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By Pranav Soneji
As the former Jamaican dancehall great Tenor Saw famously sang, "Ring the alarm". The Australian press are close to meltdown having watched England pulverise\u00a0the hosts for four solid days in Adelaide. "Burn the bails," demands the Herald Sun\u00a0while the Daily Telegraph has published a foolproof raindance for its readers to hasten the arrival of the dreaded nimbostratus clouds over the South Australia skies.\u00a0 The English press would NEVER stoop to such levels, tsk, the media these days...\u00a0
On Twitter: "Stuart Broad not in great shape apparently after scan on strained stomach."
From Michael Clarke: "Come on boys.. Northy and Huss going to have the day of their lives today.. We can do this.. Get behind us Aussie... We can do this."
From Kevin Pietersen: "Sun is out.. Beautiful day tweeps!! Come on England.."
"Two hours to go till scheduled start, skies sill blue and mainly cloudless. Let's get on with this..."
News just in -\u00a0Jonathan Agnew\u00a0tells us that Stuart Broad has been unable to bowl in the nets this morning and we are awaiting an announcement about the Nottinghamshire seamer's future on this tour having suffered a side strain yesterday.\u00a0 Judging by the gravitas of that last sentence, it sounds as if his tour could be coming to an abrupt end.
From Richard, Sydney, TMS inbox: "I loved Alton Towers as a kid and insisted on going every birthday. Thing is, I\u2019d get so pant-wettingly excited about the Black Hole, Corkscrew and Pirate Boat, I\u2019d have vivid nightmares the night before about being mistakenly left at home \u2013 that awful feeling of seeing something you want so badly slip out of your grasp. I think I had the adult equivalent last night."
We've just seen the affected area on Broad's stomach - and it looks as if someone has squeezed a squash ball into his side.\u00a0 It's a huge purple circle and it looks painful. The BBC's Simon Hughes spoke to Broad this morning and\u00a0the fast bowler says he is set to fly home and could spend up to 10 weeks on the sidelines, which also puts his World Cup campaign in jeopardy. However, England have plenty of cover - take your pick from Ajmal Shahzad, Tim Bresnan or Chris Tremlett.\u00a0 But Broad's loss is going to be huge.
Plenty of you have emailed in about the poor quality of sound on the TMS stream, with Aggers and co replaced by "daleks", according to Carl Harris.\u00a0 Davros in the AV team is on the case, although he's also planning on taking over the world and finding some make-up to soften his roughened complexion.
It's official - Stuart Broad will miss the rest of the Ashes and one-day series because of an abdominal strain. Sad news, get well soon Stu. More news to follow.
"Five posts in and still no weather forecast?!" snorts Glen George. Just for you GG, the BBC Weather five-day forecast for Adelaide says "thundery shower" complete with forked prongs in the illustration just to really hammer the point home. You can monitor the progress of the showers on the Adelaide rainfall radar.
The England players are out before the umpires, which illustrates their apprenhension about day five's weather prospects and their fears about the impending storms. But so far, so clear.\u00a0 Umpires Marais Erasmus and Tony Hill saunter out, swiftly followed by Mike Hussey and Marcus North, who will face the first delivery of the day from Kevin Pietersen.\u00a0
From Graeme Bowd, TMS inbox: "Don't worry about nimbostratus\u00a0- that's just a bit of drizzle. The thundery ones are cumulo-nimbus!"
Marcus North gets offf the mark with a cut to point off Pietersen as Hussey lunges his front foot out to smother KP's final ball of a thoroughly productive over.\u00a0\u00a0Plenty of empty seats around the beautiful ground, but nothing like what we saw\u00a0at Brisbane on day five. \u00a0
As expected, Graeme Swann resumes to Marcus North,\u00a0twirling away and\u00a0mesmerising\u00a0Marcus North with his off-breaks like Kaa\u00a0from the Jungle Book.\u00a0 But the left-hander is not tempted into playing a rash stroke and plays out a maiden over.
Pietersen drops a tad short, allowing North to punch a drive off his back foot through the offside to take strike against Swann in the next over.\u00a0 England will have no qualms about that.
Marcus North is struck in front pushing forward to a Swann delivery on the stumps. The plauers go up in unison but umpire\u00a0Erasmus says no. Cue the impending conflab - and Strauss signals the "T".
However, replays show impact was made outside the line of off stump and North's right foot was well down the track too and the ball was turning away from the bat too.\u00a0 Basically, there was never a chance of that decision being overturned.
