THIRD ONE-DAY INTERNATIONAL, Barbados:
West Indies 117-2 by England 117 all out (revised target of 117 to win; match reduced to 44 overs per side)
LATEST ACTION (ALL TIMES GMT)
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WEST INDIES WIN BY EIGHT WICKETS
15th over: WI 114-2
Chanderpaul drives past Anderson's toes for two and then pushes wide of mid-off for the winning run. So there we go - a comprehensive thrashing, an all-round spanking. Woeful from England, wonderful from Gayle.
Fancy more of the same on Sunday? I'll see you then, you gluttons, you...
15th over: Sarwan b Broad 10, WI 114-2
Oops - Sarwan swings leg-wards at a yorker and loses his middle stick. Took everyone by surprise, rather.
14th over: WI 114-1
Sarwan slashes at Fred's in-dipper and gets an inside edge past his timbers for a streaky four after a single from Simmons warms up the large lady. Sarwan takes another single, and the last rites are being sung all around.
13th over: WI 108-1
Yup - it is only a shower, and they'll stay out there. 14 needed to win; Simmons blocks Anderson to mid-on and then swivel-pulls a short one to the deep square leg fence for four. After a single and with nine needed, the umpires call for the drinks break. Good sensible decision, that.
12th over: WI 103-1
In that opening partnership of 98, Simmons made eight. Bless him. What a shot that is from Sarwan, too - a high-elbow cover drive for four off Fred. It's now raining heavily, and although it looks like a shower, at this point we don't officially have a match - we'd need 20 overs to be completed.
From Nick in Manchester, TMS inbox: "I feel sick."
11th over: WICKET Gayle b Anderson 80, WI 98-1
Anderson to Gayle - smash - four more through square leg - but he's cleaned up next ball, aiming another massive swipe over midwicket but missing by a mile. no sort of celebration from England - hard to high-five when someone's just thrashed you for 80 runs off 42 balls. Eight sixes and five fours in that blistering assault, with just 12 runs not coming from boundaries. Oooof.
10th over: WI 91-0
Fred The Brake continues. Two singles to Simmons, one to Gayle. Gayle now on 76, Simmons on eight. It's like Brigitte Bardot stepping out with Neil Mallender.
From Mike Bell in Ashford, TMS inbox: "Just leaving work. Hard week, nice evening in tonight, bottle of wine, feet up, watch the cricket for a few hours. How's it gone so far by the way, must be close to the end of the first innings?"
9th over: WI 91-0
Anderson replaces the shell-shocked Masca, and he probably wishes he hadn't too - Gayle marmalises his first one (a no-ball) over long-on for six and then sends his second one so far over the third man fence that it's a miracle the ball is ever retrieved - eight sixes now, and that takes him to 73 off 35 balls. The next one is middled again and would surely have been a four, had it not been straight to Strauss at cover. After Anderson lands a painful one on Gayle's boot, he strolls a single, not a flicker of an expression on his face. Staggering batting.
From Ian in Essex, TMS inbox: "Are West Indies ahead on Duckworth Lewis?"
8th over: WI 77-0
Strauss looks like a man who has just watched his house burn down. Fred thunders in with a bilious expression on his face and is worked away for a couple of singles. Hold your breath - Gayle's back on strike the other end.
From Richard Stephenson in Leeds, TMS inbox: "Michelle Gayle could be opening for the Windies and keeping up with the rate."
7th over: WI 75-0
Looks like Masca for a twirl from Broad's end. He might wish he hadn't - Gayle crashes the first through cover for four, the next almost out of the ground back over his head and the third over extra cover for another maximum. What batting this is! That's a half-century off 27 balls, and it's not stopping there - the fifth ball is mowed way over deep midwicket for six more, and the final one top-edged down to third man for two more. 24 off the over, 60 now in total to Gayle - and he blocked the fourth ball...
From Carole, fingers in ears, bag over head, in Maidenhead: "La La La, I can't hear you..."
