runs a pointless single as Bresnan misses a delivery from Kulasekara with the final delivery of the over - and Sangakkara's gather and throw dislodges the bails with the England skipper well short of his ground.
"A real captain's innings from Cook. He will be delighted, although he sacrificed his wicket. Without\u00a0Cook England would be in a\u00a0pretty sorry state, but at least he's given England a target to bowl at."
Two wides from Kulasekara to new-man Stuart Broad before sneaking one through - just - into Sangakkara's gloves.
More brilliance from Malinga, spearing an inswinging yorker into Bresnan's toes, clattering various bits of bat, pad and boot before ricocheting on to the stumps. Breezy from Brez, 26 from 29 deliveries. Cook's 119 consumed 143 deliveries.
Broad, joined at the crease by Swann, just about spoons another slower ball of mastery from Malinga over the bowler's head. But Swann ends the innings in emphatic fashion with a bullocking six off leg stump over midwicket before squirming a thick outside edge fine past third man for four. A huge cheer erupts around HQ, the first real emotion from the packed rafters all day. England have a sort-of competitive total, but Sri Lanka will be eyeing the 247-run winning target\u00a0like Andy Moles eyeing the last bakewell tart at a particularly generous Edgbaston tea.
"A few late hits have helped England\u00a0to a decent\u00a0 total in the end.They lost their way in the middle overs which\u00a0cost them 20-30 runs.\u00a0Field like demons, bowl well, take a couple of early wickets\u00a0and England have a chance. It\u00a0should be a good game."
So we're back in 35 minutes with Sri Lanka chasing 247 to go 2-1 up in the five-match series. Time for munchies. See you shortly... meanwhile Test Match Special will be debating all things\u00a0England\u00a0with some of the national press...
Well, I'm Oliver Brett, substituting for Pranav Soneji. Since he's having a slightly better day than England's cricketers (thus far) I thought he deserved a longer break. Meanwhile, as Novak Djokovic wins the first set against Rafael Nadal, somewhere in another London postcode England are set to defend 246-7 against Sri Lanka. It's Mahela on strike, and Jimmy Anderson with the new ball.
Bit more cloud cover at Lord's which might help Anderson get swing, but nothing much happens here. As early as ball three, Jayawardene is confident to hit his cut shot way over backward point's head for four. Dilshan watches his first ball sail harmlessly into Kieswetter's gloves but is then beaten by a much fuller one which leaves him off the seam.
\u00a0A wide half-volley from Bresnan is met with an authoritative Jayawardene cover-drive for four, his foot down the wicket to the pitch of the ball. A suggestion of outswing and the Lord's slope takes one away from the bat - not far from the edge at all.
Pietersen gets some action at square-leg, diving about to keep Dilshan to one, then Jayawardene chops a single to third-man. Anderson tests out the middle of the wicket, Dilshan swivelling with balletic movement to get his pull shot out, but it's hit too close to the fielder down there and it's just one for the Sri Lankan total. An MCC member politely puts down his newspaper to help the batsmen sight the ball, but the white benches there can't help matters much either.
Proper junk from Bresnan - that could've been two double-orders of deep-fried Mars bars [other caramel-filled chocolate bars available] - and Jayawardene smashes it over the gully region for four, helped out by a slight misfield from Stuart Broad. Bresnan comes back with an lbw appeal, but that's missing leg. Now Dilshan misses a straight one - he's gone, bowled off peg.
"Dilshan survived the shoulder charge earlier in the over\u00a0but\u00a0that was\u00a0an absolute snorter from Bresnan. Dilshan\u00a0is an explosive\u00a0batsman and has gone\u00a0for three to one heck of a delivery\u00a0- that\u00a0will give\u00a0England great confidence."
That one that got Dilshan did nothing special, but it was certainly bowled in "the right areas" (apologies for use of cliche). Now, are England back in it? Anderson tries a short one, but on this wicket and in the form he's in Jayawardene can pull those away for four with ease, and so he does. Now Anderson goes full on leg-stump and he's glanced fine for four more. This is bad Jimmy, World Cup Jimmy. Can we have the other one please?
Driven on the up, West Indian style, by Jayawardene - all along the deck between cover and mid-off for four. Now he has two more through midwicket. This opening role seems to suit him down to the ground.
Thank you Oliver, not so much the Sancho Panza to my Quixote but more the Statler to my Waldorf. Soneji/Waldorf: "Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next powerplay? Statler/Brett: We can't. We're bolted to the seats!" Meanwhile, Mahela Jayawardene is currently making the England new-ball attack look like Muppets with his silky strokeplay, the honey-dripped drives, the caramel pulls, the syrupy flicks while Dinesh Chandimal goes for the stodgy swot, making contact with the ball high above his head with both feet off the ground down to the midwicket boundary.