The imperious Mike Hussey notches his second fifty of the match with a boundary through square leg for four, but he's fortunate to still be at the crease as a nasty Swann delivery spits and turns from the rough and just brushes the outside of his bat, but Matt Prior cannot hold on to the catch, pushing the ball in front of the stumps before making a right mess of the wicket attempting to dive for the ball.
From Hamish: Broad is a massive loss but hopefully Bresnan can be an able replacement.
It's time for the new Kookaburra cherry and Steven Finn thunders in for his first delivery of day five - a wide delivery outside off stump which Marcus North fashions over the slips with a thick outside edge for four. Dicey. A couple of singles follow but no discernible movement so far. Finn was the pick of England's seamers on day four, reversing the ball and causing all sorts of problems with his late movement. More of the same today please.
Jez in the TMS inbox: "Malfoy is a big loss if on form (not quite hit the heights so far, had he?), but Tremlett is a like-for-like, hit-the-pitch-hard bowler, whilst Shazza gives us a skiddier bowler with an ability to reverse the old ball. Much bigger loss for Aussies with Katich out - Hughes, I guess is next in line, but we had his number last summer and he is not a 'digger' like Kats."\u00a0
Apologies, it was Finn bowling the last over, not Anderson. The Burnley Express, run-up as smooth\u00a0like melted chocolate, misdirects an outswinger and allows North\u00a0to stroke the ball through the covers for a velvety four.\u00a0 Encouraging movement though, something which will concern the Australian left-handed duo.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
HUSSEY'S A GONER! Steve Finn bangs a short ball in with the two-over new ball and Hussey goes to pull, but top-edges high into the legside, allowing Anderson all the time he needs to compose himself and take a very comfortable catch at mid-on. Brad Haddin is the next man in - one more wicket and surely this game is wrapped up?
From Timbo in York: Surely has to be Tremlett for the next test at Perth, bouncy pitch and all?
Excellent delivery from Finn, giving Hussey no room to extend his arms with a ball too close to his body to pull.\u00a0 North takes strike having crossed with Hussey, but he watches a howler of a\u00a0delivery fly down leg side, rolling way beyond Matt Prior's outstretched right glove and down fine for five wides.\u00a0 You are forgiven old bean. New man Brad Haddin gets off the mark with a meaty front-foot push brilliantly stopped by James Anderson in the covers.
"All 5 wkts have fallen on the 2nd ball of the over... Andrew Samson TMS stats man in Adelaide."
Wonderful bowling from Anderson, swinging the ball away from Haddin's bat and twice beating the outside edge of Haddin's blade. However, the New South Wales stumper is a hardy soul, dismissing his earlier aberrations and punching a delectable drive through the covers for four before doubling his plunder with a boundary through the legside. Haddin makes batting look so easy, it's infuriating.
From Duncan in the TMS inbox: "Sat in a hotel room in Belgium trying to find some cricket amongst the 1001 channels of eurotrash. Thank goodness for TMS. Come on England!"
For those of you just tuning in, Stuart Broad has been ruled out of the Ashes and one-day series because of a torn abdominal muscle. Eoin Morgan has been chosen as his substitute for the day's play on the field - a few of you were pondering whether Monty's miracle catch in Tasmania had promoted him up the 12th man pecking order.\u00a0 The answer there is "no chance". Haddin adds a couple more to his total with a push to leg, but the anticipation from the England-majority crowd is building.
"You'd think this partnership is Australia's last chance. These two have got to take them probably to lunch and beyond if they are going to save the game. On a fifth day wicket with the spinning ball you can't expect eight, nine, ten and 11 to hang around for long."
From Arthur, student, Oxford: "I have texted in everyday of this Ashes series and have never had anything posted. I am starting to think that nobody likes me."
Glimpses of cobalt-blue skies, although most of it is shrouded by lightish cloud. Another tight over from Anderson, with a solitary single conceded.
After six overs of pace, Andrew Strauss tosses the new Kooka to Graeme Swann, whose first delivery from around the wicket to North is pummeled behind point for four by North, a stroke which earns a smattering of applause from around the ground. Most of the noise is being created by England's eager quota of expectant fans. Couple of singles follow.
After this match England play Victoria in a three-day game in Melbourne, which Michael Vaughan predicts will be a three-way shoot-out between Tim Bresnan, Ajmal Shahzad and Chris Tremlett for Broad's place at Perth. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THAT NOW AS ANDERSON'S GOT HADDIN CAUGHT BEHIND! Exceptional bowling. Anderson has been moving this ball both ways during his new-ball spell and he bamboozles Haddin by bowling wider on the crease, angling the ball towards off stump and\u00a0forcing the stumper to play the ball and edge a very obvious edge to Matt Prior.\u00a0 Brilliant.