6th over: WI 51-0
Freddie is summoned to the slaughter. It took England five wickets to get to the current Windies total, let's not forget. Two singles apiece to the Windies pair, and there's a full-on party going on in the home sections of the Kensington Oval stands.
5th over: WI 47-0
Gayle's got a date somewhere - after Simmons gets him back on strike with a quick single, the skipper batters another back-foot drive through the covers for another four. And the next one goes even further - an enormous, enormous six mown way over long-on. Broad stands there, perspiration pouring down his face, staring at a big dent the ball left in the sight-screen. Is that the end of it? Nope - he slashes a wide short one through backward point for four more! 34 runs off 20 balls, and the crowd is going ripe bananas.
4th over: WI 32-0
Anderson tears in, and that's an effortless shot from Gayle - leaning back and creaming a wide one between cover and point for a don't-bother-chasing four. A slash to third man for one follows before Simmons tips off his hip for an uno of his own - and what a shot from Gayle! Anderson arrows one in at his belly-button, and he flicks it away with almost no whoomph for a six that carries 75 metres, deep into the midwicket hordes.
3rd over: WI 20-0
From feast to famine for Broad - a maiden shorn of the short stuff that marred the first. 2.26 runs per over required by the Windies; so far, they've cantered along at three times that.
2nd over: WI 20-0
Btw - the Windies only need 117 to win, rather than 118, because of the rain delays earlier. Simmons and Gayle exchange singles off Anderson. The tail-end of Gayle's bandanna wafts gently in the breeze as he jabs watchfully to gully. Looks like we had a seven-ball over just then. I put its endless quality down to my own mental state, but apparently Steve Davis got his counters in the wrong pockets.
From Rachel in Lincoln, TMS inbox: "117/10 is the blood pressure of English cricket - i.e. unconscious."
1st over: WI 17-0
You know you thought it couldn't get any worse? The second and third balls of Stuart Broad's opening over both go for four byes over Matt Prior's head. And the second one was also a no-ball. Nine runs off three balls without Chris Gayle having touched one. Gayle then rocks back to drill a drive past cover for two more, waits for a shorter one and upper-cuts it for a massive six over third man.
While we take a short break to sob quietly in the toilets, why not dive into Test Match Special's coverage or dip into the debate on 606?
42nd over: WICKET Mascarenhas c Bravo b Edwards 36, Eng 117 all out
Short one, a wild swipe and a simple pouch running round from short fine leg. And so it comes to an end. What a way to start the weekend. "West Indies will have to bat tremendously badly to lose this," says Colin Croft on TMS, with remarkable understatement.
41st over: WICKET Batty c Sammy b Bravo 17, Eng 116-9
Slower one from Bravo - Batty has a why-not swipe and Sammy takes a lovely casual leaping catch running backwards from point. 4-19 off seven overs for the appropriately-named Bravo, and the end is in sight.
From Ian in Stevenage, TMS inbox: "The partnership between Mascarenhas and Extras looks quite promising. We should move Extras higher up the batting order."
40th over: Eng 115-8
Final powerplay, and England fill their boots with two singles. Heavy, heavy sigh.
39th over: Eng 113-8
Sun now shining bright. I've got four tickets at £50 a pop for the Super Eight game in the World Twenty20 which should be between England and Australia, but will now probably be between Netherlands and Australia - they're yours for the price of a shoulder to cry on.
38th over: Eng 109-8
Sammy to Masca, and that's an easy single. Batty flicks two to midwicket, and England might even use up their 44 overs here. No real menace in this track - England have climbed into the canoe, followed the signs to the appropriate creek and thrown away their paddles with alacrity.
37th over: Eng 105-8
Time for some spin from Nikita Miller, and Batty punishes him with... a single. If you're just joining us, consider yourself lucky.
36th over: Eng 104-8
The partnership climbs to 35, the highest of the match by back-to-back miles. Two singles and a leg bye. On the England balcony, Andrew Strauss is staring into nothingness like a Vietnam vet.