Bresnan overpitches and Chandimal tucks in with a boorish drive through extra cover for four. Meanwhile, I have just consumed the most middle-class lunch possible - Edamame soya bean salad with a chili and corriander dressing accompanied by spiced butternut , feta and cranberries. Anyone beat that for pomposity?
More leg-sidery delight from Jayawardene, punching on the up through mid-on for three before a sumputous flick off his hip through square leg, racing along to 40 from just 34 deliveries. Effortless batting, all classical strokeplay too. I hate him.
From Shaun, TMS inbox: "I\u2019ve just had a Doner Kebab Pot Noodle. Does that count?"
Stand-and-deliver tactics from Chandimal, shifting his front leg 12 inches to the left before lacing Bresnan a drive on the up through extra cover for four, a boundary which Ravi Shastri would say went like a "tracer bullet". Chandimal clearly enjoyed that, judging by the crescent-shaped smile which lights up his face. A slice of fortune for Chandimal a few deliveries later\u00a0as a thick top edge evades mid-on, picking up a couple more for his efforts.
England were 32-2 after 10 overs, which exemplifies Sri Lanka's dominance in this match so far. Stuart Broad, relieved of 50% of his Headingley match fee for some needless petulance, attempts to consolidate the damage, working up towards the late 80s in the mph counter, but can't stem the singles counter - five in total for the over.
From Steve/North Cyprus, TMS inbox: "Ravi Shastri has obviously not served with the colours otherwise he would know that trace bullets do not travel any quicker than another. Bring back national service. Oh and get rid of Broad."
\u00a0
"That's why it looks dark - I've still got my sunglasses on! I'll take them off now. Completely forgot I still had them on. There was me thinking they'd need the floodlights on soon!"
From Mattharding007: "I thought this pitch was tricky to score boundaries on? Oh no - that's only for England." #bbccricket
Here comes Jade Dernbach - possibly the only England cricketer to be named after an off-green\u00a0colour - for his first over of the day, but is dismissed for various singles by this second-wicket pair - with Jayawardene three runs short of yet another half ton.
Jayawardene eases a liquid single to bring up his 57th one-day half century from 46 deliveries as Stuart Broad attempts to summon a demon or two under this belting Lord's wicket, but they've all gone to Wimbledon for the day.
The TV director is doing Alastair Cook no favours as he plonks an index finger inside his nostril for an excavation moments before Jayawardene spanks an attempted slower ball through cover point for his eighth boundary of the day, all along the carpet and played with consummate elegance.
Anon: "Hello from the people who had the umbrella in Compton upper row T - not due to rain but due to full pigeons! \u00a375 per ticket, 30+ people covered and gone home! We are now watching on the screens by the academy! Known issue! No action by MCC as per usual! Madness!"
Broad ramps up the short-ball tactics to Dinesh Chandimal, clattering the splice of the number three's blade and spooning the ball high into the air and into the area where a short leg would have been stationed. Moments later England summon Samit Patel - wearing an inside-out illuminous training vest - for a helmet to test out the 21-year-old's mettle. And he responds with a horrendous attempted mow towards Kilburn but forgets to make contact with the ball. Broad exchanges a few terse words along with a stern eyeballing. Still, Chandimal survives and is unbeaten on 26.
From Padster77: "Looking like a bad weekend sportingwise for all things British, the way the cricket is going."
Dernbach continues the short-ball dosage for Chandimal, who responds with\u00a0a strange-looking Dilscoop, paddling the ball finer than he would have\u00a0anticipated but with sufficient willow to clatter the advertising hoardings before a double-handed backhand swipe through midwicket for his fifth boundary of the afternoon.
Stuart Broad is bowling as fast as he has ever bowled for England, consistently touching over 90mph, spiking at 93mph. And he's got the control to match, restricting Jayawardene to four solid forward defensive strokes.
"Stuart Broad's bowling with wheels but unfortunately there's no Crawford. There's no Cindy - by which I mean no shape or movement."
From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "Blimey, my under-12s kabaddi side could bowl better than this. And I don't even have an under-12s kabaddi side (though I'd buy a season ticket if someone were to set one up around here)."