From Danny in the TMS inbox: "On holiday in Brazil and a local spoke to me in Portuguese. Had to get a translator and it turns out she said: "I thought the Aussies could play cricket?" Anyway, I have invited her for a drink. Just like to thank the Australian cricket team for making my hols!"
IT'S A PAIR FOR HARRIS! He shoulders arms to a delivery which is dead in front of his stumps from Anderson and up goes umpire Erasmus' finger!!! But Harris wants a review! I can't type fast enough!
It's touch and go with the replay - the ball is clearly in line with the stumps, but it is too high?\u00a0 Virtual Eye says the ball would have clipped the top of the off bail and third umpire Billy Doctrove relays the message to Marais Erasmus - and off trundles Ryan Harris, only the second Australian to get a King Pair in Test cricket.\u00a0 The first was Adam Gilchrist...
Huge appeal from Swann as Marcus North prods forward to Swann from around the wicket.\u00a0 Umpire Hill says no but England are unconvinced and Billy Doctrove is a busy man once again...
The only doubt in umpire Doctrove's mind was whether the ball hit the bat before pad. And replays confirm it was pad before bat - and it's dead in front. NORTH'S A GONER!
From Matthew in the TMS inbox: "Fairly sure I'm the only person in Nebraska who gives a damn about the Ashes, but I'm excited about this evening and hope that England can finally take the lead. (That's probably what would've confused mainstream America, if it cared, in the first Test - how you can score eleventy billion runs and not win?) Also love how the timing works in my favor here - it's only about quarter after six at night as I write this. I'll be in England during the test in Melbourne, though, so I'll leave the staying-up-until-stupid-o'clock until then. Come on, England!"
Ladies and gentlemen, grab the champers - Bollinger if you've got any - because you will be popping it open very soon. This is unbelievable - new man Peter Siddle is still at the crease despite the fact\u00a0a\u00a0ball from Swann has rolled and hit the stumps, but there isn't enough purchase, via a deflection via his back foot, to dislodge the bails. Even he can't believe it.
Poor Xavier Doherty, likely to get the chop for the third Test in Perth, has the misfortune of attempting to keep a rampant James Anderson from smashing through his defences. His first delivery is a snorter - a nasty delivery which rears alarmingly off a length - and Doherty looks about as comfortable as a four-year-old watching Question Time. He flicks a single to length and Peter Siddle manages to keep Anderson at bay with the remainder of his over.
From Ollie in the TMS inbox: "In Costa Rica and no-one understands my little celebration dances after each wicket. To make matters worse I am travelling with an Irishman who couldn't care less that we are finally handing it to the Aussies in their own backyard...."
From Sparks, RAF: On an RAF station and just woke half my block up! Unbelievable scenes here and there, gotta be up in 6 hours lets hope for a swift conclusion!
"Might as well play\u00a0my shots," says Doherty, who punches a lovely back-foot drive through cover for four off Swann. "I\u00a0prefer to lose to England than New Zealand," says Ian Chappell in the TMS inbox. "New Zealanders are such terrible gloaters." Most New Zealanders tend to be England fans during Ashes series from my experience.
"Joe Swash is off the mark," says Jamie the report man, who has cracked open the BBQ peanuts.\u00a0 His range of nut snacks have been astounding over the past three days - yesterday we gorged out salt and vinegar efforts.\u00a0\u00a0Siddle hits a four over third man of Anderson, who looks\u00a0unbothered. \u00a0
Almost over. Xavier Doherty pushes forward but misjudges the line of the ball, which squeezes between bat and pad and rearranges his furniture as Swann collects his fourth wicket of the innings. In comes Doug Bollinger. Almost there...
Bollinger staves off the inevitable denouement by pushing a couple through the covers.
More news just in - looks like Simon Katich is out of the Ashes because of an Achilles tendon injury, so even more woe for Australia's beleaguered selectors. Looks like Phil Hughes could be making an Ashes comeback. Doug Bollinger may have artificial\u00a0cover to the top of his head, but even he can't\u00a0stretch any further\u00a0to\u00a0shade the\u00a0numerous bald spots which the Australian selectors must ponder for Perth.
As if there wasn't enough entertainment for England fans, Siddle spanks a drive off Swann\u00a0right at Doug Bollinger, who falls flat on his backside attempting to back out of the way of the ball's path.\u00a0Cringeworthy grins from both bowlers.\u00a0 Neither of them want to be out there but at least the\u00a0300 is up, with Australia needing 75 runs more to make England bat again.\u00a0 Yeah, right.\u00a0
From Robert Bicknell, TMS inbox: "In Singapore boarding quantas flight to Sydney. Beautifully quiet. Time for Boon's record?"