35th over: Eng 101-8
Enormous roars from the England fans at the Kensington Oval as Masca slaps a single away to bring up the magical three figures. Money is seen changing hands between laughing supporters.
34th over: Eng 99-8
Sammy starts his seventh over and ships two singles - 2-13 off those by the end. Australia, by the way, recovered to 166-7 against South Africa. David Hussey hit 88 off 44 balls, with five fours and six sixes. Open wound, pick up salt, pour in.
From Andy in Chesterfield, TMS inbox: "I was rather hoping for the historical humiliation bit then I could have looked forward to telling my grandkids, 'I was there - watching it live on the BBC website,' but now all I have is another depressing afternoon watching rubbish cricket."
33rd over: Eng 97-8
Nice from Masca, leaning back and pulling Pollard lustily for four to the deep midwicket fence. Three to go...
32nd over: Eng 91-8
The next target, of course, is the big three figures. Nine more to go, just nine more.
31st over: Eng 90-8
What a partnership this is - 22 now, with Masca on 21, three clear of the second-highest scorer, Extras.
30th over: Eng 88-8
Fidel returns. Single to Batty followed by two wides and a single - and that's four more byes over Ramdin's head - England have done it! Break out the bunting, pop the corks on the champagne - this is now merely humiliating, rather than historical humiliation.
From JP in NYC, TMS inbox: "I normally get my lunch from a deli where two Indian guys make the sandwiches. We talk cricket, it's nice. Today, I was too embarrassed to stop in today, instead I got my sandwich down the road."
29th over: Eng 78-8
..and now just nine away. Single apiece to Batty and Masca, the former's name a fitting summation of his team's performance.
From Jake, TMS inbox: "I've decided that crying about how bad we are is no good. Therefore I have decided to be pro-active and a hastily arranged sweepstake is taking place in my flat. My money is on 84 all out."
28th over: Eng 76-8
That last delay means we're down to 44 overs a side, a figure as meaningless as a drunkard's midnight screamings at the stars. Four singles, and the worst-ever target is now just 11 runs away from being surpassed
From Paul Burke, TMS inbox: "Any chance of 'abandoned' re-appearing on the infamous scoreboard?"
27th over: Eng 72-8
...and we're off again. Single to Masca; Batty blinks down the pitch with those mournful eyes of his and prods defensively. 15 runs required to get past that previous worst-ever mark.
From James Davidson, Guelph, Canada, TMS inbox: "I agree with Paul in Swindon but sense something more sinister is going on. I believe the scoreboard is exercising some sort of mind control on Mr Fordyce, forcing him to invent commentary based on the obviously made up scores it is presenting."
From England's Mum, TMS inbox: "Please will you excuse England from playing Australia next year as they have a bad cold."
1705: The respite might be brief. The covers are coming off again, and the umpires are already out in the middle.
27th over: Eng 71-8
Masca pulls straight down the ground for two, but a rain shower is sweeping across - another delay, but a short one from the look of it. Stick with us, masochists of the world, for there is surely more pain to come.
From Herbie, TMS inbox: "We're rubbish aren't we? Can't think of anything more clever, insightful or meaningful than that. We are just rubbish."
26th over: Eng 69-8
Panic over - Gareth Batty's just come in. Single to Masca. This could be the worst England one-day batting display I've ever seen. I might get a commemorative tattoo.
25th over: WICKET Broad c Ramdin b Pollard, Eng 68-8
You think I'm making this up, don't you? Broad pokes lamely outside off, gets the edge and trudges straight back to the pavilion. History could be made here - England well on track to beat their previous lowest ever ODI score, the 86 against Australia at Old Trafford in 2001. It's raining, by the way. Mainly in our hearts.
From Barry, TMS inbox: "Our scoreboard at Bickley Park CC is being rebuilt over the next few weekends (after some sod burnt the old one down at Xmas). Hopefully our new one is no relative of the Barbados one."
25th over: WICKET Prior c Sammy b Pollard 7, Eng 68-7
No it doesn't. Another miserable shot, Prior carefully guiding a harmless delivery gently into the hands of gully.