Kabaddi, wonderful sport - the mighty West Bengal were almost invincible when it was broadcast in Channel Four all those years ago, although Punjab used to give them a right good wrestle, unlike what we've seen in this game so far - Chandimal and Jayawardene could be muttering kabaddi endlessly in one breath while batting and still continue to stroke unruffled singles and glassy boundaries. Swann's first over is pushed for four simple runs.
Stuart Broad exclaims a primeval scream as Jayawardene clips a full delivery off middle stump between midwicket and long on for another luxurious boundary. A touch of desperation from Craig Kieswetter as his lone cry pierces the silence around Lord's appealing for a caught behind dismissal which was nowhere near Jayawardene's bat. Desperate times for the Somerset stumper, although full (Victor) marks for the effort.
Deft craftage from Jayawardene, opening the face of the blade and running Swann down to backward point for a single as a man in the stands pours the remaining remnants of a rather expensive brand of champagne into his glass, watching with the sort of gaze parents reserve for their sleeping toddlers. Quite clearly his refuge will be found in that rather expensive tot.
From Anon: "Seems a waste of time having the stumps on the pitch when Stuart Broad's bowling. Unless there's a run-out I suppose."
Impeccable judgement from Jayawardene, applying the perfect weight to double up to Stuart Broad before a gentle push for a simple single to mid-on. The maligned Broad squares up Chandimal with a ripper - rearing and moving off the seam to flirt outrageously with the outside edge, following that delivery up with a nasty, fiery short ball played with little convinction by the junior member of the second-wicket partnership. Sri Lanka's current run rate - 5.95. The required run rate - 4.20. Not difficult, is it?
"Just a smidge over four an over is all Sri Lanka\u00a0require. This is very one-sided. Put coloured clothing on the England team and they look unsure with no controlled aggression.\u00a0Sri Lanka,\u00a0on the other\u00a0hand,\u00a0with coloured clothing\u00a0know exactly what they need to do."
Haiku time: The flighty Swann toils, his wings clipped by a blue duo, two more runs added.
A boy with one of the best examples of a bowl haircut stretches with something close to\u00a0disdain in the stands as Jayawdene moves to 79 with three runs off the returning Anderson, who finds a touch of reverse with the older ball but nothing to concern either batsman.
From TShow77: "I hope nobody is gonna complain that they injured their big toe in training after this game."
Just when Mahela Jayawardene was all set for his second successive three-figure score, he squirts a wide delivery outside off stump straight into the hands of Eoin Morgan at point. Wicket bought with a\u00a0filthy delivery - but no-one in red and blue gives two hoots about the aesthetics.
"Jayawardene couldn't believe he bowled another one so wide\u00a0but one thing about Jade Dernbach\u00a0is that\u00a0he won't duck a challenge. He runs in and has a go, believes he will take wickets and believes he belongs out there.\u00a0A\u00a0fortuitous wickets, yes, but he's got the ball swinging now."
Kumar Sangakkara takes his guard and immediately unravels one of his textbook cover drives to the off-side sweeper for a single. Chandimal flirts with danger with a risky open-bladed late cut just beyond the outstretched grasp of Graeme Swann at second slip as the ball runs along to the rope for four very dodgy runs. England not exactly out of the equation just yet.\u00a0
Nice shape from Anderson, swinging the ball away from Sangakkara's blade from around the wicket, keeping the wicketkeeper penned inside his crease until the ultimate delivery, pushed for a single. Meanwhile, the discarded Paul Collingwood has taken 2-6 from two overs for Durham against Worcestershire in a Twenty20.
Quality fielding from Bresnan, sprawling at full stretch on the offside boundary to curtail a punchy Sangakkara drive through cover off Dernbach, who has yet to swing the ball back in to the left-hander during his\u00a0fledgling innings. Sanga adds a couple more for good measure before once against stealing the strike with a single from the last delivery of the over.
Anderson continues to baffle Sangakkara, including a delivery which moves discernably off the pitch, past the outside edge and into Kieswetter's gloves. More frugalness from the Burnley Express, easily England's best bowler.
From Hati, Dorset: "Captain Cook Despairs/ of terribly wayward balls/ where are the wickets?"
Dernbach strays on Chandimal's legs as the ball kisses the top of the pad and past the outstretched Kieswetter for four leg-byes but the rest of the over is more impressive, extracting considerable reverse swing,\u00a0offering nothing for\u00a0the number three to tuck into.
While Ronnie O'Sullivan is declaring a "bromance" for Novak Djokovic on Twitter, Sangakkara moves to double figures with a supremely well-judged double into the leg side off the returning Bresnan. Meanwhile, Colly has taken two more wickets at the Riverside - comeback for Trent Bridge for Sunnerlund's finest?