"If there is a champagne moment, I'd have to go for that run out [of Simon Katich on the first morning] because everything has flowed from that."\u00a0
A thick outside edge from a Bollinger fend from outside off stump off Finn narrowly evades the diving right hand of Kevin Pietersen at gully, rolling down to the vacant third man boundary for four. The Rug waves his bat like an over-enthusiastic child to a probing delivery outside off stump and is thoroughly fortunate not to gift his wicket away.\u00a0 Still Australia stand.
THAT'S IT! ENGLAND HAVE WON THE SECOND TEST BY AN INNINGS AND 71 RUNS AS GRAEME SWANN BOWLS PETER SIDDLE! That's another five-wicket haul for Swann, his 10th in Test cricket in just 25 matches as he finishes up with 5-91. That is one of the most clinical Test victories you will ever see - not just by England - but by any team. Truly, truly outstanding. Take a bow boys...
From Richard Pindar, TMS inbox: "I'm on a nightclub in Leeds. Just bonded with a chap dressed in a clown outfit doing "the sprinkler". I've run over to him every time we have a wicket. I think people think I want to take him home..."
In the words of Lieutenant George in Blackadder Goes Forth: "Permission for lip to wobble, sir?"\u00a0That's England's first victory in Australia\u00a0for almost eight years and for\u00a0many of you tuning in,\u00a0this is uncharted territory down under. Celebrate people, you deserve it, but not as much as the boys out in Adelaide.\u00a0An inquisition of\u00a0the\u00a0Iberian persuasion lies in wait for the\u00a0hosts.\u00a0 But beware the wounded Baggy Green...\u00a0 But not for now. \u00a0
From Mike, Surrey, TMS inbox: "So who do you give man of the match?!? Pietersen for his double ton and a crucial wicket? Anderson for his vital wickets in the first innings? Swann for his brilliant display in the second? Great team effort all round."
From Owen: "Morning Pranav. Overslept a bit. Hope I havent missed anything...?"
England captain Andrew Strauss: "It was a phenomenal effort to bowl them out for 245\u00a0on a\u00a0flat wicket.\u00a0 I'm very\u00a0pleased with what we have done, but we can't get too far ahead of ourselves but jeep these\u00a0standards up so we can regain the Ashes. I opened my curtains with a huge amount of trepidation today, I thought maybe we could get two sessions in today. We put in a lot of hard work and it has come to fruition in this game.\u00a0 We had a lot of things go our way in\u00a0 this game.\u00a0Stuart Broad's injury is\u00a0a\u00a0sad moment for us as he has been doing outstanding work for us but we have got depth in our squad."\u00a0
Andrew Strauss on this evening's plans: "It's either a fitness session or a few beers.\u00a0 I think it's the latter."
Kevin Pietersen talking to Jonathan Agnew: "Over the last couple of months I have been thinking about how I get myself out.\u00a0 I've been trying to concentrate on batting for long periods.\u00a0 I said to myself I am going to make this innings count because there is no better occasion that scoring runs against Australia in Australia."\u00a0
Unabashed back-slapping email alert from Sam, Watford, TMS inbox: "Can I just say great work to Pranav and Ben for the commentary so far, this has been the first thing I check whhen i wake up and the last thing I check when I sleep, and so far, this has been my first Ashes series without being able to watch it on my tv, so I have heavily relied on you guys and you two have failed to disappoint so far! Keep up the good work guys."
From Damien Martyn: "Well done England!! Credit where credit is due ever since arriving in the country they have looked the goods well deserved, enjoy the moment."
To compound Australia's woes further, that's their second heaviest defeat ever at Adelaide and England's 100th Test victory against their Ashes rivals. Any Aussie comment to balance out the jubilant Poms?\u00a0
From Alex Abbott, TMS inbox: "You are having a laugh, I have just got back from the supermarket with the biggest bag of nachos and jalepenos I could find - not an easy task in Nicaragua - ready to settle in and follow the cricket via some dodgy stream only to find its already finished. I know I should be happy but these crisps ain't going to taste as good now."
From Anon: "Without wanting to rub it in too much, seeing as we still had 5 wickets remaining from our first innings, shouldn't the true result be 'England win by an innings and a half and 71 runs'? Has a nice convincing ring to it don't you think?!"
Right all you gorgeous people, it's time to put the luxury chocolate biscuits away (much to my doctor's delight) and bid you all adieu.\u00a0 I thank you, one and all, for every message you have sent me over the past four-and-a-half days, yes, even the ones that called me "illeterate (sic)". I raise my steaming mug of tea in your general direction, it's been one helluva ride, sniff.
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