24th over: Eng 67-6
Wild swipe from Masca at Sammy, and he gets a thickish outside edge that flies away through the vacant second slip slot for four. The run-rate leaps to 2.78 an over - the fightback starts here...
From David Fuller, TMS inbox: "What are the odds of the West Indies reversing the batting order like my Sunday team might do against a bunch of low scoring bunch of misfits?"
23rd over: Eng 62-6
In the only vaguely encouraging news of the day, Australia are currently 71-5 in the Twenty20 match against South Africa in Joburg. Masca is jolted into life and slashes a drive down the ground for the first four since sometime around breakfast; singles book-end it.
22nd over: Eng 55-6
20 deliveries have now passed since England last scored a run, each dot ball another splinter in the sliding backside of English cricket.
21st over: Eng 55-6
Bravo to continue, and Prior is batting as if encased in Copydex - yet another maiden. England's current run-rate is 2.59 an over. Can you hear me, Australia? 2.59 an over! Fear us!
From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "Fear not. I've just had a look at another scoreboard at www.berniemadoffsinstantscoreboards.com, and it appears we're actually on 325,042 for 2, which is good."
20th over: Eng 55-6
3-10 off four for Bravo, and here's Sammy at the other end... starting with a maiden. New-man Mascarenhas keeps the ball out, but that's about all. 55-6. 55-6!
From Dominic Bate, TMS inbox: "If you meddle with the scoreboard, this is your reward - shame on you all."
19th over: WICKET Collingwood lbw Bravo 6, Eng 54-6
Singles apiece from the wobbly-legged England pair - and then... dear oh dear oh dear. May my tears fall on the keyboard to type the words 'another wicket falls'. That was a stinker of a decision, though - Colly hit on his front pad, and Umpire Bucknor slowly raises his Finger of Death despite the ball looking like it was missing a second leg stump.
From James Cook, TMS inbox: "Did the England team think the match had been reduced to 45 runs per side?"
18th over: Eng 52-5
Waft, prod and jump from Prior, and he just can't get Lionel Baker away - his fifth maiden, and he finishes with 1-21 off his nine overs. "THEY SEEM TO THINK HE'S SHAUN POLLOCK!" yells the furious England supporter to my right.
17th over: Eng 52-5
Prior the next man on the conveyor-belt. He helps a leggish one from Bravo round the corner for four and is rewarded with a nose-nipper that has him twisting his face out of the way. There's a single to fine leg. Over without a wicket - repeat, an over without a wicket.
From Paul in Swindon, TMS inbox: "I'm refusing to believe this score and am guessing it's just the scoreboard throwing a tantrum. Could you please update us with the proper score as soon as possible? Many thanks."
16th over: Eng 47-5
Fear us now, screams Colly, driving Baker back down the ground for a sop of a four. The strains of 10CC's Dreadlock Holiday drifts across the Kensington Oval, a funeral dirge for this hapless England display.
15th over: WICKET - Flintoff c Edwards b Bravo 0, Eng 43-5
Colly and Fred together now - let's enjoy this while we can. Or not - even as the words leave my fingers, Fred wafts woefully at a nothing sort of ball and holes out feebly to fine leg.
From Carole in Maidenhead, TMS inbox: "Ah, now we see! Now we see that the scoreboard was merely stating what should happen. Abandon the blinking match now before the humiliation gets too much."
14th over: WICKET Shah c Sammy b Baker 17, Eng 41-4
Shah hammers a short ball outside off-stump... straight into backward point's happy hands. Scoreboard, why must you torture us so?
13th over: WICKET Pietersen c Pollard b Bravo 3, Eng 41-3
My giddy aunts - what was that? KP aims a dreadful swipe at Dwayne Bravo's very first ball, a loosener, and succeeds only in lofting the ball down deep midwicket's neck. That's 12 in the Twenty20, 17 in the first ODI and 12 in the second from the homesick buccaneer.