Chandimal moves one run short of his half ton with a pig-ugly off-side mow but the ball lands safely to turn back for a couple, to the chagrin of the increasingly exasperated Jade Dernbach, who leaks six wides in the over, five of which come from the very first ball of the over.
On TMS, Simon Hughes speculates that Tim Bresnan is under pressure for his place in the side... and that won't help as Sangakkara pulls a loose offering through the gap at midwicket for four. Strange, toe-ended pull from Chandimal lands safely and gets him to 50. Bresnan issues a strangled appeal for lbw, but that's not out.
Time for a brief refreshment for the players as Sri Lanka need just 79 to win.
"Last throw of the dice forr England. Stuart Broad bowling and he's steaming in but hasn't had much luck."
Push-drive from Chandimal off Broad, and that's the best one he's timed in the best part of an hour. Four easy runs. Now Broad swings one way down the leg-side for five wides. Cart, horses, wheels... you do the rest...
The boisterous Chandimal exchanges the extravagant strokeplay in favour of conversative with a small c defence, fending the probing Swannage with respect reserved for celebrity chefs and various members of girl bands.
The Broadler homes in a brutish yorker which is\u00a0dug out admirably by Sangakkara, although the sublime is soon followed by the ridiculous, this time a leg-side wide. Probably the best spell of bowling from England, just five runs conceded in the past two overs.\u00a0\u00a0
Mandatory ball change, brought to you by fourth umpire Jeremy Lloyds, one of the best pointers on the county circuit. I love a pointy umpire - Trevor Jesty was another along with Mervyn Kitchen. Four runs from Graeme Swann's fifth over, a resigned air of despondency permeates from each of the 11 England fielders.
"No matter who is captaining the team, England's problem in one-day cricket has always been that they don't have the impact players, the players that can win you matches with a burst of wickets or runs with the bat."
Too much length from Broad, allowing Sangakkara to connect with a grandiose on drive, complete with ritzy flourish, for four. Sanga doesn't even waste his energy running.\u00a0\u00a0Probably shot of the day too.
From Paul in Spain, TMS inbox: "I don't get it. A side wants 64 to win off 16 overs with 8 wickets in hand. The only way for the fielding side to win is to take 8 wickets. Hence all-out attack is the only plan that can win. Five or six men round the bat in catching positions and try to bowl wicket taking balls. Bowling wides down the leg side in an effort to bowl dot balls is as pointless as a side trailing 6-0 in a footy match pulling 10 men back into their own penalty area."
Just as Spanish Paul rants, Swann strikes as he floats a tempter too tempting to ignore outside off stump as Sangakkara drills an off drive to Eoin Morgan at short cover, catching the ball with both feet off the ground. Sangakkara furiously shakes his head in disbelief, indicating his intentions to guide his side home to their second victory. New man is Thilina Kandamby, another southpaw.
More chin music for Chandimal, but Broad's not quite in the same league as Curtly Ambrose or Patrick Patterson, the only bowler Graham Gooch felt genuine fear facing in his prime. And to compound Broad's miserable afternoon, Chandimal squeezes a paddle-pull beyond fine leg for four runs - there endth his 1oth over; 10-0-52-0. Ouch.
Kandamby punches Swann back over his head for four before a theoretical lbw appeal from around the wicket to Chandimal, complete with double appeal with both arms raised aloft, imploring umpire Nigel Llong to lift his index finger. The former Kent batsmen does not oblige - and Swann has more than a reasonable case to be miffed as Hawkeye shows the ball would have clattered into middle stump. 42 to win from 11 overs. Yeah, me too.
"I don't think James Anderson's sledge over his shoulder will do much good after he's just been slotted into the Grand Stand for six."
A\u00a0man in the classic Lord's uniform - oxford blue shirt, chinos and a panama hat - takes a thrilling catch\u00a0four rows into\u00a0the lower tier of the Grand Stand as Dinesh Chandimal pulverishes James Anderson with a brutish smear on the up through midwicket. Great take from Sir, wringing his hand for comedic effect. Four more follow as the number three wallops a thick edge down beyond third man.
From Will: "The Tavern Stand and interest in the cricket is waining. Some silly chap got upset because I spilt his beverage by mistake. What is the Members and Friends stand coming to?"
Six more for the Sri Lankans off Swann, all terribly easy as the camera pans to the increasing masses heading for the Grace Gates.