12th over: Eng 41-2
Two tight singles before Shah cuts loose again - a mighty thwack high over midwicket off a fast short one for a one-bounce four. 16 off 17 balls for the twitchy Middlesex no.3; three off 14 for the homesick KP.
11th over: Eng 35-2
Crack - Shah takes a pace down the track to Edwards and smashes him back over his head for a two-bounce four that's almost shocking in its surprise brutality. Singles to both with pops away behind square on the leg stump before Shah nicks the strike with another.
From Ian Shirley, TMS inbox: "Nice to see that Mr Extras has made another solid start to his innings. This England side have faced a lot of stick during the tour but old Extrasy has never let his team mates down."
10th over: Eng 28-2
Flamboyant leave from KP as Baker angles one past off-stump, followed by a dabbed single to square leg to get off the quacker. Shah walks across his timbers to flick one outside off high over square leg for four, misses with a swat at a head-high bouncer and flicks away leg-side again for another single. Is that rain in the air?
9th over: Eng 22-2
Edwards stalks back to his mark, turns and accelerates into the crease. Shah jumps right across his stumps to fend a skiddy one away, and then almost commits hari-kari with a calamitous never-was-a single which has KP screaming horrified no's. Edwards slams another bouncer halfway down the track - five wides over Ramdin's despairing fingertips - and the first powerplay has been tossed away like a piece of junk mail.
8th over: Eng 17-2
Owais Shah and KP suddenly together at the crease as the sun breaks through, and the Windies bowlers are rampant. Baker skids one through KP's attempted swat-pull, and that's his third maiden of the day. Hold onto your seats...
From Iain Macleod in Milton Keynes, TMS inbox: "I think it says a lot about the scoreboard's character that, despite being embroiled in the middle of scoreboardgate, it's still there at its desk boarding the score for all to see. Bravo."
7th over: WICKET Bopara c Sarwan b Edwards 2, Eng 17-2
And another - Bopara aims a big pull shot at another short one one, mis-times it completely and watches in horror as the ball loops gently down mid-on's throat. Two wickets in three balls for Fidel, and England are on the rocks...
7th over: WICKET Strauss c Gayle b Edwards 2, Eng 15-1
Uh-oh - Strauss tries to pull a short one round from outside off and gets a steepling top edge - Gayle moves with uncharacteristic rapidity to sprint back from slip and bag a fine pouch.
6th over: Eng 15-0
Ooof - Baker whistles a brute past Ravi's retreating snout, and five men in the stand dressed as the Seven Dwarfs - I'm assuming Grumpy couldn't be bothered coming along, and that Dopey's gone to the wrong ground - wince in unison. Maiden.
From James Crossland at the Kensington Oval, TMS inbox: "Reporting for duty from the party stand - we are 2 lads from Huddersfield dressed in luminous tutus - give me a shout if you see us..."
5th over: Eng 15-0
Super shot from Ravi B, waiting for a drifter onto middle and leg and clipping it away for three. Strauss tips off his hip for a single to deep square leg, and Ravi nicks the strike with a cheeky scamperer wide of cover.
From Tim Miller, TMS inbox: "Unofficial scorecard autobiography title rumours: 'HTML Hell: The Beeb and Me'."
4th over: Eng 10-0
Big crowd in today, quietened by the early dampness but slowly warming up. Two slips in for Strauss as Baker tears in, and a meaty thunk off the pads is straight to midwicket. Bravo makes a decent scampering stop at gully from a wristy drive and it's the day's second maiden.
3rd over: Eng 10-0
Tickle off the pads from Strauss to get off the mark, followed by an enormous booming bouncer that clears both Bopara and Ramdin on its way to the fence. Ooof - Ravi ducks into another rapid one and wears it on his left tricep. He props forward to two fullish ones and defends with wince to cover.
From Russell in Nottingham, TMS inbox: "I was most upset to see your comments bashing personal injury lawyers earlier. I work with personal injury lawyers every day and can assure you they work just as hard as the rest of us to fiddle the system and skim public money."