Sensing his opportunities for a second one-day ton dwindling, Chandimal takes a couple of steps down the track and hoiks Dernbach over cover for four. The bowler rubs his chin and opts against an exchange of unpleasantries with the batsmen, probably a wise move with the end in sight. 18 runs to win - 14 runs for Chandimal's ton.
Swanny drops to one knee for another lbw decision and this time Nigel Llong agrees, trapping Kandamby in front. Hints of an inside edge at first glance but the replay suggests there was no willow in between. The words "horse", "stable", "door" and "bolted" spring to mind.
"There's certainly plenty of\u00a0cause for concern for England not just with the batting, but\u00a0the type of bowlers they have\u00a0and the form\u00a0of cricket\u00a0they are they playing.\u00a0They need to play without fear and they they need to find a method\u00a0to be\u00a0successful in all conditions across the world."
Chandimal saunters down the track and obliterates a full delivery from Dernbach through extra cover, where Pietersen makes an excellent semi-stop, as the 21-year-old adds a simple double to his tally, moving into the 90s. New-man Angelo Mathews shoulders arms as Dernbach probes outside off stump, offering no attacking intent to ensure Chandimal has a good shot for three figures.
From Andy Smith, TMS inbox: "Just a thought for our commentators who seem to think that Bresnan is playing for his place: his figures suggest he's been the best of the pace bowlers. Apart from that, what is wrong with these talented players. So good and yet so bad."
Chandimal takes an early single off Swann - and Mathews prolongs the agony with five text-book forward defensives.
From Bob in Warner Stand: "As a member Will can I remind you we like to spill our own drinks."
The batting powerplay is taken - little choice really - and Chandimal turns down an easy single from the first ball of Tim Bresnan's eighth over, prompting a mid-wicket conference with Mathews. Steady on there Dinesh, don't want egg on your face with the game pretty much in the bag.\u00a0Chandimal plays an audicious Dilscoop, but gets his shoulders mixed up, fending over his right shoulder instead of left, but Craig Kieswetter can't cling on to the very difficult chance, pushing the ball over the bar for a couple.
"Yet another dot ball, the captain is not happy and the 12th man is about to bring a pair of gloves out and tell them to get on with it, win the game and stop being so silly. The captain can't understand this. This should be\u00a0about the team not personal landmarks. How often do you see a maiden in the 47th over batting second in one-day cricket?"
The camera pans to Tillakaratne Dilshan on the balcony - and the Sri Lankan skipper looks agitated - in fact agitated doesn't even begin to describe his expression as Jade Dernbach bowls out a maiden in the powerplay, with Mathews turning down the easiest single so Chandimal can have the strike. This could end up very messy...\u00a0
Tim Bresnan's first ball is a corker - a yorker right in the blockhole. His second, however, is spanked high and mightily over long-on for six, shifting his left leg out of the way\u00a0so his bat can accelerate\u00a0through at the point of impact. Cue some relieved Sri Lankans on the balcony and in the stands. Two more runs to win.
From Lenny Ranks, TMS inbox: "It doesn't help with all the Twittering, blogging, e-mail criticising England performances.Too much dissecting of individual weaknesses. Sometimes you just get outplayed and you have to give the deserved credit to the better team. Well done Sri Lanka."
\u00a0
Chandimal drops to one knee and shovels James Anderson over cover for four, securing a six-wicket victory and a 2-1 lead in the five-match series.
Chandimal remains unbeaten on 105, his second one-day ton, while England's selectors have serious concerns heading into the fourth one-dayer at Trent Bridge. No-one's particularly safe but there are some candidates more at risk than others. But then again, what are the alternatives? Nirmaljit Sandhu points out the contributions of Mr E Xtras, a robust 25. Inexcusable.
"Sri\u00a0Lanka\u00a0deserve to go 2-1 up in the series. All\u00a0their cricket was very good and they outplayed England. England\u00a0need to take\u00a0a close look at themselves. They need to make a couple of changes before Trent Bridge, they need to change the bowling attack to freshen the team up. At the moment\u00a0Sri Lanka are very comfortable.\u00a0It's frustrating as an England fan because we've had these problems going back to the 90s but we still lack the impact players."
From Charith Wijesinghe, TMS inbox: "Positively livid with both Chandimal and Mathews, this is a team sport. Was supporting England for a while there."
Wilf and Tom, Lord's: "Even though the cricket was not great viewing....Pippa Middleton certainly was."
Third one-day\u00a0haiku: "Lo! Sri Lanka triumph,\u00a0England suffer the Lord's wrath, Trent Bridge awaits on Wednesday." See you then.
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