2nd over: Eng 5-0
Lionel Baker scoots in to Ravi Bopara, and a controlled thick outside edge down to third man brings up the first boundary of the day. Big lift outside off, and Ravi tucks his blade behind his back. Baker goes wayward and is pinged for a wide.
From Tim Lunnon, TMS inbox: "With regards the ongoing Scorecard-Gate (somebody had to gate it), has anyone heard from the video-scorecard with regards its views. Not only is it a multifunctional scorecard, it works without grumbling and creating a big hoohah about itself. One could compare the situation with David Beckham and Paul Scholes relationship."
1st over: Eng 0-0
Fidel Edwards to Skipper Strauss, and there's pace and bounce there. Strauss has an airy slash outside off but misses, and can only prod the final ball into the covers. Maiden to get us underway.
From Dan Collington, TMS inbox: "Paul in Lancs has it wrong to blame the operators. It's the regulator the Frustrating Scoreboards Association to blame for giving them the freedom to exploit the Duckworth-Lewis system."
1459: The stumps have been wedged into the turf, the umpires depavilioned - and here come the England players. Fingers crossed now, fingers crossed...
1453: Oh dear. Just had Max Clifford on the phone. The scoreboard's done a deal with the News of the World and LivingTV. There's an autobiography in the works as well, apparently.
From Mick in Birmingham, TMS inbox: "Just a word of warning to you all - I'd be careful about bad-mouthing the scoreboard so much. It has influential friends, you know - The Videprinter, for example. Don't mess."
1449: Right - the match has been reduced to 45 overs apiece. Powerplays of nine, five and four overs.
From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "I reject utterly Angela's suggestion that decent, hardworking scoreboards should be made to suffer like this in times of recession. They are just an easy target for media-led, misdirected anger. It is the scoreboard operators who have got us into this mess, with their insanely complex opaque last partnership derivatives and their 'overs left in the day' bonuses."
1444: News drifts up from the umpires - we'll start at 1500 GMT. No news on possible over reductions, but let's not quibble.
From Joe Young in Sheffield, TMS inbox: "Sod unemployed scoreboards. Having just been made redundant myself, I would willing diversify into becoming a scoreboard. I could yell the score, or write it on my ample stomach using a variety of coloured pens. I certainly wouldn't mind the odd flogging."
1441: Sing hosannas - the West Indies players are coming onto the field. Give it five or ten and we'll surely be underway.
From Dave in Yeovil, TMS inbox: "There are precedents in this case. I recall one in particular, where a tennis scoreboard negotiated an 'out of court' settlement."
1438: Covers still off, no sign of rain. No news of a start time, but hope springs eternal.
1434: Interesting. Just had a manilla envelope of blurry, black-and-white photos pushed under the door. If I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing, our little litigious friend has some serious explaining to do - the scoreboard and the chief executive of Cricinfo, leaving a romantic eaterie hand-in-hand.
From Billy "Sledgehammer" Bloggs, TMS inbox: "If you like, I can send one of my colleagues down to have a little chat with the scoreboard. I shouldn't think it would want an 'accident' on the way to court. Know what I mean?"
1432: And now the covers are coming off again. This isn't frustrating in any way at all, is it?
From Angela, at work in London, TMS inbox: "The scoreboard should count itself lucky it merely received a flogging and still has a job, given the credit crunch and all that - there must be hundreds of wannabe scoreboards out there who would gladly step in to its shoes (and probably be happy to take a daily flogging if it meant keeping a steady job in these uncertain times
1426: Oh right - there. Rain starts again, covers come back on. Sorry.
1420: The covers are coming off! Scoreboard, where is thy sting?
From Peter, just outside Bridport: "We've had a few heavy showers today, but sounds like the weather is still better here."
1412: The rain has stopped. That's the happy news. The less happy? There's so much water on the covers that the only sport we'll be having in the next ten minutes is water polo.
From Edward Little, Mondovi, Italy, TMS inbox: "For those interested in references to distressed scoreboards, may I recommend Thorda Hird's one and only novel "The Plaster Mok." In the story, the eponymous Mok is so frustrated by the perpetual malfunction of the timing board that he is operating (at a swimming gala) that he pushes it into the pool, electrocuting the participants."
From Neil at work in the Isle of Man, TMS inbox: "I think the scoreboard needs to be very careful with an 'emotional distress' case... How does it think we feel every time we sneak a peak from work when England are batting?"
1407: Rain refusing to relent. Maybe we should have played this one in Bridport after all.
From Roger in Denmark, TMS inbox: "Why all this inclusive 'we' re the scoreboard? Is it the royal plural, Duke of Fordyce, or do you really expect the rest of us to cough up for your irresponsible libel?"
Et tu Brute, Roger, et tu Brute.
1400: A light drizzle hangs in the air, and the covers lie untouched across the greensward.
From Rachel Tyrell, TMS inbox: "Do not fret, just simply throw a counter lawsuit against the scoreboard for a cool £3 million - for the stress of the resulting 'public scorn and mockery' aimed directly at YOU and not the scoreboard. You then subpoena every other scoreboard in the world to appear in your defence. After all, wouldn't they all like to have the easy life of a BBC scoreboard?"
1350: Rain seems to be easing off. The covers are still on, but I'm optimistic. Skipper Strauss is parked up on the England balcony, pads on, feet up on the rail, staring out across the park with a faraway look across his chops.
From Steve Beaumont, TMS inbox: "Regarding the scorecard's 'emotional distress', it should be used to that, dealing with English cricket."
Plank one of our nascent defence, Steve. Wallop.
1342: Oh, I see - plus another £50,000 in "costs". Well, this is bad. Very bad. I've just emptied my pockets, and I've got a total of £1.23 in there, plus two nailfuls of pale blue fluff and a receipt from a pub (never a good sign). We're £119,998.77 short of what we need. We're going to need a whip-round here. And a crack defence team. Any volunteers? Still raining.
1338: How much? £50,000 for the thrashing and a further £20,000 for "emotional distress"?
1333: This isn't good. Not only is it now raining quite hard, but I've just had a call from a firm of solicitors called InjuryClaims4U, claiming to be representing the scorecard.
From Spike, TMS inbox: "Any chance we can stick a few of the women's World Cup-winning team in our side?"
You betcha, Spike. Maybe we can get peak-era Allan Lamb, Nick Knight and, ah, Ian Austin in there too.
1327: Hmmm. Maybe the scoreboard knew something after all - the start has been delayed by rain. Feel a little guilty now, to be honest.
1322: In a surprise return to old-school methods, the errant scoreboard is currently being thrashed around the rump with a wetted cane. It was warned several times about its behaviour, I'm told, but insisted on persisting.
1320: A word or two about today's track. Looks like a hard, fast surface - ball should come on nicely, although the moisture in the air might just liven it up early doors.
A few emails pointing out that our scorecard is claiming the match has been abandoned. Take no notice of it - it's only being attention-seeking. The match is on - repeat, the match is on.
1316: First glimpse of Fred out there, loosening up in his scarlet England shirt. Sporting a slightly more bouffant barnet today, Fred, rather than the no.2 which shows off the Gorbachevesque birth-mark.
1310: Another slice of KP's chat: "I know people have been watching me and talking about me throughout this tour." Not quite sure whether that's a complaint or a boast.
1305: News from the toss: Chris Gayle shouts correctly and decides to put England in. Grey clouds overhead and a forecast which is more Bridport than Bridgetown - could be that Cool Cat has got his eyes on another Duckworth-Lewis scenario.
1304: Team news from England: Steve Harmison's got the old heave-ho in favour of Freddie Flintoff. "Hopefully Fred can make a real contribution to the game," says Andrew Strauss, a touch unnecessarily. Windies unchanged.
1300: Afternoon all, and we start with Kevin Pietersen's overnight revelation that he's feeling so depressed he might "do a Robinho". What's he talking about? He's already joined a team that hasn't won anything in living memory.